Earlier this month my friend Sheryl O posted an article bemoaning the parlous state of science education in the United States. To give Shezza a little comfort and because Gather needs more silliness I brought this from my UK comedy site Boggart Blog where we usually take a topical news item and put an insane spin on it. In this article the part about Ronald McDonald teaching maths is true.
A Glossary of unfamiliar terms and references is provided at the foot of the article.
The crisis in the maths class seems to grow ever worse. The latest news from the blackboard jungle down under shows that so great is the dearth of maths teachers in schools and the complete indifference of the pupils to the endlessly fascinating mysteries of pi or the occultism of quadratic equations, Ronald McDonald has been recruited by the government to teach basic maths online.
Leaving aside for a moment the rather inconvenient fact that children over five unanimously hate Ronald McDonald more than they hate maths teachers, because to the sophisticated modern child reared on Little Britain or The League of Gentlemen, clowns are sad, pathetic and totally unfunny while to the sensitive, unsophisticated child clowns are scarey.
Let's face it, clowns are so a million years ago. In the catalogue of modern humour clowns rank somewhere between sticking a whoopee cushion on your granny's chair and putting on a red nose to climb into a bath of baked beans for comic relief. Not effing funny OK. Meanwhile on the scale of frightening, Ronald McDonald is ahead of Jenny Greenteeth, The Bogey Man, The Wardrobe Monster and Iggy The Barebum Firebobby, right up alongside Jonathan King and Gary Glitter in fact. And that is very very frightening.
The Australian government have not thought this through of course, a spokesperson for the Australian Department of Education, Science and Silly Walks said; "Our main concern was that McMaths would be used to influence consumer choices but McDonald's have assured us the programmes will be free of free of corporate interests.
Oh well that's alright then, I mean it's not as if Ronald's clown suit is festooned with the corporate logo or that the character is a universally recognised symbol of the brand is it?
A different spokesperson, on behalf of the parliamentary opposition took up this point saying; " Strewth, that bludger Ronnie Mac. should stick to cooking burgers and the Department of Education, Science and Silly Walks should stick to educating kids. before we know where we are that drongo Jamie Oliver will be selling tucker for a supermarket."
So will McMaths help children do better in class or will it just encourage them to eat more burgers. You can decide after reviewing this sample maths problem.
Four Okker Larrikins, Bruce, Bruce, Bruce and Bruce pool their money, buy a bacon McMuffin each and decide to spend the rest on tinnies. They find they have enough money to buy twelve tinnies and decide to go to Bruce's house to drink them.
As Bruce's house they put on a DVD of the 2005 England versus Australia Cricket Test and sit down to watch, hoping this time Kevin Pietersen will be out for naught and Australia will win. Before the action gets started Bruce decides he needs a dump. While he is gone Bruce, Bruce and Bruce drink all the tinnies:
a) how many tinnies will be left for Bruce to drink when he gets back from the Dunny?
b) the question shows that Okker Larrikins do not give a XXXX for anybody but themselves. Calculate the value of XXXX ?
c) While Bruce was in the dunny he was bitten by a redback spider. The venom which turns human blood to jelly normally kills an adult male in thirty minutes. As Bruce is dehydrated because he has not drunk any tinnies how much more quickly will he die?
GLOSSARY:
Little Britain }
The League Of Gentlemen } bizarre black comedies
Jenny Greenteeth, }
The Bogey Man, }
The Wardrobe Monster, }
Iggy The barebum Firebobby } Grade E cautionary
nursery monsters
Gary Glitter }
Jonathan King } Former pop stars, now ageing paedos.
Okker : Australian
Larrikin : Redneck
Tinnies : Cans of beer
Dunny : Toilet
Redback : Deadly spider that lives in the dunny
Bludger : A person of little worth
Drongo : A person of even less worth
Jamie Oliver : An irritating celebrity chef
Are Monkeys smarter than humans at math? Look at A Tale Told By An Idiot to find out.
Can Ritalin Improve Humankind Some pushy parents would you believe are giving their healthy ordinary kids ADHD drug ritalin in the belief it will make the children more intelligent by improving concentration. That seems like a kind of cruelty to me.
Original of this article posted on Boggart Blog
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Comments: 12
Mickey D's doesn't even teach its own employees how to count change. I know. I worked there when I was a teen.
Answer to the maths problem. Piss off.
Answer to question 2: Thank you for posting to this group whose only purpose is to thank you for posting to this group.
I must admit Piss Off was usually my answer to mathematics homework when I was at school.
A+ fpr that. You've earned yourself a floater pie. (A meat pie floating in a bowl of pea soup.)
It's no joke. In the past year in Britain we've been given
McOlogy - the science of burger flipping
McPrenticeships
I only have one pace - frenetic :-)
Hey come on, floater pie is Australia's greatest contribution to world cuisine.
(I a filet steak myself but I guess I'm just common :-)
My initial thought is "Why do the Brits insist on pluralizing 'Math'? Do they singularize 'Physics'?". If so, that would be just as odd. My second thought is, "Thanks for the glossary of terms!", or I would not have had a clue about anything you wrote in the second half of the article.
Beyond that, I personally detest McDonalds and have not bought anything from them in eons as I think they are playing an integral part of humanity's ultimate downfall. I almost look forward to the day when humans are gone and large dinosaur-like creatures crush the crumbling Golden Arches all over the world.
p.s. Nice to see you again.