I was reading an article in a women's magazine talking about how marriage is dying because the studies say it's so. According to the census figures analyzed by The New York Times, married couples, whose numbers have been declining for decades, have finally slipped into the minority. While it may seem like you can't find any single friends to go bar crawling with, chances are a small minority of all those couples you know aren't married and probably won't be in the future.
I personally feel that marriage is nice for some people, but not the end all, be all for happy coupling everywhere. I come from Parents who have been married for 52 years this year and an old fashioned Spanish/Catholic family with all of the supposed traditions from ions ago, but I know that marriage is not for me. I have all of the benefits here in the state of Texas that I would have were I married and had that certificate that would signify it.
Sure, marriage makes sense for a lot of people from an economic perspective - tax incentives and all that. And for others, marriage is a really romantic notion, one in which brings the couple together in order to procreate. Ideally I suppose that should be the way that it is but these days it just isn't. I know that there are women and men that do exist that have been planning their weddings since the day they emerged from their Mom's uterus, I just don't know any of them anymore.
Another reason marriage is dying? Because divorce is much more popular. Seriously, people are embracing divorce with more vim and vigor than marriage these days - and studies show that divorce benefits men in the end. Contrary to the popular myth that women take men for all of their worth in divorce settlements, a new study has shown that men actually benefit financially after a divorce! Getting un-married makes men richer. So why get married in the first place?
All of this does not say, however, that monogamy is dying. On the contrary, many long - lasting relationships are between couples who never tie the knot. Do those relationships have more longevity than married relationships because there's something about wedded bliss that isn't so blissful? I have personally been co-habitating with the same man now for over eight years and we are comfortable the way that we are. Here in Texas we are considered common law married if we pay bills as a couple or have both names on property along with other different factors. We don't need anyone to give us a certificate to make us more of a couple or more responsible or respectful towards each other. I think that it is a matter of attitude about the relationship, the depth of commitment, is perhaps different for some. Some don't feel as if they are tied down with that little piece of paper. Personally to me, I like the freedom of just being able to say that I'm not married or the jinx that marriage has brought to my life two times before; (twice bitten, twice shy) - and that wasn't going to change regardless of whether we had a traditional marriage or not. I do believe that I would have thought differently had we had children.
Perhaps more people are opting out of marriage because of lack of commitment , and because they don't think marriage to be the ultimate symbol of commitment. The fact that people are considering what commitment truly means, rather than going along with tradition for tradition's sake, is a good thing in my humble opinion.
What do YOU think?
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Comments: 91
I love my husband if anything happend to him I would not remarry.
Those researchers should have contacted me. Paying alimony to my ex of $700 per month for life doesn't exactly qualify as a financial benefit!
I mean look at the responses you end up getting. I bet overall the older generation will view marriage as more sacred than the younger folks will.
It isn't an easy thing to divorce or separate after so many years together although sometimes it seems so much easier to think I'd prefer to leave.
I'm happy that you are happy in your marriage.
I congratulate you on your 28 years of marriage and do understand how "HE" can make you so angry sometimes...so does mine. Yikes!
I had to giggle at your closing sentence. "However I don't even know it it will snow tomorrow."
JOHN BECK , Feb 2, 2009, 6:42am EST
Luckily things have really turned around for us of late and we will continue to thrive now that the seas have settled down around us a bit.
I am happy that you found a good man that you too can thrive and perhaps grow old with.
I don't blame you about the not wanting to remarry were something to happen to your mate. I don't think that I would either.
Congratulations on your 19 years of marriage!
Sorry to hear that you have to pay that money. *shakes head*
You're right. I do think that it is older peers that will not agree with the general gist of my post.
Thanks for your input.
Now, that said, if something happend to him, there's no way I'd ever marry again. I would not need to for financial reasons, nor would I want to for emotional ones. Even if I did 'fall in love', I'd not make it legal again.
but propaganda to bring down the old time institutions.........
Today, people move a lot. The basic unit of economic production is the factory / business, not the family. Now the most important thing for a marriage to accomplish for the couple is psychological support. While they can provide this, the marriage is solid. When they stop providing it, at least one of the couple is probably in psychological trouble because of that lack of support, especially if they move to a new town. Divorce is needed and is valuable to the mental health of our society for the couple and for any children.
