How One Deserves vs What One Has Earned

A few months ago, my partner decided to "do away" with my retirement package.  The monetary value was not so important.  What was important (to me) was the retirement was a promise.  One in writing, not signed, but confirmed with a handshake - a trust that as long as I performed, I would be rewarded. 

I was to be vested in September of 2009, and guaranteed 13% of the company's holdings - although I could not take advantage of the retirement for another seven years in the future.

When I was told he "couldn't do the deal," I continued working, but in a much more cautious way - and was not available for phone calls at 730 at night, or 600 in the morning.  Why should I invest my personal time?  Why should I care if his koi pond pump wasn't working?  The time spent talking about nonbusiness things devoured my positive energy - that I could have been using for my husband, my mother, my friends - heck - myself.  Yes, this was selfish.  I felt somewhat badly about how I acted/reacted.  And, I should have said something sooner - but could not find the way to say what I felt, without being angry.  Yes, I was selfish and angry.  Not good traits.  I didn't want to say an emotional word - an angry word.  I wanted to wait until I understood why I was angry.  Afterall, this was "just business" right?

Last week, he asked me, "What is wrong with you Jean? You have become distant with me." 

I told him the truth.  As I saw it, anyway.  There are some truths that have different meanings to different people, don't you think? 

I told him I wasn't as mad as I was disappointed - in him.  When he asked, I finally realized how I felt.  I had earned my retirement, as I had performed my job above and beyond that which was necessary. 

But, more importantly I deserved the retirement for the things I didn't do.  I never told him no.  I never stole money from him.  I didn't ask him to sign the paperwork - I didn't NOT trust him.  I never let him down on a personal level - going so far as pretending to be his wife, when his 101 year old father was in the hospital and asking, "where is your wife?"  I never asked for more than what was necessary-sometimes working for nothing, in the best interest of the company - working for our mutual future, not for a Friday paycheck.

Yes, I earned my retirement, but I deserved for him to fulfill his promise. 

We signed and filed the paperwork yesterday.