So, this is the latest assignment for poetic forms class. The assignment was to write some form of rhyming poetry. Being lazy as I am, I decided to write in couplets because it seemed a lot easier than forms like the Villanella and such.
Anyway, this is my poem for that assignment. Any critique/advice you have for me is greatly appreciated and welcomed. :)
When The Trumpet Sounds
Regret seeps from the sky tonight,
Forming puddles under pale moonlight
And every drop that hits the ground
Is a piece of heaven falling down.
The Reaper sheds his sullen tears
And slits his wrists to drown his fears
While, by his side, the hourglass sleeps.
It's been like this for several weeks.
Months have come and quickly passed--
The Reaper's dead; he's reaped his last.
Where leaves once fell, so angel's wings
Gather idly on the shifting springs
Where heaven lies in deep reflection.
Nothing's left but recollection.
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Comments: 14
~ Point Fairies
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Forming puddles under pale moonlight
And every drop that hits the ground
Is a piece of heaven falling down."
The first strophe musn't be touched; it is perfect as it is.
"The Reaper sheds his sullen tears
And slits his wrists to drown his fears
While, by his side, the hourglass sleeps.
It's been like this for several weeks."
This second strophe could be better. I believe you are writing of the end of time, and so consider changing the "several weeks" in favor of something greater; perhaps "ages" or something like that. Also, I think it would serve you better to rethink the role that the reaper plays: perhaps he weeps everytime he reaps, perhaps he's glad to set the scythe down and stop his mowing, perhaps the reaper doesn't bleed.
"Months have come and quickly passed--
The Reaper's dead; he's reaped his last.
Where leaves once fell, so angel's wings
Gather idly on the shifting springs"
Again "months" are a meager measure in the scheme of the end of time, and as for the Reaper; I recommend a lot of "perhapsing". The last two lines of this strophe, are difficult to understand
"Where heaven lies in deep reflection.
Nothing's left but recollection."
These last two lines are fine as they are.
I hope I've not offended you in any way, and I hope my critique has helped. I wish you luck, and should you choose to consider any of my advice, I look forward to seeing the revised version.
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I like this better than the version when I said it looked fine without the final ending. As always, you were right and I was wrong.
Maybe now you can see why I say poems are not my strong point? ROFLOL