Shedding Light: Step Seven by Linda B. (FOURTH Attempt to Repost to the Group)

Me, Myself and I

 Me: I'm really liking the changes I'm experiencing over the last few weeks. My body feels lighter and I am starting to enjoy being kind to myself; I don't feel so guilty when I do something nice for myself. I've been giving away my personal power to people around me who may say that they have my best interests at heart...but in some instances, those people are not really thinking what is best for me, only what would be best for them in the same situation. Recognizing that is a major step in learning healthy ways of relating to others.

Myself: Loving other people hurts. They leave. And loving myself hurts, too, because I'm supposed to think of others first and I feel guilty when I state what my needs are and ask to have them met. Food helps push the hurt down so I can continue to give to others. It's not comfortable or easy to give to myself; whether it's a healthy food choice, the decision to get up and exercise anyway when I don't feel like it...immobility may be comfortable in the short term but brings its own pain in deterioriation of the body, which affects my emotions....New feelings are surfacing and sometimes the intensity is scary. Who knew that taking a candlelit bath could be so relaxing? Or that it would unlock old fears and finally release old tears at the same time?  I will trust in the process of revelation, recognition and resolution because it makes me stronger.

I: I want to do everything right and in order. Perfectly. Only then will I feel as if I deserve to be kind to myself, as if I can then give permission to Me to feel happiness,  contentment and joy. When will that day ever come?  I'm getting tired of waiting to feel worthy of being loved. I want a relationship with a man who appreciates me as I really am, not as he thinks I should be. I will be Me. To be what someone wants me to be is to be someone else entirely and is not a real relationship. I want someone who loves me as me. I also want honest eyes as I look for healthy relationship...I want to be able to see all my relationships, not as I need them to be, but as they really are.

Me: Being kind to myself by developing my creativity, making healthy choices about food and exercise, and deliberately creating opportunities for sensual experiences that involve body, mind and spirit is a way of reclaiming my personal power as a beautiful, serene woman with an awesome creative bent. My relationships will change, yes, and some may end since the changes in me will become evident to others and they may not be comfortable with the person I am becoming. Endings can become beginnings when the old is swept away, making room for the new. I don't have to be perfect; I can be perfectly wonderful without struggling to meet such an excruciating standard. Life is a journey of becoming, of growth, not merely a means to an end. My emotions will catch up as my body begins to trust that healthy choices will continue to be made. Over the next month, I will commit to staying open to whatever changes happen and not immediately reject them because they are new. I hope to become stronger and more confident of my own abilities, both in managing my choices and in relating to others.