At dinner with my friends Jennifer and Sarah a couple of weekends ago, a most unfortunate revelation came to light. I am curious how you would have handled the situation?
My girlfriends and I were having dinner at a local Chili’s restaurant. We were talking about life, work and upcoming events. My friend Sarah started telling us how Mary (another friend of ours who is closer to Sarah) is planning her wedding for June. We all knew she was engaged already. So it was the usual chit chat about the wedding.
Sarah then told us that while Mary's fiancé seemed to be a nice guy, something about him struck her as odd but she could not put her finger on it. They all spent the day together once at a festival and this is where Sarah felt something was strange about him. At some point in the conversation Sarah mentioned his full name, the first and last name. Up until this point we only knew him by his first name, which there are no doubt many men with that first name. But after that Jennifer said, “Excuse me, what did you say his last name was?” So Sarah said his last name again. Jennifer’s eyes opened wide as she asked, “Does he drive a black Toyota Tundra truck?” Sarah answered, “Yes he does, why? How did you know that?” with a puzzled look on her face.
I can see the whole situation going awry here, so I intervene (because I knew Jennifer was seeing a guy with the same first name also, so I put two and two together.) I jumped in and said, “Jennifer, it is probably just some strange coincidence, these names are a dime a dozen” as I look at her with the “stop this right now!” facial expression that my mother used to give us.
But Jennifer persists with her questions and asked, “Does he work at this place, is he 6 feet tall and is his family from such and such a place?” At this point my friend Sarah is looking at Jennifer with her mouth open in shock. And I am just hanging my head at the table looking into my peach tea glass. I tried to stop it but here it goes.
Again Sarah pleads, “How do you know that?” even though I can see her mind putting together all the pieces. After a little more digging and verification, Jennifer then exclaimed, “that dirty *#@&! ; I know him! I have been talking to him for 4 months!” Apparently this engaged man has his bride to be Mary and then has his “friend” on the side, Jennifer, whom he does see and spends intimate time with as well. Jennifer said she met him ONLINE and they talked for one month online and on the phone before they actually met each other.
Needless to say the whole thing blew up that night. Sarah was upset, Jennifer was upset and I was trying to act as mediator/counselor since I was the only one who could be objective or impartial. Sarah was extremely upset. I had to pry the phone out of her hands because she was ready to call Mary and tell her that her Fiancé was knocking boots with Jennifer our good friend. Talk about a small world.
It took a long time and a great deal of discussion regarding what should be done with this sordid information. But at the end of the night Sarah decided not to tell Mary, so as not to hurt her and not to interfere in her relationship with her soon to be husband. It wasn’t easy; obviously you want to tell your friend that her Fiancé is cheating on her. But when you weigh things it becomes more complicated.
The tell her option: You tell your friend that her soon to be husband is cheating. Now remember this is the person she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with. Will it only hurt her? Will it change the past? There is no way of knowing how she will react. She will either appreciate you telling her or she will be upset at you for being the one who ruined her future life. In either scenario you will always be the one who brought this to her attention and therefore she will always associate you with this unfortunate turn of events in her life. Even if she is not upset this is still a no win situation. There will always be this between you two, she may eventually feel that you are secretly judging her if she stays with him. I think she will eventually resent you for saying it and then the friendship is ruined over this man.
The don’t tell her option: You just do not tell her anything. You figure it is not your place to interfere in their relationship. You hope and pray that hopefully his pre-wedding indiscretion is not indicative of his overall character. If someone cheats pre-wedding will they do this once married? Maybe it was a last fling? Even if you did tell her, what if she doesn’t believe you and accuses you of trying to sabotage her happiness? Is it better to remain silent?
Would you tell your friend or family member, by the way your husband or Fiancé is cheating on you? Could you do it? Or is it better to stay out of it entirely?
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Comments: 29
Thank you for your thoughtful comment. It means alot to me. You know what we are going through. You make several good points. You are right. I am going to talk to them and see how Sarah should tell her.
Thanks so much I do appreciate it!
thanks for the different perspective. I didn't think about it that way. It would be weird every time afterward to see them. I appreciate your stopping by and your comment. :-)
Suppose you were Mary. You were about to be married and the man that you're head over heels in love with is cheating on you with a friend of a friend. Do you want to know? Do you want to walk down the aisle with a man that is cheating on you right from the start?
The most fun way to handle this situation is have Mary go online and pretend she's someone on the dating site that he's on and plan on hooking up, asking him all sorts of questions. It hurts, but when they meet up for their "blind date", it's easier to explain to the cops why you've just stabbed your fiance in the throat.
Hope that helps! =)
What?! Like it doesn't hurt to marry a complete and total ass? Yeah...divorce (possibly with children in the picture is SOoooo much better! Sheesh!
"She will either appreciate you telling her or she will be upset at you for being the one who ruined her future life."
Oh good God! So this is about how it affects YOU? Wow. You cannot control others. You can only control YOU. So to stand by idle while this kind of horrid mistake happens to your friend while holding the only information that is most pertinent is inexcusable. My opinion. I lose friends all the time for speaking what I believe. Done it even here on Gather. I don't mind. True friends allow you to speak your mind even if they disagree.
"There will always be this between you two, she may eventually feel that you are secretly judging her if she stays with him. I think she will eventually resent you for saying it and then the friendship is ruined over this man."
