no one but me to blame

Before I share these lyrics, I have to confess that I was inspired to write these after watching Kris Kristofferson on the Sundance Channel show, Spectacle with Elvis Costello.  He sang one of his songs, and this is pretty much another "answer song" in response to what I heard.  While I can't remember the name of that song, it had to do with a cashier at a truck stop and haggling over the price of penny candy.

Sometimes, it's surprising where and when inspiration strikes.  I'll still have to come up with a parallel tune that doesn't quite imitate the inspiration, but for now the lyrics stand as poetry.  It's mostly based on my own life but with a bit of fiction thrown in, and all the places I've written about are places where I've been at certain times in my life.  But this isn't strictly autobiographical as I won't be returning to Texas anytime soon.  Still, it was challenging to write and I hope I depicted the life of an authentic person.

"no one but me to blame"

I once was a waitress in Dallas
that job nearly drove me insane
then I fell in love and was careless
but I had no one but me to blame
I left with a heart that was heavy
I left with a son on the way
so I packed up my things in my Chevy
and set out for that town by the bay

I had dreams of being a dancer
in a town that would make me a name
but my soul was consumed by a cancer
and I had no one but me to blame
they took my son from me out of fear
that he'd soon become a casualty
there was no friend to whom I was so dear
losing both my child and sanity

I went through all my hopeless endeavors
my mind went from the quick to the lame
and my life it was tossed in the embers
still I had no one but me to blame
halfway through life I was in a daydream
not mature enough to admit fault
so I burned all my bridges in midstream
I lost all my rights judged by default

I was starting from right at the bottom
not at all sure how to play this game
living with refugees from Vietnam
knowing well no one but me's to blame
so I ended up almost a recluse
with a chemical lobotomy
it was all in the path that I did choose
yet I hoped one day that I'd be free

now I sit on a barstool in Barstow
on my way to my family again
and I'm self-medicating on Cointreau
knowing I've no one but me to blame
oh how quickly I've hit that rock bottom
never learning from all my mistakes
merging with all the Flotsam and Jetsam
formed in people when their honor breaks

though my story is still far from ending
I'll still be trapped with all of my shame
knowing that all my bridges need mending
when I have no one but me to blame

©2009 Cynthia Bage