But the technology is still changing. We may be able to stop moving so much and many not have to lose our old friends when we do move. That will take a lot of the strain off the husband / wife bond and allow loveless marriages to last. We'll see.
I want nothing more than to be happily married for the rest of my life, however long it is.
And you know, their numbers wouldn't be so anemic if they'd get out of the way of gay marriage.
I rejoice when a marriage or a partnership is happy but I raised my kids on my own so what did I need a husband for?
I don't think marriage is dying, I think people are lazy. Oh, what we had a fight let's get divorced. It doesn't work that way. You have to give it your all. It isn't always a party but it is worth it at the end of the day.
Well, I still like him, I still love him, he still loves me and likes me ... life is much easier with him than it would be without him.
Seriously, I do believe that in these times of economic decline more marriages will remain together than were headed for the scrap heap. Today it is easier to remain together than it is to get a divorce, according to family law practitioners.
I have said before here on this forum that I think that my marriage has lasted because we each made the commitment to ourselves. We each wanted a life partner within the context of a marriage ... we each wished to succeed in a marriage so that we actually committed to the institution first. We each found someone that we could trust, who was loyal, whom we loved. This all plugged into the framework of marriage and as worked.
Would I remarry if something happened to D? I adore men, but I need no one. More than likely I would find someone whom I would wish to spend my time ... but at this age, I could not see myself remarrying.
Then, everyone is ready to just file for divorce over the smallest of issues. I know I complain about my dh and the serious troubles that our marriage has, but I took the vow of for better or for worse. When I get enough, I assume I will have the courage to leave.
: I thee wed: or go Contract...perhaps 3 to 5 year renewals? We do NOT live in the same would they did centuries ago, and today's old fashioned ways just don't CUT it!! Less than 20 per cent of marriages are" till death do us part"...which means it is time for CHANGE...
I spent more than half my life married to my wonderful Stuart. His sudden heart attack blew holes in my very soul. Almost 4 years later, though, the solid goodness of him and of being married to him makes me rejoice that I was blessed to be his wife, and makes me want to find another good man to marry because the loving companionship of marriage is so very beautiful.
What is usually thought of as a romantic promise (or in the context of religious practices) is mostly a business deal in the eyes of government.
Better to have been married. You have that piece of paper to prove the dates.
Marriage is hard like anything else in life.
But people choose not to honor their vows.
I got married when I was 18- Has it been easy? No but we loved each other too much to let things just fall apart.
We work through issues- we talk about what is bothering us and we work it out.
But the problem is that most give up.
I have never regretted getting married and I have never thought of divorce.
Murder maybe but not divorce. LOL
Ralph M
In answer to Dorine H's post. Marriage shouldn't have to be a lifelong commitment. What if your significant other changes as he ages? What if he suddenly starts wearing plaid shirts and sweatpants, and begins to ask everyone : "are you workin' hard, or hardly workin'? What if he stops brushing his teeth, or showering? I couldn't live with that.
I've been married twice (divorced once), and feel that if you don't have the commitment to each other and the relationship, the "piece of paper" means nothing. My generation was taught that getting the "piece of paper" was a sign of adulthood; that "living in sin" was a symbol that you hadn't grown up enough to commit to marriage, children, etc. I don't necessarily agree with that worldview entirely, but do feel that we're way too skittish when it comes to "serious" issues like marriage.
So anyway, yeah, maybe the stats wouldn't be so bad if they let this whole group of people who WANT to get married, marry!
Check out my 40 Years of Loving article.
I also think that gay marriage should become a reality in this country. I think that because there are many benefits that are bestowed to married couples. Those benefits are tangible and reflective of a society affirms marriages. For those reasons, I think that gay marriage is important.
I'm agreeing with Joe T., on this, except for the gay marriage part. I expect it to happen one day. I will not utter a word in protest. I just prefer that it never happens, but I will never accept the responsibility of being anybody's conscience.
All such relationships work only if BOTH partners work very hard at it.
Tell me something please. You both live and act like a married couple, so why is it that most of those I know in your position break up after registering the union? If the marriage exists in your eyes, why does registering it cause a problem? (Not judging you, just curious).
I don't think marriage is dying. However I think less people are opting for marriage and divorcing because they get more benefits being single. Look at single mothers. They get help through the government. Where as being married. They may not get the same help.
Love and wanting to be together will never go away.
