Tales from Leprechaunia 72
On the Cards
The evening lamps were being lit in The Dancing Leprechaun pub when Isabella O'Mafiosa and Jezebel O'Legless-O'Corkless first noticed the prolonged absence of Giovanni MacO'roni, the number one hit man of the Leprechaun Mafia. One of the of Broken Harp locals - Shamus O'Leprechaun, who had only just adopted the legless position under the next table in the tavern - mentioned he'd seen an ominous looking character clambering onto the driver's seat of the cab. Then with a flick of the reins and an impatient curse at Whacked, the dwarf Clydesdale hauling the cab, the glowering stranger had driven away in the direction of distant Corkscrew, the royal capital of Leprechaunia.
It appeared as if Isabella, a ravishing beauty, would sadly face another night of suffering from the ravishment deprivation syndrome that afflicted her. To her mind there was nothing worse than being ravishing but unravished. It also seemed certain that Jezebel, an accomplished specialist in the swimming out to passing troopships, was also stranded in dry docks even though the two of them were in The Dancing Leprechaun awash with Leprechaunia O'Guinness. However, Mother Superior Molly assured her new found drinking companions that there was plenty of room for the night in the convent of the Holy Order of Leprechauns. Mother Molly also extended the invitation to Sister Rose, even though this exotic nun with the foggy crystal ball had once been Gypsy-Rose O'Leprechaun.
That came as a blessed relief to Sister Rose who was fed up with hitch-hiking and being stranded, mostly due to her association with Father Swami. After all, the two of them had lost everything they owned on the turn of the cards in a poker game. Lost everything to a feathered and painted heathen by name of Hi-ya-watha, an astute member of the O'Tears Fried Chicken Clan that was the powerhouse of the O'Mohican-Leprechaun Nation. Most importantly, they had lost their horse-drawn conveyance, the Sunday Express - a sulky which had been extended so that it had an extra seat facing backwards and thus able to transport a goodly crowd much like a stage coach. Mother Molly blurted out that this very sulky now belonged to the convent through contorted circumstances she was now too fuzzy headed to explain. And it was to the convent that Mother Molly then took the three ladies, having first suggested to Father Swami that he go knock on the doors of the Church of the Blessed Cork to ask Father Paddy for a bed for the night.
Father Swami chose to book a room in the pub, instead. Unfortunately, the call of the wild had proved too strong ... of his wild days as Finbar O'Gizmo when he was a no-good conman, and a cardsharp who dealt from the bottom of the deck of rigged cards. He'd just noticed Probationary Constable Serendipity O'Cork hand over a sizeable withdrawal from the Leprechaun Law Officers Pension Fund to the sergeant of police. Sergeant O'Leprechaun and His Worship, Magistrate Patrick McDuff, were sitting at a gloomy corner table in The Dancing Leprechaun; and both these senior law officers appeared almost legless. It was too good an opportunity for Father Swami to pass up - his wild cards were calling; and he was drawn as a bee to the golden honey pot.
Alas for Father Swami's relapse into the persona of Finbar O'Gizmo! Although a gullible probationary constable such as Serendipity O'Cork might be easily parted with his money, such was seldom the case with an unhappily married sergeant of police. And it was never the case with a canny English Garden Gnome of the Scottish persuasion - even if His Worship was sometimes befuddled as to whether he was a good EGG or a Brownie in a kilt. Thus when the initial 'friendly' game became serious and the health of the Leprechaun Law Officers Pension Fund was looking seriously endangered, one ace too many was noticed being dealt from the bottom of the deck. Then a tattered and grimy dog collar could not save reborn Finbar O'Gizmo from an angry sergeant of police and an outraged canny magistrate.
Although Finbar O'Gizmo was instantaneously born-again as Father Swami, he nevertheless was frog-marched to the police station and there made a sudden close acquaintanceship with a cold cell, lodging there for the night. The following morning, the cold light of a bleak day revealed that the Finbar O'Gizmo gracing a curling wanted poster now stood before Magistrate Patrick McDuff in a closed court. It was closed to shield the cloth from possible scandal, given that the born-again priest who'd slipped back into his pre-natal days might still somehow be ordained by God.
