Nine Months Gone

Nine months have passed since I left Austin last summer. In the three months since I last looked back upon the genesis and beginning of this journey a lot has changed. The questions I wrestled with in December just don't seem so important anymore. And the world and its problems? As I wrote elsewhere, somewhere between Kuala Lumpur and Delhi I just stopped paying attention, much less giving a shit. On balance I don't know if this is good or bad. It's certainly made writing easier, more fluid and fluent. My ability to recall and capture the essence of conversations I've had has been a pleasant surprise. My memory has always been excellent, it's the recall mechanism that's troubled me. I know why now.

When I left for India I was still very plugged in, following the news and markets avidly. Then came nine days and nights of forced solitude aboard the Tiger Breeze. After that: the tumult of India. It was just too hard to be wired in India. I relented. (Curious side note: internet addiction is much easier to get over than quitting smoking.) And I think the lack of a daily barrage of information opened my neurons to different, more traditional forms of association; more reflection, less ingestion of information; more processing of what I already know into new forms, ideas and connections versus a rather futile attempt to ingest more and more noise. India, as has more than likely been noted elsewhere, forces one to retreat inwards, be it spiritual or intellectual. I've been at peace with my spiritual life for many years now and didn't go to India for enlightenment, so I turned inward in other ways.

Another change that came over me is really surprising, but in a sense understandable. I've always had a hard time living in the moment. I've always had one foot in tomorrow and another in yesterday. As my Dad has always told me, "that means you're pissing all over today, Son." Again, sometime between Chennai and Delhi I left that old habit behind and truly learned the meaning of living in the moment. There were moments of intense chaos in India in which I was at peace. This surprised me. Something I've never before experienced. Perhaps that is part of the Indian allure? Regardless, two months in India will indeed do that to you, like it or not. Anyone who survives that long in India will acquire the skill, and more than likely quite rapidly.

But those two are the only positive changes that came out of India. (Neither one is an insignificant change, I would add and I am grateful for each.) As is obvious by now there was no real joy in my Indian visit, which is a pity. But that's alright. I gave India three chances. Enough in my estimation.

Unfortunately, I'm exhausted. There is no other word for it. When I left Kuala Lumpur I was excited. My energy level was high, mentally I was prepared (or so I thought) for what awaited on the sub-continent. I'm neither homesick, per se, nor am I lonely--trust me when I tell you that all those billion people in India will make one pine, intensely, for solitude, a la the Arabian Desert. But I am exhausted. And so with the nine months away from home mark in the past and the six months on the road mark passed as well today I can only hope that a month or two here in Oman and Yemen will lead to some kind of mental and physical recovery. If not, this journey may very well be cut short.

I'm still going to Denmark in June. But I hate to say this, odds aren't terribly good today that I'll last much longer than that. But that's how I feel today. I can tell you this: I'll not be taking a boat across the Bab-al-Mandab to Djibouti and heading up the Nile to Egypt. After Yemen I'll more than likely fly, once again, to Istanbul. Who knows, I may fly to Istanbul next week! I might not have the energy for Yemen right now. Did I mention that it was really fucking hot here? I mean, really hot! Not too mention the fact that I've not had a winter, spring or fall in a really long time. The only thing close was the Cameron Highlands in Malaysia, which was wonderful. But 15* Celsius really, really sounds great right now!

Besides, flights are cheap and I will be heading back in this direction after the summer passes. For now, I need some peace and I've a feeling a few weeks with my muse might be just the cure I need.

To eat a fresh grilled sardine sandwich on the Bosporus or just look out on the gorgeous water might be enough to refresh me. Failing that there is always the Hagia Sophia, the one true solace of my life. Just thinking of Istanbul makes me smile.

Regardless, I can say this, with pride. I've done what many people in my life said I couldn't, or shouldn't.

Fuck that.

If I've learned anything on this journey at all it's this: it's my life to lead as I so choose. And for that I am imminently grateful.