We were living together for 5 years, and it hit me: If he should die, I would not get his Social Security benefits if we were not married. There is no "common law marriage" in NJ. One little paper does not change your relationship, but in the eyes of the law, it can change what you are entitled to after he dies.
The love a man has for his wife is to reflect the love of Christ for each of us.
Christ loved us enough to die for us. He loved us unconditionaly. This is an extremely hard act to follow. Marriage although government regulated is a covenant between the couple and God. We have become a culture that makes decisions based on feelings. If one or both in the marriage don't feel "in love" anymore they get a divorce. Love is not a feeling it is an action. Feeling love is an emotion. I really don't know why some people bother with the tradional vow of "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer until death do us part when they really mean til I don't feel "in love" anymore.
As for as the gay issue is concerned God did not create an instituion for gay couples. Infact he condemned those relationships. I know this is no longer a popular stand, but I believe this is exactly what the bible teaches. Chances are I will be told I am full of hate and bigotry for standing up for what I believe in.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/recession/4409405/Recession-sees-marriage-rate-rise.html
What is usually thought of as a romantic promise (or in the context of religious practices) is mostly a business deal in the eyes of government."
Heidianna "Coriander" T., Feb 2, 2009, 12:30pm EST
^ ^ what she said ^ ^
Marriage is great for those who want it. And everyone who wants it should be allowed. But there's nothing particularly sacred about a government sanctioned contract, and one doesn't need a church or that government sanctioned contract to create a family, to be committed to sticking with that family through life's ups and downs. What makes it sacred is what we carry within, and that is not given by the paper. The paper is only a symbol, with no more meaning than the parties give it.
The paper, or lack of it, really says nothing so many of us imagine it does about the commitment or character of those involved.
I love being married. To my husband that is. I don't know if I'd want another one. I doubt seriously that I would get married again if something were to happen to him. Guess you never know until you are in that situation. But I do know one thing, if there was a 'next' husband, he would have some mighty big shoes to fill. ;)
I'm not saying that is the case with your parents, Connie, but it's a fact. Personally, I'd rather have higher instances of divorce than higher instances of oppressed and secretly unhappy women (or men).
Marriage comes with a different kind of commitment for me than if he and I had chosen to live together for 30 years without getting married. I believe our union is blessed by God, and that is a high calling in my mind that we both need to do everything in our power to make it work...regardless of how many times we fall down. I have laughed more and cried more with this man than with anyone else in my life. I know that if we were not married, there have been a few times I would have walked away...but had I walked away, I would have missed out on what was left to come. We have a history together and know things about one another that nobody else knows or could even begin to understand.
We have been through so many things...infidelity, job loss, mental illness, sickness, the death of our parents, losing a child, the rape of one of or children. We have stuck together through it all...and are stronger for it.
Does he drive me nuts sometimes? Oh yes. He put a foosball table in my living room, for goodness sake...lol. But we have had the most fun with it and laugh and play with it. So who the heck cares that my living room does not look like it is out of a magazine?
He can also be sweet...leaving love notes in my Bible or in different places around the house for me to find when I least expect it. Marriage is made up of two imperfect people who vow to make a life together...complete with all that entails.
I'm not saying people who live together are not committed. I believe that they can be very committed. All I speak for is myself. There is something about the bond of marriage that glues us together in a different way... making me want to try harder than I would otherwise.
Of course those that live by the Bible pull for marriage. Even though those claiming to follow Christ make lots of mistakes and even go through periods where they run the other direction, overall, they're goal will always be trying to follow His teaching.
I really think we have become a hedonistic society. Pleasure seems to be our goal. And not the pleasure of a job well done; or serving; or working out the hard spots in marriage, but just wanting what we want when we want it. It does cripple people going into relationships because two people getting along means sacrifice.
Also, I think the sexual saturation of all entertainment media constantly gives you the feeling there is so much fun out there you are missing out on. Easy access to pornography and men expecting more from a relationship than any woman can or wants to offer also makes relationships hard today.
A relationship with Christ as the head is still very hard. A relationship without Christ as the head seems almost impossible to me. I'm really proud of the people that, with or without Him, work at your relationships and become a balanced, loving spouse in this difficult time.
A society where lawyers are allowed to rule is the problem.
I just got married... to a lawyer... and she agrees. Hehehe.
<3 Krystal