Take a walk in the past with me, The Death of the Ex-husband, hurts just as bad. My LOVE out Loud Moment.

James Edward Levette Sr. The Father of my Three Children (Whitney, Jarrett, and Harmony) passed from a heart attack, on Thursday, January 29th, exactly one month after his 59th birthday. This passing was sudden, and unexpected.

He will be missed by all his Children Terrence Jackson, James Jr., Andre', Whitney, Jarrett, and Harmony.
This hasn't been a good year me as well, I lost my Husband Jerry in August of 2008, and the passing of my Ex-husband was hard as well, even though I divorced him in 1997, my heart loved him for he was the father of our Children.

The thing that surprised me the most is that he had changed; he had now belonged to a Church, and was the Deacon of that Church. I had forgiven him many years ago, for the pain and the sorrow that he had caused me.

Many Years of a new life in a new state, James paid his child-support and continued to work his Job that he had for 15 years, and just recently had contact with the children again. They were so happy to be talking to him, and had planned on going to his wedding, he had met a new lady named Gwen, and they were just about to marry. Life works in the strangest ways. For years I tried to get him to have contact with the children, and he was always to busy. Gwen knew which girl was Whitney, and which was Harmony, and said that their Dad talked about them a lot. She wants to continue to be a part of the Children's life as well.
I traveled to North Carolina with my Children to bury their father, it was a sad/emotional trip, we visited our house we used to live in, gathered a few things of the children's mostly pictures. I was surprised that the house was exactly the same, as if I had left the day before yesterday, and it had been 11 years. And that he had saved so much stuff that belonged to the children, and me. Whitney was so emotional she couldn't even enter the house. Harmony left that home when she was too young to remember. She went in and then she started to remember things, as well, and was telling me.
The family that I left, still loved me, and was so glad to see us all. Harmony and Whitney spent a great deal of the time with there older brothers, Terrence and James Jr. I was unable to locate Andre' and Jarrett was unable to attend. And to see all the nieces and nephews all grown up was truly amazing, and them all remembering me was even better and still calling me Aunt Ellen.
James had two Sisters, which never have gotten along. And one Sister was trying to run everything like always and the other standing back to see it the other can get things done. Finally my grief stricken daughter Whitney couldn't take it any more and called the other Aunt to ask for help. Then things were on a roll, and Whitney went with her Aunt to the funeral home, and everything was planned.
We made contact with the children's Godfather and he was so glad to see the children, he had been looking for them for years. I tried to contact him many times but he had no house phone, and I could remember his address with the GPS we were able to locate him. And he agreed to be a pall bear, with the Motor Cycle Group Cross Road Riders. James and he were best friends, and he knew nothing of his passing, he had just seen him, two days before.
We visited with family and old friends, Whitney broke down crying, saying she could remember nothing, when people remembered her, she was so upset she didn't remember them, she blocked a good part of her childhood out, and remembers very little.
We had to leave as soon as the service was over, we had a 12 hour drive ahead and my Dad that drove us, and Whitney and me had to work the next day.
Another emotional ride home, we looked through the pictures that we had gathered, and the good memories outweigh the bad. We drove thru two snow storms, and the roads were icy and bad, we arrived home at 2 am and I couldn't sleep, memories flooded my mind, even tough I was emotionally drained, and very tired. I wondered what happened to James and I, and why he choose to be mean to myself and the children, but I came to the conclusion that I wasn't the Judge, there was a higher power that he dealt with. But yes, there will always be that what if question, in my head. My Children suffered, I suffered, I went on, I made it, and I am somewhat happy. My Children really needed their father back in their lives, and yes I feel somewhat guilty today, that I couldn't make it happen sooner, before they lost him forever.
I look at my son Jarrett and he looks just like his Dad, but this is a Dad that told his Son he couldn't be his, talk about emotional, I know for a fact that he was, so DNA tests proved it, and he still didn't believe it.
My Youngest daughter wasn't wanted by her father, he wanted me to have abortion, and I refused, he didn't talk to me the whole time I was pregnant, or take me to hospital the day she was born, his oldest Son Terrence did. Talk about emotional. Then when she came home from the hospital she was his little angel...go figure.
My oldest daughter was clearly his pride and joy, but as all the children she walked on pins and needles around him.
So to make a long story short, we must pick up the pieces and move on with our lives. And I must be here to support my children in this emotional time.
To my ex-husband James, I loved you dearly, but I loved my children more. I am sorry that I had to take them from you, but I wanted to protect them and myself from you. This is my Loving out loud moment. Thanks

for letting me love you, and giving me my wonderful children.