She's been with this guy for 7 years. They've been engaged for quite a few of those years. He just confessed he's been cheating on her for a year (my husband and I were pretty sure of that for a while, but Jessie didn't want to believe), and the girl is pregnant.
Jessie says that's it for them. She inherits his half of the ferrets. She's upset because she doesn't make all that much money. He made quite a bit more than her. Ferrets are not cheap pets. They'd been planning to move into the house we've been working on, but she can't afford it by herself.
What do I say to her? They've broken up before, but never with such a deal-breaker as a pregnant girlfriend. She said he told her he feels guilty. I told her he SHOULD feel guilty.
I told her things will work out. One door closes and another opens. She said that door isn't opening for a while.
Thank God she finally got on the anti-depressants she's needed for a long time! She's losing weight and going to the gym. And her ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
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Comments: 41
But, that's little comfort to her I'm sure.
She's not alone (again little comfort), but as I told my daughter once that if she never took the chances and experienced the losses, she'd never know the joys of truly loving someone and being loved in return.
That seemed to help her heal.
BTW, had a ferret for 6 yrs named "Mitzi". She was a BIG favorite of the schoolkids where I volunteered. She loved to empty my purse and then crawl inside to sleep. She also rode around in the hood of my jacket a lot. She loved vanilla wafers, and terrorizing the cat. I swear I heard her laugh when she'd manage a "gotcha" moment with him. She died of pancreaitis, and I still miss her sometimes.
I think you should go out and buy a huge container of the chocolatiest ice cream you can find, some hot fudge and a big ol' can of whipped cream too. Get out 2 spoons. The two of you should sit at the kitchen table and eat til you feel sick.
I don't know why, but it helps. :)
I don't know why, but it helps.
That, and I have this really strong feeling that it's not over.
Most states no longer recognize this, even for a couple living together 100% of the time and sharing income and expenses. Only nine states still remain, and some of them have their own provisions, like Iowa which demands a date and $50 payment by both bride and groom to the Registrar. (Iowa Code Ann. §. 595.11; McFarland v. McFarland, 2 N.W. 269 (Iowa 1879). [§ 595.11. )
All I can suggest is...it's time to move on. Help her with her self-confidence which will surely take a hit and make certain she knows his weakness, and not her worthiness, is what caused this. Men are like busses...there'll be another one along any time now.
Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
It's hard. I'm just worried about what would happen if the pregnant woman decides to end the pregnancy and the boyfriend comes crawling back. Not a good idea to take him back, but difficult to ignore that kind of thing.
You have. You've lost him, too. Even if you weren't terribly fond of him, he was part of your life for many years. He was your daughter's dream. You've lost a lot.
I'm usually the odd one out, but I'll offer a bit more of my oddness for what it's worth. I would not tell her someone else will come along and I would not tell her he must not have loved her. She probably needs to believe he loved her for a while - and he probably does, just not enough. And she should spend a long time alone, getting to know herself again before she thinks about another relationship.
She is planning to spend time alone, but I have my doubts that will last very long. She may be overweight, but she's a striking natural redhead with a wicked sense of humor.
Thanks for the kind words.
This is going to hurt for a while and it will hurt in different ways at different times. There is the hurt of a relationship lost. There is the hurt of believing a thing was true and having that belief ripped loose and tossed away like trash. There is the thought of shared memories, now discredited. It's embarassing. It can lead to problems with self-esteem. There is affection that will hang around even while the anger is at work and it seems a shame to dismiss it. All of that and a lot more.
I would center on the idea that no matter what: it is over. There is no going back. There is no going back. Did I mention that there is no going back? Unless the ferrets are really special, I would recommend losing them. I would recommend losing most of the "stuff" that characterized the style of that involvement. Time for a fresh start and what better way than to lose any of the crap that has been dragged along for all this time.
This guy was cute, he had a way of charming people, he looked like something a bright, intelligent woman would aspire to. But he wasn't that. He had faults, and those faults were sufficient to rule him out as a mate. Too bad he was clever enough to hide those defects, but it's a done deal now. Best of luck.
Remind her of her good qualities--like the striking red-head good looks and wicked sense of humor you mentioned. She's been through a real ego-bruiser and could use some stroking. Point out that a woman as great as she is deserves to be adored and shouldn't settle for less. (Except for a fling or two here or there--but nothing long-term.)
Send her loving energy.
Offer to review her finances and help her budget to live on her own--that's a real confidence booster. Accept her refusal graciously, and tell her the offer's open-ended.
Point out that cheating is a symptom of a relationship that's ill, but long-term cheating w/ multiple partners would tell *me* that the relationship was terminal.
When you feel she's ready, ask her what she's learned from this. (e.g., I wouldn't appreciate my husband so much if I'd never been in a relationship that didn't work out.) Looking back were there signs she missed or dismissed? What would she look for in a mate *now*?
Go to top and repeat as needed.
Kim: Thanks for the advice. We took her out for a couple beers tonight (Chris and I). She seems to have a darned good attitude so far.
That's just it. Lots of times they don't.
You're doing it right - being there for her and listening and taking her out to do things, but what happens in the future is out of your hands. That's the kicker. Good luck - you're doing everything that you can possibly do right now; so just keep doing it.
Marilyn
This is about YOUR babygirl.
Money ~ *sighing here, literally* when a person gets used to a two person household it is almost impossible not to feel as though one is going to make it through. However, we always always do. It's not about where we live, or how much stuff we have......but its about what we do with the one life we have. She is doing great by going to the gym ~ taking care of one's body is very important, and in this case, more than likely a well deserved stress relief.
And, one of the obvious things that will happen when people break up is weight loss. May I interject a tad bit humor? Do you know why single women are usually more slender than married? A Single lady comes home, looks in the fridge then just goes to bed. A married woman comes home, looks at the husband in the bed, and then goes to the fridge. *Sorry I couldn't resist, this phenomena is proven*
So, What do you do? Exactly what you are doing, Barbara. You are there, and listening. The only thing I would strongly suggest is not to put the ex down. I know you want to because he hurt her, and you and everyone involved. But your goal here is to remember this is all about how she feels....so let her fuss and moan, and cry and beat the walls...and you stand back and let her. Hand her the tissues when she needs it ~ drive her to the gym ~ help with vet bills, if you can......but your lack of interative action, is the appropriate action at the moment. That is what I would have wanted my mom to do, if she and I had ever been that close.
And, when the fallout settles, she will look back on your comfort and support and then know how to deal with it, when it happens to HER daughter. That's what moms do.....help our daughters learn how to teach their daughters.
I love you Barbara ~ and hope things smooth out soon. And I am here with you if you need to talk ~j