She may do anything. She should be given the chance. Do the right thing. The people you have as friends...in the end...will be friends. They'll know they can count on you.
" Even if you did tell her, what if she doesn’t believe you and accuses you of trying to sabotage her happiness? Is it better to remain silent?"
Once again...it seems the concern is on SELF...not on your friend!
Now...if my FRIEND was cheating on someone who was not my friend...then I would not approve and would say so. That's it though. I wouldn't try to hurt my friend in any way (not the way I roll) nor would I inform the cheatee...which really IS just to hurt my friend. I also raise an eyebrow every single time I hear people complain about their spouse. I've known MANY people who did that in order to either cheat on their spouse or to justify it. Many. I'm not saying there is never any merit in such things...just that I think there is a great deal more justification than justice.
Regards,
Doyle I <~~~~~
It is not about Sarah, Jennifer or me. The options I gave after the story, which were so inflammatory to you were generalizations regarding what do you do in a situation like this? The emphasis was not on me because we are not on such terms where I could approach her and tell her that. You can say what you like but it is never as simple as it seems when you are faced with such a situation.
The girl is closer to Sarah, so it is Sarah’s position (if she even has one) to tell her friend what she will.
Perhaps you have never been in this situation. Maybe you have not had the misfortune of being informed that your lover/spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend is cheating on you. I have felt that heartache and after all the pain and suffering that came from it, I wish I never found out. I could have lived with out knowing it. What good came from me knowing that sometime in the past this person cheated on me for a month or whatever? Nothing. Just undue hurt over something that is long past and can not be undone. I would have preferred not knowing. And go ahead and make your comments judging me about this too if you want. If that is your MO it will not work any hardship on me.
I do not think it is a good idea to meddle in other peoples relationships in general. Relationships are private, sacred, intricate and complex. It is a slippery slope when you open up something like this.
Thank you for your comments.
Anna del C.
Author of "The Silent Warrior Trilogy"
http://www.annadelc.com
much love!
thanks for commenting. I don't know what will happen. we are not on such terms that I could tell her something like that. Hopefully Sarah will tell her.
Enough said. The wound was an open one for many years, and not least because I've had many losses in life and she had actually appeared to be healing me of them - and actually ended up giving me a bigger one in their stead.
It wasn't just that she was unfaithful - but doing so with many. I am a man who's naturally trusting by nature, so I initially felt cruelly betrayed - nut just by her, but even more so by the acquaintance who wised me up to her games much , much later.
I do not hold it against him, though - I'm not made that way, and hate to hold grudges of any sort. Yet I always feel that had be been more forthcoming, even in an indirect, subtle way, he would have saved me from much heartache.
Only finding a nobler, higher love can erase such pain - and I'm very fortunate to have found that recently , right here on Gather, with my beloved Julioshka. And don't worry, reading your post hasn't opened any of the old wounds - my Julia's love is transcendental, as I'm sure you have yourself felt if you've been reading any of her recent posts, or have read mine! :)
If *you* can't tell Mary , find someone else - a wise, loving, and sensitive soul whom Mary trusts to the hilt - who can do that for you. If you don't, then you'll be killing a part of her spirit/soul when she does find out - could you live with that knowledge, my friend?
My friend Anthony - the one who was scared of "being shot as the bad-news messenger" (as I term it) - certainly agonises to this date, and ***it makes him wary and inhibited in his own relationships**. Even when he sees me this happy.
Hope I've helped you in some small way in resolving what is truly a very cruel and painful dilemma.
(((((((((((((((((((Amada)))))))))))))))))))))))
Thank you for your comments and for your honesty.
I am glad you have healed and have found such a wonderful relationship again.
Blessings friend, Amada
In this case, even if it destroys your relationship with Mary, she really needs to know. This could literally be life threatening for her. Give her the information when she is alone and not needing to see anyone for a while, like early tomorrow morning. That will give her time to get over the shock. Don't say anything at all about who the other woman is. Don't tell her what to do. Just given her the basic information that you know for certain. If she wants your shoulder to cry on, give it. If she gets angry at you (very likely) don't say anything to defend yourself. If you are her real friend, you will make this sacrifice for her. If you are only using her to make yourself feel better...
Personally, I would set up a meeting with Mary, Jennifer and the asswipe. Have Jennifer invite Mary and her fiance to dinner or lunch. Eye to eye with asswipe... with a look in her eyes like, you tell her, or I will.
Having a get together where the jerk and Jennifer have to meet face to face was actually one of the ideas we mulled over that night. I can't remember why Sarah and Jennifer decided against it at the last minute.
I hope Sarah will tell her soon.
What a pickle to be in!
I think, and I could be wrong here, that the friend on the computer should bring up the knowledge of the soon to be wedding that way, to him.
Let this all be on his shoulders.
If he is any kind of man, using that word lightly, he will start stressing. Not being able to sleep, personality changes etc..
This will send up big red flags to the soon to be wife. Letting you and the other girls off the hook. This is his mess, let him clean it up......
Though if the wedding day gets close I would set him up. Hard proof! Then show the wife, only as last resort....
Dang I feel for your friend......
That is some of the best advice I have heard so far.
wishing you laughter
I have to agree with Vic up above. Tell her. There is too much at stake.