You have a family member who you know to have many problems. For years now you and others in the family have all kept it "hush, hush" that she is bulimic. Her little children know it to be so and yet things have continued to be unspoken. When out to family dinners or functions, everyone knows when she disappears, where she has gone to and for what reason.
Of late she has been arrested twice for shop lifting. Twice. The first time, she had both children with her and her husband was permitted the awful task of going to the store and picking up the two children before their Mother was handcuffed and hauled off to jail. I can't imagine a more embarrassing situation or humiliating either for her husband or the rest of our family. The attorney fees to get her out of jail were immense and yet she was only in jail for a few hours, luckily. She is on probation now for this problem and is seeing a psychiatrist about her bulimia and shop lifting.
This happened again last week. She called home and told her husband that she was being arrested and that was all that was known for hours. Everyone sick with worry but at least this time the children were not with her and they were safely picked up from school without knowing or seeing the awful truth, again. This time an attorney was not needed to be called and she was able to bail herself out as she had the money in cash that she was to use to pay for the children's private school tuition for the quarter. Over a thousand dollars wasted on her stupidity!
This family member is neither hungry, shoeless, or needy in any way, shape or form.
Now it has come to light that SHE is sneaking around drinking heavily. She will hide bottles of wine in her brand new vehicle and has been smelled with alcohol on her breath by other family members at different times of the day. Bottles of empty bottles of wine and brand new ones have been found in her vehicle and other places within the home. Her husband has forbid her to drink and yet she continues to do so and now is hiding it from him and others. The children are speaking of it openly. The older of the two little ones clearly spoke of her Mother's drinking the other day and her 14 year old sister reprimanded her for speaking of it calling her a "tattle tale." Their father heard this and told the older one not to call her little sister this, yet this little secret continues.
My worry is this, since she is hiding drinking from her husband, this means that she is drinking while away from home which is when she is taking the children to or from school or out shopping. What do we family members do or say? We are very worried about her drinking while driving and especially when she has the children in the car with her. This family member has been known to drive very fast and erratic at times with countless traffic violations for speeding.
Do we just keep quiet and let the inevitable happen? Let her continue sneaking around drinking and ultimately be involved in an accident with the children in the car with her?
What would you do? We are all sick with worry about this situation. (*Note: This is the wife of a very close family member not a distant relative.)
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Comments: 76
Pray for her.
Her husband MUST make sure she is not driving either alone or with the kids. Why? Because she will hit someone.
Right now an innocent person is getting into their car, taking their children to school. Your relative is downing another drink, slipping into the driver's seat, and about 5 minutes from taking a life.
She'll survive. She'll drown her guilt, if she can feel any, and it will happen again one day.
Stop her now. If you can't think of a way to make her stop driving, call the police and ask what they recommend. They may tell you to take the keys, tow the car, but they will very likely tell you to STOP BEING QUIET!
That said...
Sick people don't always know they are sick....or won't admit they are, especially if they are never confronted. They'll continue their toxic behavior. However, once confronted by family members, it's up to them to make the decision to change their life. Family can only do so much. They can beg and plead...continue to bail her out, but it's up to her to change. Nobody elses.
Personally, if my husband had that problem, I couldn't stay married to him. I'd try to help him and encourage him to change, but when it starts to effect the kids, it's time to leave.
The husband will need lots of family support as this will be EXTREMELY difficult and painful for him and could result in the dissolution of the marriage. There is a lot of pain in this family and everyone needs to reach out to them in support and prayer.
INTERVENE!!!!
The children safety needs to come first, and it is apparent that she isn't capable of of looking out for them. I would approach the husband concerning the kids. Even if it made me look like the b---h.
Help the kids first and if she wants help then help her. She can help herself those kids can't help themselves.
As well don't be surprised if her husband doesn't already know about the drinking and just trying to avoid it. He is just as responsible for stepping up to the plate and he isn't when he don't intervene for those kids.
Get professional help, I agree with this advice. It's all too emotionally charged and untrained people always sound attacking when they are upset. You can't handle this alone. The woman is threatening her own life and that of her children and strangers (if she is driving drunk) Do something.
