Last November 24, I lost my older sister LoRena to a probable heart attack. Her husband refused an autopsy, for his own reasons. It was a total surprise. She was the one who was going to outlive us all. She was the "healthy one". The one who quit smoking twelve years ago. The one who exercised religiously. The one who gave up caffeine four years ago. The one who used Mrs. Dash in lieu of salt. the one who bitched to the rest of us to live healthier.
This is probably the hardest loss I have ever had to deal with, including both parents, a brother, and one husband. She was probably my best girl friend in the world.
She and I were extremely close, talking on the phone just about every day, and seeing each other when we could. She lived about four hours from me, so visits were generally for a celebration of some sort, usually about six or seven times a year.
She was "information central" for the entire family. The organizer of family celebrations, the keeper of secrets, the first one to call with any sort of news.She was the one to call if you wanted to know Great Aunt Martha's maiden name, or Uncle Bobby's recipe for fried frog legs. She was the glue which bound us all together. I miss her dreadfully every single day.
My problem is e mail. I have not been able to "delete" her from my address book. Every time I get a joke or something to be passed on in my email. I open my address book, and there she is, and there she isn't. It pains me every time I open it, yet I cannot bring myself to hit that one little button which says "Delete".
I have saved everything I have received from her before she passed, and have all that in a folder, but I just can't bring myself to delete her from my address book. It seems too final, too done, too dead, too much.
How long is the appropriate time for deleting lost loved ones from your life?
by
donna f.
Member since:
March 6, 2006 I Can't Delete Her
February 08, 2009 08:44 AM EST
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Comments: 100
I can't bring myself to delete anything.
Sorry for the loss of your sister. I know how painful it is. Take care.
There is no set amount time that a person grieves. Some people take longer, some people take less time.
I understand you not being able to delete you sister's name from you address book, and every time you look at that name, you think of her, and you think of all the memories.
the Good and the bad.
Take time to reflect on those, share the memories if you want with friends and loved ones.
Sometimes sharing and talking about her will help you get through it.
Don't ever let anyone tell you that there is a set time to grieve, because there is not.
I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sister, it sounds like you were close.
Mooch
If you feel like she really needs to be deleted in order to clean up your address book, maybe you can print all her emails you saved before deleting them. That way you will always have them to reflect on. Then....after her emails are gone, delete her address from your address book. Maybe doing this in stages will help.
My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine losing my best friend. I'm so sorry for your loss.
{{hugs}}
It was several months before I removed one of my distant cousin's phone numbers from my cell phone after she had passed, and I was nowhere near as close to her as you were to your sister.
Death is so hard. I lost my beloved mother suddenly on December 18, 2008. Just yesterday morning I came across some lipstick I had bought for her and had not given her. I almost threw it out, and realized in a split second that if I had sent it to her, she would have gotten a few uses out of it and then her nusring home would have discarded it without a second that. That innocuous looking tube of lipstick suddenly took on meaning to me. I may keep it forever, I may keep it a year. For now, it is a reminder of the love I havefor her. And I believe email to be an even more tangible tool of your friend, and your love for each other. How wonderful that you also have written notes from her to re-read, and reflect on! Keep it as long as it takes - even forever. Peace and comfort to you!
I always say that some of the best writing comes out of pain, and I just wanted to add that this is beautifully written.
I'm sorry you lost not only your sister but your best friend. In time the pain will end but the loss will always be there. Keep her in your thoughts, when you need to talk to her she will be there, even if it's only in your imagination.
I know exactly what you mean. last year for my birthday, my sister gave me a necklace in a "Tiffany" bag (the necklace was NOT from there)...we had a standing joke about me wanting something from Tiffany's, as her daughter always bought her a gift from there when she went up to New Hampshire to babysit the grand kids, so my niece and her hubby could get away for a few days. I almost used that bag for a gift to my own daughter, but I found I just couldn't part with it. Its silly what little things mean so much to us.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I almost lost my son last March, when he was in an ATV accident and spent 3 weeks on a vent in a coma. I don't know how I would fare if I lost a child. That has to be the worst thing to happen to anyone. My deepest sympathies. And yes, I DO talk to her...and my Mom, and Mommy's been gone since '79.
I beilieve in time, that you will be able to do this. For now, you seem to need to have that connection still there. I still have my mothers Afghan. It is now so thin, and I sleep with her rosary..She died in 1993. Don't worry about time. I don't care how much time goes by, when you deeply love someone, you do not stop loving them and what they contributed to your life because the passed away. Rather, you share your love with those things you can somehow touch. Remember them by. Feel close to them by. I do not think it is healthy to shut down your grief for what is considered a reasonable time. You go on with your life, you do what you do , love others etc, but the fact that someone who was such a part of your life is gone, does not mean your heart turns off. That is not healthy.
