Everything You Thought You Knew About Portland Cement But Were Afraid to Ask* [Humor]

*This is an Asterisk (Since I'm spoofing a classic best-seller from the 60's that used an asterisk in it's title, I found myself with little choice but to put one in the title as well.  So sue me!)

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People, this is serious.  Everything I've come to believe about the world is now, against my will, being called into doubt.  You grow up assuming that certain things just are.  Not because any law makes them so, but because you want to believe in a certain goodness--some basic human decency--that keeps the truth true.  And now I've given up any such innocent beliefs.

Let's start with the facts: Portland cement is not a casual reference in the manner of Texas toast or French toast.  We're not talking about Portland-style cement, after all!

It's right there on the bag people!

There it is in black and white: "Portland" Cement.  But it's NOT Portland cement.  Not really.  Oh sure, some small proportion of all of the cement out there might come from the vicinity of Portland.  In fact, I seem to recall a pretty large operation outside of Gresham, Oregon that dealt with the processing and bagging of cement.  But Gresham is NOT Portland!

And don't give me any crap about Portland, Maine either!  If they produce any cement there, it's a drop-in-the-bucket compared with all of the counterfeit stuff that's out there!  It turns out that Portland cement is named after some island off of Great Britain!  An island, for God's sake!  How many of you have ever heard of Portland Isle?  Anyone?  I didn't think so!

So where does some little pipsqueak of an island get off naming virtually all of the cement that you or I will every have occasion to use after itself?  Are we even living in America anymore?  I'm beginning to wonder!  Worse yet, it doesn't even look like an island!  It looks more like someone forgot to lift up the pen when he was finished drawing the British coast, leaving a long string with a blob at the end.  Island my arse!

And you call yourself an island!

If you actually were to Google Portland Island (and, seriously, why would you?) you will find numerous references to various places that call themselves Portland Island.  But most of those that you would find are not the island that has the unmitigated audacity to pretend pre-eminence over the entire cement producing industry!  Give me a break!

I wish I had better news to end with, but it turns out that there is little that I can do to change perpetuation of this travesty.  It's been going on for a couple hundred years now, and apparently I'm the first one who's called them out.  I know, I know!  It's difficult for me to believe, too!

I can't ask any of you to take up charge with me.  As much as I enjoy the company of others in such causes, I'm pretty sure this one won't be resolved quickly, at least not to my satisfaction.  I will persevere on my own, knowing that someday...somehow... I will receive my just reward.

I hope I've at least opened your eyes to this shocking situation.  Live and be well.