Nothing you do or say will help. You can try, but usually your words are spoken on deaf ears.
All I can say is good luck. You'll need it.
This whole family is neck deep in this and anyone and everyone that loves and cares about them does need to step up and take resposibility for any part they play in enabling.
A professional intervention in definitely in order. Someone with psychological as well as a medical experience in this area is most certainly necessary.
She will need time to detoxify her body and brain and the whole family will need to learn coping skills while they build back up their trust in their mother and in their own self esteem.
The time for blame is over. The disease is horrible, but the treatment doesn't have to be.
She needs a lot of help, she has the love, although misplaced in hiding her dangerous problems, bit they can be easily turned to be much more productive for her.
And yes she would have to want the help, so her husband would have to issue her an altimatum that he is willing to stand by that would put the desire into her. I think you know what I mean.
I am not meaning to be rude, or harsh, but to cure this issue, you need to address it just as hard as it is hitting your family, but with love, not anger or hate.
Somebody has to step up even if it spellsdisaster to the relationship.
Believe me, I speak from a tragic experience.
Years later, I was to learn of an aunt's run-ins with the law. Evidently, she had quite an extensive history of arrests (mostly for shoplifting). My reaction was to ask, "How can we help her?" I was told by several members of the family that it would be too difficult to bring up the subject because it is her business not ours. I understood perfectly: "A family is as sick as its secrets."
Joe...you are obviously that all-knowing expert on pretty much any subject. I commend you!
Sue B., I think that's unfair! This person is not Esther's responsibility. She's trying to help.
I said Esther might be overwhelmed, and that's why she can't make the decision, but certainly there is no question here. This is the very reason that government gets involved in the lives of people. I'd much rather see someone who cares for this family get involved than some DCF stranger. By the time they do, it may be too late for those children anyway. Do you not understand the kind of danger they're in?
Not her responsibility? It's anyone's responsibility who knows about this and can, to do something about it. in fact, I would blame the people who knew about it and did nothing if something happened to those children far more than I would blame the mother. She's sick and she needs help too.
How many stories did I see on here about that Casey Anthony case? I shook my head, rolled my eyes and moved on. They all wanted to crucify the mother, but the mother was sick. I blamed the people who knew that this mother was not in her right mind and allowed her treatment of her child to escalate to such proportions. Did they not think it was their responsibility? It's no wonder we live in a society that wants to depend on the government.
I agree with you about this, Sue. It is galling that the banks and businesses accept money from the government when sound business decisions would have a better effect. The fact the our society rewards this lecherous behavior by corporations increases our chances of losing a loved one through violence. It is quite regrettable.
I believe that Casey Anthony was quite adept at keeping her abusive behavior secret. That is why no one from the family got involved.
There are a few more awful things she can do to get attention, and they are even worse than the behaviors you've already observed.
This person must get psychiatric intervention, probably coupled with medicinal therapy.
She is no longer able to effectively parent. Someone must step in to protect the children immediately.
In Massachusetts, (possibly all states, I do not know) a family member who appears in sound mind may request a "pink slip" intervention where the family member is removed for a period of time for assessment. It's harsh - but consider it if it is your only alternative. DSS and other childhood protective services provide harsh assistance. Try to keep the children out of that system if you can.
Someone must act on her behalf before cutting begins and worse.
Good luck.
try a family intervention
not just for her but her husband also
Please say something.
Those kids maybe in danger.
~Thanks for sharing with WFYB!~
intervention and try to get her on the road to some help.
<3 Krystal
I know this, not as a caregiver or as a love-giver but as a family black sheep. I have hurt myself so many times making bad decisions but I haven't and probably won't step off the abyss because I have a sister who loves me and two brothers who I suspect still care.
I was blessed growing up under the tutlage of parents who loved one another and devoted their ordinary everyday lives to one another for more than fifty years. The greatest lesson from that experience is "FAMILY MATTERS". So Esther, make it matter.
I love you hon.