How Much is Too Much, and Being Torn Between Two People I Love So Much

I have always had depression.  Ok, my diagnoses...  severe major depression reccurent, PTSD, and anxiety, with, obvious, insomnia.

I am also a "caretaker".  I don't want others to feel the pain that I have endured, or the lonliness that I have felt, while living with these conditions.  I know that I go too far...  that's something my therapist has always tried to work with me on, but I'm stubborn in that area...  I, so, remember, taking ninety soma...  so wishing that I had someone to turn to, who would care, and try to understand.  With my family, however, this pretty much sums it up.  I had died in that ambulance, and they brought me back.  My mother would not even call the hospital to see if I was dead or alive.

Therefore, I can NOT turn my back on someone who reaches out to me for help.  BUT... I do not know boundries.

Anyway, I am in one of the toughest situations in my life, at this moment.  I moved to California, for a fresh start.  I met my Dad when I was sixteen, and we have been so close ever since, although it has mainly been through emails and phone calls, with a couple fun visits.  James, the man I have been with for the past few years, came along, and my Dad said he had a treatment center lined up for James to go into, for his anger issues.  That fell through, and James has been living in the car for a month and a half.

I am soooo angry right now, yet so torn.  I know that my Dad loves me and only wants to protect me....  but...

Dad is an alcoholic.  Before I moved out here, I had never seen him take a drink.  In fact, he was a drug and alcohol counselor for thirty years.  At first, after our arrival, he told me that he sometimes had an "occasional highball".  I said Ok.  He's an adult...  my son and I are staying in his home until we can get on our feet...  etc.  The problem is...  it's not, "an occasional highball".  It's bourbon, until he is falling over, driving in that condition, etc.  It's bourbon that caused him to almost burn down the entire apartment a couple weeks ago.  Although he swears it "could have happened without the alcohol", I ran in there, as I realized the house was filled with smoke.  I got in there as he was getting ready to try to put out the grease fire with water.  He, finally, got a fire extenguisher to work, but he was so drunk that he didn't notice there was still a towel on fire and flames shooting out from under the sink.  He thought it was all over and all "fine".  He argued with me about his needing to go to the doctor, because he wanted to "clean up the mess", so, "there would be less stress for me and Baylee, and we could forget it happened", although the blinds were completely gone, and many other things burnt.  The ceiling, walls, everything were black, and there are spots in the floor that will have to be replaced.

Baylee and I finally got Dad to go to the hospital, where he discovered he had first, second and third degree burns all over his hand.  He will need skin grafts and plastic surgery.

Dad knew I was pissed.  He swore off drinking from that day forward.  Of course, I wouldn't be writing this if the obvious hadn't happened, and he is back to falling over drunk.  I tried to talk with him tonight, after Baylee came to me, upset, because Grandpa had promised he wouldn't drink anymore, and Baylee saw a bottle that said Whiskey, and, "Grandpa tried to hide it real fast".  Dad started yelling about the fact that he is in pain, and he was drinking due to the pain.  He's out of pain meds, although he received ninety a few days ago.  I told him he was in denial, that he was drinking long before he had the pain in his hand.  He was drunk though...  I'm sure none of it sank in...

Now...  James, my fiancee.  He has terrible problems with anger.  Understandably, Dad wants him to get help for it...  isn't it funny how they can each see the problems the other has?!!!  (Not)  James has been working his butt off...  he has never before taken medication for his bipolar (he is now).  He would not go to church before...  he is devoted now.  He has seen a therapist, and has more appointments scheduled, as well as his appointment for the pscyh.  He did not have enough meds, so as humbling and difficult as it was for him, he went to the psych ER a few days ago, to get meds to get him through until his appointment.

I am soooo frustrated with both of them right now.  I am being completely torn in two different directions, by two men I love so much.  But, I, also, find that I am not able to take care of myself in all of this.  It's either taking care of Dad or taking care of James.  Dad gets upset because I'm gone so much, spending time with James, but Dad's stubborness, won't allow James in his home.  So, to spend time with the man who has been Bay and I's family for the past several years, I have to go elsewhere.  James is upset, obviously, because he hates being away from us.

There is one thing that they both know comes first...  Baylee.  Regardless of if Dad is drunk and wants me to talk and spend time with him...  or regardless of how lonely or depressed James is...  I am here, making sure Baylee eats a good dinner, making sure he gets his bath, his teeth brushed, saying prayers with him, letting him know I love him.  Bay is my son...  that is my responsibility, and one that I love dearly.

But...  where do I come in here???!!!  Neither of these men seem to see (or care) about how heartbroken and torn and stressed and ill I am.  I throw up every day...  wonder why?!  They are both so angry at each other, and so stubborn...  but they're losing sight of the fact that they are fighting over someone that they both love, and that someone is getting hurt terribly in the process. I would probably check myself into the hospital, for my stress right now, but I won't leave Bay in this situation!!!

Oh, God, this is one of the hardest things I have been through in my life.  I spent all the money I had getting out here (as I was told my Grandpa probably wouldn't survive the illness he had, but, thank God, he is doing better now), so I have no resources to find us another place.  I find myself getting so angry at both of them, for what they are doing, yet, at the same time, defending both of them.

I don't really know my purpose in writing this...  guess I just needed to "let it out".

Any prayers, for all of us, would be soooo, greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much for letting me vent.