I am not afraid of flowers,
not afraid of a sparrow's song,
not afraid of wind on long grass.
Not afraid;
though I know there is a price to pay,
bones to grind,
flesh to be ripped,
for a taste of this beauty.
I know there must be blood
running under this ground.
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Comments: 47
The trainer
There is a real lyric movement that is inexorable, a charge to the words through their compression and fully felt conviction. The aesthetic side by side with the barbarous.
Excellent, Atticus. This is a poem worthy of publication in a major poetry journal by my reckoning.
My only suggestions are about minor punctuation: change the semicolon in the title to a comma
capitalize the ´Not´ in the second sentence, so it reads, Not afraid;
put a comma behind ´ripped´
Impressive work, my friend.
Ellen, Please do. I love your writing.
John, I will take your suggestions and return to you my sincerest gratitude for your help and for your exceedingly kind appraisal of my poem. (Punctuation was never my best subject)
Sneaky. Darkly sneaky and brilliant.
Good stuff.
Blessings and best wishes - S.
Another meaning for warrior. Completion, then.
The peaceful warrior.
Grass.
Carolion, Thank you for your earth wisdom and your fascinating take on this poem.
Thank you Ann. My poem does describe that elusive goal.
Nathan, thanks so much for your analysis. Funny you should say that. I almost picked up a collection containing that poem, "The Wasteland", today but hadn't thought of that connection to my poem. I appreciate that you noticed the "beauty" part was first. The idea for the poem was to use common symbols of beauty, making them suspect by declaring a counterintuitive and pointing to the underlying foundations of sensitivity. The structure came naturally to that.
May a brave man
be unafraid of tears
and able to shed them
down his rough hewn face
to taste and remember
the magic of childhood
not lost or forgotten
but gone
I was too long missing some of your best stuff, I fear. This is BRILLIANT. I am going to come whip you with a short stick if you don't add Artistic License to the group list, lol.
(and, nice comment, Brynn)
True perspective of this bi-lateral life...no wonder there is madness along with beauty...Lucky for us , the gift of free choice.
I was always aware of this when I lived in the Grand Canyon. What a spectacularly beautiful place with so much to offer to those willing to respect, watch, listen and experience, but know enough to know that underlying that beauty and grandeur is a thirst for sacrifice, no forgiveness and zero tolerance for mistakes.
Glad I found this one this morning!
However, I think you could have cut out one or two of the 'I'm not afraid' phrases as well as enrich the contrasts.
On occasion, it's good to do a spider chart and jot down all the things connected with the main subject or word. Flowers, themselves, die off and return to the soil, too.
Play with different layouts as well, above all, keep up the writing!
Peace.