Ok, I just wrote this, and it comes completely from my heart. I hope noone judges me, as I'm doing enough of that myself right now, but I just had to get this out.
How can I really be sitting here crying, at five in the morning, after being up all night? Crying over him? He's been gone a week, and it's been a good week. I've had more fun with the kids than I've had in the three years that I was with him. The house has been so calm, and relaxing... besides being on edge, wondering when he's going to try to kick in the door or break through a window, and besides looking over my shoulder every time I walk out the door.
This is the man who has beat me down emotionally, to the point where I, literally, felt I could not stand on my own, nearly every day for three years. This is the man who would not allow me any friends, because I may have some emotional support, whereas he wasn't willing to offer it. If a male telemarketer called me, he would freak, cussing me, calling me a whore... if he saw spam in my email box, he just "knew" I was signing up for all the porn sites... like I would have time, or a chance, if I had wanted to, with him over my shoulder twenty-four hours a day. This is the man whose anger would so overwhelm him, he would try to wreck the car with me in it.
This is the man that I loved. This is the man who would look in my eyes and tell me no matter what, I was beautiful and special to him. This is the man who would cry, while expressing how deeply he loved me. This is the man who held my hand when I went through my frightening medical conditions, and cried with worry.
He had been through so much in his life. His mother is a drunk, who, literally, hates him. His father died of a heroin overdose when he was nineteen years old. His kids were taken by the state, when his ex wouldn't quit drinking while she was pregnant with his youngest daughters. He has so much pain, bottled deep inside, and I so wanted to take that pain away... that's why I stayed. That's why I stayed through having a bottle of change busted over my head. That's why I stayed through the various "accidents", where I was physically injured. That's why I stayed when he would call me a liar after he hit me... I still don't know if he just didn't want to admit it, or if he blacked out in his anger... I just wanted to help him get better.
I still do...
But, I don't want him to come back. I'm so torn, because I miss him so much, but I know that I will never be happy in a relationship where I am being constantly abused and broken down. I'm still afraid he's going to get high, while he's out there with his friends, and actually come back and kill me...
How??? How can we love someone like that? I know that I am not alone... the papers are full of stories of abused women, staying, until it is too late... People shake their heads, and say, "They're so dumb"... I used to be one of those people... I had no clue. I still have no clue.
James, wherever you are, I pray that you are ok, and that you will eventually get the help you need. Somehow, I have to move on. It is looking as if I am going to move to California, to be with my Dad and family out there. I need a new start. I just pray I can finally let go...
rate
email
print
link to this page
Comments: 25
You must go and go now before it is too late. You will never be able to save this man, you will never be able to change him, nor stop him from abusing you further. Ever. Get that nonsense out of your head. I know that these comments stab at you like a knife as they well should but you need to hear them lest you feel sorry for James and decide to give him that "one more chance because even dogs that bite you deserve a second chance." Yea right.
I did and look what it got me. More bruises, hospital visits, fists in the kidneys, too many sleepless nights than I can count wondering where he was when I was confined to the house because of his insane and mad jealousy.
Please go. I wish you all of the luck, prayers and good will that I could ever give anyone.
God bless you and your children.
But... as an almost universal rule, abusive relationships don't change for the better, and having young children exposed to that environment extends damage far into the future. All of the examples; beating down emotionally, not allowing any friends etc. are all controlling behaviors meant to keep max control by keeping you small - very small.
Although it's presumptuous for a stranger like me to suggest, and certainly I don't know all there is to know about those involved but; here it is... there is way too much at stake here for you to let forgiveness trump (his) responsibility. Sure, you can understand what made him the way he is, and forgive him... but you need to do it at a distance. You have to place the value of yourself and your child on a higher level than his need to control.
Who am I to judge you when I put up with such treatment myself for a time.
You have baby (s) who need you! They are number one.
Protect yourself and the babies first. He is a big boy, no excuse for what he has done. You are everything to those children and like a tree in a storm, stand firm.
I wish all the best for you and your children!
Spicecomments.com - Glitters Comments
Again, thank you all so much, I started crying as soon as I read Esther's reply, and cried all the way through, but with gratefulness.
What concerns me is that when I was in a women's abuse shelter in Michigan, I discovered that many states now have laws that say if a woman allows her children to stay in an abusive situation - even if they were never abused themselves - they can be taken away. I don't know which states - besides Michigan - do that now, but we were told that at least 10 do.
I suppose that makes sense. Children who are exposed to abuse may become abusers themselves. Or they may find themselves in relationships where they're trying to fix or cure another abuser.
My favorite definition of love comes from the Bible. 1 Cor 13:4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
When love is rude or easily angered, it cannot be love.
We're here for you. There are many of us who have been through abusive relationships and lived - to not only survive but to find real happiness and love.
My first husband (james) was extremely neglectful, kind of like he wanted a roomate and there was not much else there... totally crushing to be emotionally connected to someone like that. My second husband (john) allowed no friends and was so insecure he would read my email and check my cell phone calls online to see what I had been doing... ugh. He was the one who did not allow friends or family around.
I wish nothing but the best for you and really want you to find happiness, and some friends who are outside of the box. Trust me, it feels like so much more then just meeting someone, a true accomplishment.
it's hard to say who or how much we love someone.
it happens when it happens
it is hard, it might never get better, it might never hurt less but it will get easier