You will delete someday, you will know when it is time.
Take care!
I'm sorry for your loss
Have a Great & powerful day W/J!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! /a>
Hang in there honey. Everyone grieves at their own pace and the time will be right when it's right. Your heart will tell you clearly.
I'm almost ready to
Give yourself plenty of time to grieve. I still mark my grandmother's birthday on my calendar every year, and she died 5 years ago. I still have the address listed in both her and my aunt's name - they lived together. I doubt I will ever change that. I like seeing her name when I open my address book. For some reason, it gives me something to hold onto, even though I know I shouldn't. I know she has gone on to a far better place and I am so happy for that. But, I would tell you to do what makes you feel best. If you don't ever want to hit that delete button, I wouldn't blame you in the least.
God Bless, and I am so sorry for your loss.
I inheirited my Grandmothers Buffet. To this day (10 years later) the 2nd drawer is STILL as she had it.
Full of her's and her Mothers Aprons, old recipes and notes.
I like it there...feel like she laughs at me for keeping it as such.
When and IF they day ever comes for you...you will know it.
:)
I am deeply sorry for you loss...but now know that LoRena still lives on as NOW, there are more people who know that a wonderful woman named LoRena, lived, breathed and laughed!
I keep the license tags of my dogs too.
I am still wearing his rings.
There is no timeline for grief. We all have to handle it in out own ways. Don't let anybody tell you that enough time has passed. Only you know it. A person who lives forever in your heart cannot be deleted by the click of a button, but sometimes, we need to put reminders of then in a safe place, to only be brought out when we feel able to look at them. We need to heal ourselves, and looking at reminders every single day can work against healing.
I wish you comfort.
I know the feeling. I had a juice box that belonged to my dad (a juice box!) in my refrigerator for something like 8 years. It sounds silly, but I just couldn't throw it out. I finally did, but not until I moved.
its ok, i still sent her a messege one drunken night last month sayin i missed her.. lol
im here for u
love you!
awww yourself. Thats sweet, a little warped, but sweet. Love you too kiddo!
Your sister sounds like a special person. Every family needs one who has all the information handy and is the go-to person. You've lost not only your best friend, but an important person in your life. A loss like that could take more time. God bless you.
hugs
How long is the appropriate time for deleting lost loved ones from your life?
Guess if you are askin the question, it probably isn't time.
Best to you.
But the mundane that she doesn't concern herself with anymore, like e mail and address books, jsut hit the delete button and you won't notice after a while, it ties her to the earth and that isn't fair to her either.
I lost my older sister, and my Mother, together. I am sorry for your loss.
There is no reason to delete.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Don't rush the grief process.
There will be no time when she is totally gone from your heart. And, just remember that she is probably watching over you right now.
Painful as it may be, just let her messages stay for the time being.
Your own soul will tell you when it's time.
And, by the way, I'm very sorry for your loss.
Hugs, A.
Maybe one day you will feel that it is time to take the address out of your address book. Until then, just wait.
There is no reason to rush.
She's looking down upon you and she's glad you loved her so much... but she doesn't want you to be sad for her... she wants you to be happy....
there's no more pain for her... no more putting on socks and having them not feel right.... no more tags in the back of her clothing poking her in the back of the neck... no more chicken stuck in her teeth and no more itches in the place where she can't reach to scratch... all that is passed for her.... and she's warm, safe and happy..... looking down and hoping you can be happy for her too!!!
sending you love.
I'm so very, very sorry for your loss. I hurt for and with you. I've lost people that I've loved prior to email, years ago, but I doubt I'd have deleted them even now. Grief takes time; it's up to nobody but you when or if you ever delete her from your email and you know what? You don't have to.
Sending you gentle hugs,
Marilyn
Did I mention, YOU GUYS ROCK. Thank you again, from the bottom of my pea-pickin' heart.
Only you will know when the time comes to (only if you want to) delete her.
"Never" can be an appropriate time; at least in my book. Some people should never be deleted from your life; and some people can't be deleted from your life; ever.
Sisters, such as Rena, are one of those that can't.
Hugs, Honey.
i stil have my old cell phone that doesn't work because i know my mother's number is in there along with my fiancee who bothed died in 2006
you will know when it's time