Today I cried

As many of you know I have a heart condition.  You also know I came from a home of abuse.  So many say that physical abuse or sexual abuse is the worse.  For me it isn't, I have suffered most by the words of my mother then I have the hands of my father, uncle, or even my ex husband.  Maybe this is because my mother continues to abuse me to this day.  I actually feel sorry for the woman to a degree she is missing so much in life.  She has to be ill to not only turn away a little boy that she could have as a new grandson.  I really don't want her in his life then again.  I can't allow her to hurt James as she has me, the child has been through enough.

What has stirred all this up again?  Recently Eric called my mother first while I was admitted in the hospital to tell her my condition and what happened.  He asked her to get ahold of my children (Nicholas has his own place and Megan lives with her father) and please let them know it may be very serious.  She agreed to do it and in fact did so.  When I got home from the hospital he called her again to update her and let her know I may need a pacemaker.  Once again she brought up things I did as a teenager normal things.  She then accused me of things that I never did to my children.  Like accused me of starving them once they turned 6.  Okay mom so I picked an age out of the sky and said okay at 6 I will stop feeding my kids.  Boy they sure did grow up pretty darn healthy and my ex and I sure did have to continue buying a lot of clothes because they outgrew them fast.  But okay whatever she says.  She ended the conversation with "I really don't give a s*** what happens to her".  I have to say how she acts now is mild compared to when I was a child but then again maybe it is because I don't allow her to hurt me.  I don't go around the woman anymore and really don't care to.  I pray for her yes because I know she is going to adventually pay for the abuse if it isn't here on earth it will be when she is standing in front of God.

Mom if you ever read this it is for you and for me.  This is to let you know I will no longer allow you to hurt me.  I will continue to pray for you as well as all the other abusive adults in this world.  I pray you are not hurting those children you babysit.  For you I write this poem.

Today I Cried

Today I cried,
Not for me for you.
A mother not on my side,
How can it be true?

Today I cried,
I know you must be ill.
Your moods a tide,
It has to be your will.

Today I cried,
You are missing so much.
What if today I died?
Would you then be in touch?

Today I cried,
I you continue to hurt.
So many times I lied,
Making me feel like dirt.

Today I cried,
Children I save.
So like me they don't hide,
Like me they can learn to be brave.

Today I cried,
You show no remorse.
I let it slide,
Breaking the cycle I had to force.

Today I cried,
You continue the abuse.
You are now on the ringside,
Here on out you lose.

© 2009 S. Renee Hutchinson