Breaking News: Several Republican Members of Congress Found Unconscious... Condition Reported as "Guarded" [Satire]

This just in:  Unconfirmed sources are reporting that several House Republicans were rushed to Walter Reed hospital early this morning. Hospital spokesperson Al B. Dern would only confirm that there were "at least" two congressmen being treated, and that their conditions were listed as "guarded."

While details are sketchy, we've learned through congressional sources that the afflicted congressmen were found slumped against the rear wall of the House chambers, lying atop one another "like pieces of firewood" and exhibiting indications of temporary oxygen deprivation that manifested itself as "fainting," resulting in unconsciousness.

Other members of the House Republican caucus remained silent on the reports, directing all inquiries to their spiritual leader, former House Speaker Tom Delay, who is now running a combination whore-house and drug-money laundering operation out of Juarez, Mexico.  When contacted via a remote two-way video feed accessed only after purchase of a 3 month "Gold" membership, a scantily-clad, heavily-rouged and severely flatulent spokeswoman for the Delay Republican Brand Repurposing Enterprise stated that "according to internal Republican sources on the scene, there had been a momentary panic in the rear of the chamber when instructions on stonewalling and obstructionist tactics were being distributed, along with complimentary samples of Tequila, Cialis and Viagra, among the Republican caucus members."

Apparently, members of the caucus had gathered in the rear of the House chamber to receive their hourly "talking points" which are distributed via secure satellite feed from the International House of Republican Pandering which is co-located at the Delay Juarez headquarters.   As the spokeswoman went on to explain, the Republican caucus members are unable to think individually or independently, and thus, they are known to exhibit inordinately high levels of anxiety during times when they are awaiting what they colloquially refer to as their "new party-line pablum."  One inside observer, who requested anonymity for this report, stated that the caucus members are "as jumpy as a pen full of gobblers on Thanksgiving!" until they receive their marching orders.

Members of the Congressional House Republican Caucus Leaving their Chamber Today's Incident

Ironically, this unusual incident of momentary panic run amok may have been triggered by a gesture of outreach from the newly elected President Obama.  In yet another attempt by Obama to seek a bipartisan dialogue regarding some of the more pressing issues confronting Congress and the Democratic new administration, he directed his representatives to approach the Republicans "with open arms."  Indications are that when the Obama representatives entered the chamber, Republican members began frantically jumping about in an ever-tighter cluster, shouting what sounded like the phrase "possible partisan political ploy!" over and over.  Evidently,  as the sounds of their own panicked voices reverberated around them, the resulting echo triggered an even more frenzied scramble against the back wall of the chamber, as the congressmen sought to distance themselves from the White House representatives and their threat of bipartisanship.

It appears that the situation ultimately became dangerous when the panicked Republicans--now uuvulating with such a high-pitched furor that the resulting cacophony was described as very much like "gobbling turkeys"--madly climbed atop each other against the back wall of the chamber.  It is believed that sort of critical mass was exceeded causing the members at the bottom of this  flustered fistula of hysterical humanity to be unable to breathe for several minutes.

Emergency personal were able to respond quickly with "lobbyist decoys" bearing bulging envelopes of cash to lure the conscious Republicans to another part of the chamber.  Those who remained lying on the floor were successfully resuscitated, but remained noticeably agitated upon regaining consciousness.  Rescue personnel assured them that the "mean and scary" Democratic dialogue-seekers were no longer a threat, but that did little to calm the afflicted congressmen.  Only later was it disclosed that the source of their agitation, upon regaining consciousness, was the scent of lobbyist money that they could instantly detect lingering in the air.

More on this as details become available.