Mayo Sandwiches!

Sometimes I really wonder about kids today. I was pulling some bread, mayo, and ham out of the refrigerator this past Saturday evening in order to fix myself a ham sandwich. I wasn't ravenously hungry or anything, but I wanted something just to tide me over. As I assembled the ingredients there on the kitchen table, my two former tax write-offs suddenly walked in, eyeballed what I was doing, and promptly began laughing. Seeing as how there was no obvious reason for them to laugh, I simply asked them both what was so humorous?

Alison replied, "You are, Dad. What are you trying to make?"

"A ham sandwich."

"You mean, just a plain ham sandwich, two pieces of bread, mayo, and ham? That's it?"

I replied that bread, mayo, and ham was the time honored formula for plain ham sandwiches, the only allowable deviation being that some people prefer mustard over mayo. I'd no soon gotten those words out of my mouth when they both started laughing again. After a few moments of that, they calmed down, but they both had smirks going on their faces. Will got down to brass tacks when he said,

"Dad, I didn't know anyone ate plain ham sandwiches anymore."

Alison added, "Really dad, that's showing your age. No one I hang out with eats plain sandwiches. Look at all the food choices that are out there now."

It sort of teed me off, to be honest, this implicit feedback that I'm some sort of out-of-touch old man. Thinking quickly, I responded, "Is that so? Well, how would ya'll like for me to whip up something for you here, something unique, something that you've never had before and that you'll want to eat over and over again once you've tasted it?

They both nodded their interest.

I smiled, picked up four slices of bread, and laid them across the table. Then, I took my knife and jar of mayo and ladled a thin covering of it across all four slices of bread. Finally, I took the pieces, formed them into two sandwiches, and handed one apiece to Alison and Will.

They both stared at me like I'd just mooned the Pope or something. Will asked,

"Dad, isn't something missing here?"

"What's that, son?"

"Well, like the guts to this sandwich."

"Son, that's it. I just made you and your sister a mayonnaise sandwich. They're mighty good eating."

Both of them thought I was kidding. Alison informed me that she hadn't been born yesterday, and that I was trying to pull something over on her cause she'd laughed at me about my ham sandwich. I assured her I wasn't, telling her that mayonnaise sandwiches were pretty common fare when I was growing up. She still refused to believe me, so I tried to further build my case,

"Look, just try it. It's actually pretty good, and, if you want to get fancy, sprinkle a little pepper on it. You'll have to have one everyday if you do that."

"Dad, I'm not eating two pieces of bread with just mayonnaise on it. How dumb do you think I am?"

I could see this was getting me nowhere. Will then said, "Dad, if you prove to me that people really ate mayonnaise sandwiches back when you were coming along, I'll eat one. In fact, Alison and I both will eat one. But we need solid proof."

I told them both that was fair. Now, I need to ask a really big favor of y'all, my fellow Gatherites. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one here who's ever eaten a mayonnaise sandwich. I've heard more than one of my Southern contemporaries tell me that they'd eaten them when they were growing up around these parts. Please, would anyone out there who's ever eaten one please scrawl me out a little comment below about it? It doesn't have to say much, just a sentence or so telling me that you've eaten a mayonnaise sandwich before. When I get some, I'll print them out, and then give it to my two continual cash burners here to read. Y'all have my word on it. And, if I get enough comments, I might even write a follow-up epistle just to let ya'll know how much they enjoyed their sandwiches. Y'all have my word on that, too.

Strike a blow against all this pre-processed nutritional crap they sell these days, and help me teach two young'uns some respect for a venerated Southern tradition - the mayonnaise sandwich!