February 22, 2009
By Digger Burrows,
GNN terrorism and nefarious monetary activities correspondant.
The Secret Service announced today the arrest of a terrorist cell that planned to flood the upper Midwest with counterfeit money. The group called "The Liberal Trolls," had produced over twenty million bogus one dollar bills.
In a daylight raid the Secret Service swept into a former grain elevator in Hibbing, MN and seized over twenty tons of counterfeit singles. In a coordinated effort, simultaneously with the seizure of the questionable currency, the Secret Service and local law enforcement personnel nabbed the ringleaders of the group .
The Secret Service was alerted to the crime by the owner of a local convenience store who found seven unusual dollar bills in his drop safe. Rajendra Patel said "I was making up a bank deposit and noticed that the picture on the bills was unusual. I called the police who examined the money. The currency expert said "This isn't George Washington.'" Patel, a proud naturalized citizen, noticed the discrepancy himself. "The picture was Karl Marx." said Patel. "I knew Washington did not have a beard."
Secret Service Spokesagent Joe Hill remarked, "They planned to disrupt the vending machine business, valet parking, and public transit. Apparently they tested a few bills at Mr. Patel's store. They bought lottery tickets with them."
Dramatic irony struck the conspirators when one of the tickets turned out to be a five dollar winner. Trolls member Andrew Mellon was apprehended when he tried to claim his winnings.
The Hibbing Daily Tribune today reported receiving a document from the Liberal Trolls claiming responsibility for the counterfeiting. The document was signed by Elihu Root, identified in the document as "Chief Troll." The document described an effort to destabilize "All business that depends on dollar bills and dollar bill changers including political fund raising and laundromats." The document decried valet parking as "the shame of the Midwest" and called for an end to coin operated snack and beverage machines. "Only pinball machines will remain" the document stated.
Hill says that the counterfeit money will be burned after the trial.