It was a very slim possibility! But His Worship did not want perchance to irk the Divine Personage he'd innocently overlooked to worship for some goodly time. Thus the magistrate sentenced Father Swami to seven years servitude in the recently formed Royal Leprechaunia Navy. There, this alleged cleric in dog collar but suspiciously without slinky black frock of the cloth could serve as a chaplain - hopefully, on a troopship full of agnostics and atheists. It was Magistrate McDuff's recommendation to Admiral Seaweed O'MacLoch that now newly conscripted Chaplain Swami should greet and counsel misguided daughters of the Church - of both the Holy Leprechaunia Church and the Leprechaun Protestant Church - who patriotically swam out to passing troopships.
So it came to pass the Father Swami found himself transported in the police paddy wagon, hauled by Police Horse No13, all the way to Port O'Cork on the coast. Father Swami, almost unfrocked from the black frock of the cloth he didn't deserve, could only wonder about seven years of penal servitude - of servicing wayward daughters of the bi-polar Church who patriotically swam out to troopships to stiffen morale, if not morals. He thought it might be more uplifting to be stationed on an aircraft carrier, reasoning that such a vessel would probably attract a better class of swimmer, determined to have heady times.
To this end, Chaplain Swami donated his magic deck of losing cards to the old salt in charge of naval recruitment. He did so in exchange for a posting to a hot-air balloon carrier where a lot of glib sweet nothings might prove to be so much hot air that helped wayward swimmers safely berth and accomplish their patriotic mission to stiffen morale.
See also:
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 1
05 Widow Weeds
09 On the Wagon
Leprechaunia the Brave - Lyrics
Leprechaunia the Brave - Lyrics (re-posted for St Patrick's Day 2009.)
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 2
17 A Werewolf-Vampire by Any Other Name
20 Serendipity
The Leprechaun Stood on the Burning Deck - Lyrics
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 3
22 The Three Wise Homeless Leprechauns
23 The Three Wise Mummy Leprechauns
24 The Three Wise Nun Leprechauns
25 The Three Wise Hari Krishna Leprechauns
26 The Three Wise Buddhist Leprechauns
27 The Three Wise Pilgrim Leprechauns
28 The Three Wise Unemployed Leprechauns
29 The Three Wise Academic Leprechauns
30 The Three Wise Associate Professor Leprechauns
Leprechaunia the Olde - lyrics
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 4
32 First Casualties of the Second Vegemite War
33 The Battle at The Slumped Leprechaun
35 The Victorious Vegemite War
36 The First Goodwill Expedition
39 The Last Post for the Fallen
40 Blessings
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 5
43 Sister Minty
45 Fellow Travelers on the Road
48 Plotters and the Sergeant of Police
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 6
51 The Royal World Mud Wrestling Championship
54 Captain Pegleg Sook & Spotted Dick
56 The O'Mohican-Leprechaunia Nation
57 The United States of Leprechauna: a Potted History
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 7
65 The Holy Association of Hit Men
69 Hitch-hikers
Tales from Leprechaunia - series 8
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Comments: 53
When it's time for us to move again, we're thinking of right here, can that be arranged? :) I love this!
Marilyn
Kathryn, there's plenty of bumping and grinding in the horizontal, legless position ... the legless ones bump into each other when rolling on the floor under the pub's tables.
Swami pulled a fast one, even at the end!
Thanks for posting to The Surreal Circus.
Giovanni MacO'roni - This name is inspired, Magi!
As is unravished deprivation - biggy smile on that phrase.
I'd love to imagine your thoughts as you imagine and write these fantastic stories. :)
I was able to get on last night and saw this. I knew then it had to be my Sunday Morning treat. You did not fail, Magi. I've got my giggles for the day in large measure. I can float til sundown.
I'm pleased that you enjoyed reading this tale, my friend, as much as I did writing it.
Father sawmi is actually Finbar O'Gizmo, a conman!!! I guess he was te right man for the Naval job of servicing ladies swimming to the ship.
Your ending: '... to stiffen morale." had me ROFL.
O-h-h, my... right to the point... LOL!!! :-)
Blessings and best wishes - S.
The names of your characters are very entertaining as usual!
I wonder if Father Swami ever got to the hot air balloon carrier???
I had a double banana smoothie on the rocks.