Experts Say Children of Chamberlain Will Change US Doorframes

CHICAGO.  As the newly-installed President of the Society of American Structural Engineers, Armand Tuttle says he's realized a childhood dream.  "When I was a little boy, I was already thinking about it," he recalls wistfully.  "I'd sit and play with my Erector Set--which is a toy, not a body part--and imagine what it would be like to gavel a meeting of fellow engineering geeks to order."

Erector Set

But Tuttle's dream has turned into a nightmare, he says, as he found upon taking office that he faced a challenge nearly as imposing as the troubled economy inherited by President Obama; the looming problem created by the offspring of 7'1" basketball player Wilt Chamberlain, who claimed to have had sex with 20,000 women before he died in 1999.

Wilt Chamberlain

"You now have four generations of these giant mutant offspring out their breeding," he notes with alarm.  "If each one produces just 20,000 offspring before he or she dies, you're talking 400 million seven-footers bumping their heads into lintels," the horizontal load-bearing member spanning an opening such as a door.

Chamberlain snags a rebound in another losing effort against Bill Russell.

Chamberlain towered over most players during his time, attracting women "like mosquitoes to a bug zapper," according to demographer Norman Schonfield.  "For some reason chicks dig tall men," notes the 5'10" senior fellow at the Center for the Study of Population Change at the University of Iowa-Keokuk.  "They don't seem to realize that you're much better off with a shorter guy who's going to love you for who you are," he says, before excusing himself to sob quietly while eating alone.

In one day?  When did you have time to eat?

Chamberlain was known as "The Big Dipper" because he had to duck his head to enter most buildings and rooms, but he lacked the political clout to force changes to American building codes.  "What you'll see as Chamberlain's offspring become eligible to vote is a new standard," says Tuttle.  "Most doors are 6 feet, 10 inches now, or about the size of Bill Russell," Chamberlain's long-time nemesis on the Boston Celtics, he notes.  "If they try to go through them, they'll get rejected."