Unnatural Language in Fantasy Fiction Submissions

 As I read through submissions I receive for our speculative journal, I've detected a pattern of behavior that I want to address.  I have noticed a misconception among fantasy writers as of late.  That misconception is that all fantasy fiction must for some inexplicable reason sound as if it is being spoken by a Gaelic maiden...or new age quasi-witch.  Take, for example, this sentence from the opening passage of a recent submission: 

Muttering words of power as she painted the bright reds and yellows and whites of the meadow vagrants, working a spell into each with a stroke of the brush, the mural after long labors came at last to completion.

 Now I admit that I skipped taking grammar in college because I didn't want to diagram sentences.  My academic advisor was also the professor who taught the grammar course.  One day I stopped into her classroom before class to ask a question and saw the mid-term.  It was a single sentence from William Faulkner, written out on the chalkboard.  I almost cried.  But though I never mastered the fine art of sentence diagramming, I like to think that my 4-year English, Liberal Arts degree gave me a firm working knowledge of the language.  Yet I am at a loss as to identify the subject of the above-mentioned sentence.

 Too many fantasy writers, it seems, have this delusion that fantasy writing (particularly of the sword and sorcery variety) must possess a certain flowery verbiage.  Sentences must possess no fewer than 30 words each.  At least once per paragraph prose should send your reader searching for a dictionary, or at least use a word in a way it has not been used in 300 years. 

 Don't get me wrong, I am all for challenging the reader's mind and expanding one's vocabulary.  But unless those "meadow vagrants" are homeless people, 90% of your readers are going to have no clue what you are talking about. 

 The point being, writers of fantasy are often writing from what I call an unnatural place.  In an effort to emulate the classic fantasy authors of the past, they lock themselves into an unnatural style and diction that makes their work come across as bulky and awkward.  A few points to keep in mind when writing fantasy.

 Word Choice:  Unless your story takes place in a Victorian Setting, don't use the Victorian definitions of common words.  And really, this goes for using an antiquated definition of any word outside of its cultural setting.  Sure, "gay" originally meant "happy" and "virgin" originally referred to an unmarried female, but if you describe your heroine as a "gay virgin" you are going to give a completely wrong impression to the modern reader!

 In contrast, if you are in fact writing a story set in a different era, the opposite holds true.  For example, take this sentence from a recent submission, set in Medieval England:

 Catherine adjusted herself in the seat once more.  It was a narrow thing with a high back and legs that were too long.  The only way her feet could reach the floor was by sitting on the very edge.  But the chair was not balanced, and doing so caused her to tip forward.  In order to avoid spilling onto the floor, she had to recline back into the chair.  But then she feared she was presenting a far too seductive pose.  The chair was perhaps the least ergonomic thing she had ever seen. 

 Everything is fine until we get to the last sentence.  The problem?  The entire concept of ergonomics, and the word itself, originated in the 19^th century.  Catherine wouldn't be concerned about an ergonomic chair.  But she would be concerned about an uncomfortable one.

 Sentences that never end:  When in doubt, shorter is better for clarity.  For example, this selection from a submission we recently received:

 Marcello, still weary from his argument with Theresa who had yet to forgive him in regards to the duel he had entered with her petulant brother Harry when he had challenged the honor of Marcello's sister Felice after she refused to accept his invitation to the Count's Ball even after he had already arranged for a private carriage (complete with roses draped across the horses), braced himself against his father's tombstone and sighed.

 Well, that was a mouthful.  Ready to keep reading ten more pages of that?  No?  I didn't think so.  Sentences like this, besides being grammatically questionable, tire the reader out.  The reader has to spend so much time processing what is actually happening here that any mood the author tried to achieve is lost.  The passage is salvageable by simply adding a few well-placed periods.

 Marcello braced himself against his father's tombstone and sighed.  He was still weary from his argument with Theresa.  She refused to forgive him for dueling her petulant brother Harry.  But Harry had challenged his sister Felice's honor, simply because she refused to accept his invitation to the Count's Ball. 

 Long sentences work.  I use them myself.  But they need to be used properly.  Vary them up with shorter sentences that allow you to place more emphasis on a single thought.  Break up extremely long sentences to provide better clarity to the reader. 

 And...and...and...what?:  This is a common one, more common than you know.  You see it in the opening example, as well as this one from another submission:

 They were all there, ready for battle.  The Helmsmen of the Eastern Stair and the Barbarian hordes of the Grasslands and the Highlands and the archers of Canterwoods and the renown swordsmen of Harkerbridge and Raven's Heart and Mill Valley as well as the dwarves of Boulderbrook and the warriors of Black Hill.  All of them stood before the undead armies united and ready to face down the evils brought forth from the liche king and his undead generals and captains. 

 I'm not even sure where this comes from, the excessive use of the word "and."  Just...just don't do it.  No more needs be said.

 Sure, it is a balancing act to both convey the fantasy feel of your setting and communicate clearly with the reader.  It is not easy.  But good writers learn how to do it, and bad writers talk about gay virgins.