I Hate Telephones! (Cell Phones Suck Worst of All)!

I hate telephones. Of all the type telephones that are made, I hate cell phones worst of all!

If I were a betting man (which I am), I'd say that most of you out there wouldn't agree with my statement. You'd probably tell me that telephones are a wonderful thing, that they allow us to communicate with just about anyone we want to, at any time we want to, and anywhere they happen to be. You'd also probably tell me some things about internet connections, conference calling, cell phone/Blackberry technology, etc, etc, etc. And I'd just sit there, listen respectfully to you, and even nod along as you rattled some of that stuff off. I'd even agree with some of your logic. Some.

I'd do all those things, but I'd still hate telephones. I genuinely do despise them, more than I hate one-ply toilet paper. And, it's pretty easy to understand why. Just consider the following:

1. Around eighty percent of the calls we receive we don't want.

Think of all the calls we get from relatives wanting money, favors, or discussions regarding their various ailments; calls we get from strangers wanting to promote religious or political causes; calls from polling organizations wanting "data"; and my personal all-time favorite, calls that start off with, "Excuse me, sir, are you the man of the house?" I always fight off the urge to answer, "No, I'm the woman, I just haven't woke up good yet."

2. They give telephone solicitation people jobs.

Telephone solicitors give convenience store workers and ambulance chasing lawyers a good name. I particularly love the ones that are obviously reading from a script. You can say almost anything to them, and they'll continue reading. My daughter Alison and I disagree on how best to handle them - I hang up immediately when I realize I've got one, Alison will listen until she can break in, say, "We're not interested, thank you," and then hang up real quickly.

3. They keep 900 numbers in business.

I read somewhere recently where they're thinking about eliminating the 900 number services. Since this would eliminate a lot of skanky infomercials, that would in and of itself benefit humanity. I do have mixed feelings about eliminating the services where women talk naughty to you cause I'll probably never get a real call like that from a woman, so a bought one may be my only hope.

4. They sense when you're in the bathroom, and ring.

If you've just gotten home from eating the volume special at Taco Bell, the exact moment you settle into your restroom is precisely when your cell phone will ring. And at said precise moment your ass and the toilet seat will be separated by about a foot or more due to the intense vertical leap off the seat that you'll do. I'll be discreet and say no more, but ya'll know where I'm going with this.

5. You end up paying one hundred percent of the bill for them, but your teenaged daughter accounts for ninety percent of the usage.

Alison not only spent the majority of her teenaged hours at home on the phone, she developed this sixth sense regarding when it would ring. It never ceased to amaze me - the phone would ring one time, she'd pick it up, and it'd be for her. If the phone rang a second or third time, you'd know the call was for one of the rest of us. And she did this without having caller ID on her phone. I guess it's just one of those clairvoyant gifts that you hear about some people having. One thing you could always bet on was that if the call was for someone other than her, she'll time the conversation, and, after about ten minutes had passed she'd make it real clear that you needed to stop talking as she might have "another call coming in."

Now ya'll see what I mean? And I didn't really get into the heart of my hatred for cell phones here all that much, even though they're about the most irritating electronic devices ever. In fact, if I really went into my feelings about them, my language would end up getting kinda rough and they'd end up slapping one of those warning messages on this article which means that I'd look like a cad and lose a lot of views that there's just no reason for me to lose. So, for those reasons, I will keep my $%#-ed mouth shut. But it hurts, though!

Well, I could go on more about this, but I'm not gonna run my literary privilege into the ground. My case here is made, and my work for this article is done. Wait! Y'all are gonna think I'm kiddin', but my cell phone has started ringing! There goes one ring....two rings...I really do have to go now, this call's for me, and I can already feel a cussin' comin' on...