Conversations with Congress

As a concerned citizen, perhaps you've had occasion to send your representative in Washington a letter like this:

Dear Mr. Congressperson:

House Bill 999, the Teaching Junk Science in Schools Act, is coming up for a vote in the House this week. The reforms the bill seeks are counterproductive to the education of our children and will make them less able to compete with others who are actually educated in the real world with fact-based science.

Among other flaws, the Junk Science in Schools Act encourages teachers to support the view that moon might actually be made of green cheese, instead of the rock and dust that astronauts collected and brought home with them in 1970.

Passage of this bill will make our students laughingstocks at every institution of higher learning in the world. I implore you to vote against it and return the American educational system to its place in the ranks of the reputable and scholarly.

Respectfully,

Ann Weaver Hart

Representatives in Washington always write back, so if you answered yes to the first part, perhaps you've received a reply that went something like this:

Dear Mrs. Hart:

Thanks ever so much for your letter about the desirability of teaching schoolchildren that the moon is not really made of green cheese. I work diligently to assure that the young people in our district receive the best possible education. I appreciate having the benefit of your comments on this important matter. I have studied educational matters carefully for years and have become an expert in such things.

I am aware that critics of the legislation point out that the moon is really made of rock, and that teaching American schoolchildren that rocks are really green cheese might impair their ability to compete in universities where facts are more important that beliefs. In reality, this is not the case at all, and beliefs are much more important than facts. Believing that the moon is made of green cheese could actually possibly make it so. It may also contribute to the war against terrorism and national security. Keeping you and your children safe is my first concern. After careful consideration, I have decided to support House Bill 999, making it the law of the land that schoolchildren be taught that the moon is made of green cheese.* I make this decision prayerfully and with a clear conscience.**

We are a wonderful and civilized nation. It is the duty of those in public office to ensure the proper upbringing of our youth. As a Texan, you can be confident that I will do everything possible in the U.S. Congress to ensure that we fulfill this primary responsibility. I appreciate the opportunity to represent you. Thank you for taking the time to contact me.

Very truly yours,

John J. Congressperson

*Translation: "The Lunar Green Cheese Association PAC funds my campaign."
** Translation: "I've decided to ignore you and do as I damn well please."

Fill in your personal cause. If the facts remain the same, perhaps it's time for one that reads like this:

Dear Mr. Congressmoron:

I really do not care where you get your campaign funds from. I do, however, care that I sent you to Washington and am paying handsomely to keep you there. Furthermore, I care deeply that my children are being taught propaganda, and I want it stopped. Lastly, and perhaps most importantly to you, dear Mr. Congressmoron, I care that you, my congressional representative and employee, have sided with a special interest group against not only me, but against common sense.

Since these are incontrovertible facts, Mr. Congressperson, I think it only fair to warn you that should you continue to ignore requests for accurate representation, we will find it necessary to find someone to replace you who will represent us, the constituents.

Sincerely,

Ann Weaver Hart

Yes we could. Yes we did. Yes we will.