Dialogue Pitfalls

 Dialogue should do a number of things for your story.  It should help move the story forward.  It should also help define the characters, and help flesh out their relationships with each other.  It also helps to break up longer sections of narrative, as well as help transition between scenes.  Badly used dialogue can destroy an otherwise good story.

 Pitfall One:  Everyone sounds the same

We all have our own little language quirks.  These quirks define who we are and reflect our personality to others.  Some people are verbose.  Others curt.  Some curse like sailors.  Some can't pronounce the word sailors without stuttering.  Often, writers use their narrative voice when writing dialogue, so that the speakers sound like the narrator.  This creates a situation where all of the characters start to blend together. 

 How to Avoid it:  Listen to how people talk.  Not just what they say, but how they say it.  Go to places where a variety of people congregate, and listen to how different personalities convey information.  When they place emphasis in their sentences.  Where they misuse words.  When they raise or lower their voices.  Then use this when writing dialogue to help develop each character's personality.  Think of the character's personality.  What sort of words would he use?  Does he speak in rapid-fire incomplete sentences?  Is she long-winded with run-on sentences that just keep running?

  Pitfall Two:  Following the Rules of Grammar

Unless we are reading from a pre-written speech, we do not always speak in grammatically correct sentences.  If there are parentheses and colons and semi-colons appearing in your dialogue, you are doing something wrong.  Natural sounding speech doesn't reference the MLA Handbook of Style.  While this doesn't mean it is OK to write dialogue as if you are illiterate, it does mean that it's acceptable to use slang and engage in actions that would not be normally acceptable in written communication.

 How to Avoid it:  Read your dialogue out loud.  Listen for the natural breaks.  Add periods and commas accordingly.  Does the dialogue sound natural?  Can you read it out loud at a pace appropriate to the scene?  For example, if the characters are trapped in a burning building and trying to escape, are they speaking in fast, abrupt, possibly incomplete sentences or longwinded grammar-heavy soliloquies?

 Pitfall Three:  Statements of the Obvious

Sometimes, characters say things to each other in dialogue that would make no sense in a real conversation.  The characters aren't addressing each other, but rather the reader.  Often this is done to provide additional information to the reader.  Unfortunately, it comes across as unnatural.  Take this sentence from a submission I received.

 Let's have a listen, in my safe and comfortable Canadian home.

 Now maybe the reader doesn't realize that the story is set in Canada, and the writer wants to provide this information to the reader.  But the speaker is talking to a friend, and the friend would obviously already KNOW that the home was in Canada.  He probably already knows the house is comfortable as well.  This is just a silly statement that wouldn't appear in any real-world conversation.

 How to Avoid it:  Make sure when characters are talking, they are talking to each other, not the reader.  Dialogue should reflect communication between characters in the story. 

  Pitfall:  Filler Dialogue

Sometimes, in real world conversations, we say a lot of words without really saying anything important.  General pleasantries and small talk often preface the nuts and bolts of a real world conversation.  Such filler, however, bogs down a story and slows the action.  As in the case of this sample from a submission:

 "Hey," said Sarah.

"Hi," Said Jay. 

"I didn't think I would see you here."

"Oh, I come here a lot."

"Do you?"

"Yeah, at least once a week," he said.

"You must come on different days than me," said Sarah.  "I'm here a couple times a week."

"Guess we need to coordinate our schedules better," Jay joked.

"Hey, what are you guys doing?" Said Ryan as he walked over.

"Hey, Ryan," Said Jay and Sarah in unison.

"How's it going?" Ryan said.

"Good, you just get here?" Said Jay.

"Yeah, hoping to get a few games in before I go to work."

"Oh, you found a new job," Said Sarah.  "Where are you working now?"

"Over at Gorgie's Motors," said Ryan

"Maybe you can get me a deal on some tires?" said Jay.

"Hey, why don't we all bowl together?" said Sarah.

"Cool," Said Ryan.

            The trio approached the cashier to reserve a lane for bowling.  Suddenly, something came smashing through the skylight, shattering glass everywhere.

 None of the dialogue in this section serves a purpose.  It's filler and pleasantries that doesn't really move the story forward.  While it establishes that the three characters know each other beyond the bowling alley, it is much longer than it needs to be and thus outlives its usefulness. 

 How to Avoid it:  Keep dialogue to the point.  Generally, if it doesn't materially impact the story or help establish the characters, cut it out. 

So what does strong dialogue look like?  Here's a selection from   Ross Raffin's Netherlands Roulette, which we published in our Bardic Tales and Sage Advice anthology.

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 "So," Andrew said, spinning the cylinder of the revolver. "They put money on the table and put a Prussian in all of the chambers." The clicking of the whirling cylinder faded as it slowed. "They spin the gun around; whoever it lands on takes whatever is in the barrel. Just open wide and pray."

"I don't understand why they would do such a thing." Timothy said.

"Simple. No two Prussians are alike. You have approximately a one in three chance of dying if you swallow one. So you pray the chamber lands on a good pill," Andrew said.

They stood outside the forensics lab in a remodeled hospital waiting room. It took seven minutes for each sample at the crime scene to undergo Gel Electrophoresis. The revolver came through clean, no fingerprints. They were waiting for the hair.

"They go in order. First the Indian-"

"American-Aborigine." Timothy corrected.

"First the American-Aborigine, then the Hispanic-American-"

"American-Hispanic. It's best to call any U.S. citizen born in America with over two generations of family..."

Andrew zoned out. It wasn't like the old days, when words much worse than "Hispanic" or "Indian" were commonplace. Back in the days of baseball, violent movies, and un-synthetic apple pie.

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  This dialogue does three important things for the story.  First, it provides actual information that helps move the plot forward.  The information explains the previous scene, while providing a hint of where the story is going next.  Secondly, it helps provide a strong sense of place.  The America portrayed in the dialogue is a different one than the reader would know.  Finally, it helps with character development.  The dialogue not only provides the reader with a sense of the two characters, but also suggests a potential conflict between them.