WHAT HOLLYWOOD TAUGHT US IN '08

OK, I am running a tad behind schedule. This was supposed to be posted two weeks ago, but as my dear old mother was wont to say, 'better later than never.'

How many of us have spent time in a darkened theater and absorbed the lessons the screen taught us. We learned we could be suave by watching Fred Astaire or Cary Grant. We could be cool just seeing how Clint Eastwood or Marlon Brando did something. We could be witty by remembering lines from a movie. Yes, movies teach us. With that in mind, looking back to 2008’s movies is an experience not unlike a graduate course in quantum physics. OK, I am exaggerating, but 2008 was a year in which film taught us some strange lessons.  Let’s review that strangeness.

In 2008,  films taught us that......

Sabertooth tigers are really pussycats. (10,000 B.C.) And Androcles learned his trick by watching a poorly constructed, cliched ridden, special effects driven bore.

Oh, 10,000 BC also taught us that the modern day chicken is descended from a nasty, meat eating fowl.

We learned that, despite jumping up and down on a couch, Tom Cruise can act. (Tropic Thunder)

There is nothing funny about unfunny comedies. (Superhero Movie, Disaster Movie) You have to wonder how these films get financed let alone made. Who reads these scripts? Obviously people with impaired understanding of words.

In case of a nuclear blast we learned, hiding in a refrigerator will save you. (Indiana Jones 4) But weren’t we taught not to get into one of these things? Wasn’t it understood that once in one, you can’t get out? Obviously we were all misinformed because if Indy can do it, so can we.

Genre films offered up some insights. For example, American horror films need new blood. (The Happening, Saw V) These films are anemic and in need of a major transfusion.

Sadly we learned, actor Shia Le Bouef is doomed to be the average guy who gets into above average predicaments. (Indiana Jones 4, Eagle Eye) This trend will continue with Transformers 2.

The next time you see someone licking their lips a lot, remember what the Dark Knight taught us, really sick psychos have oral fixations.

In redefining their roles as children of the night,  vampires enjoy Xtreme Baseball. (Twilight) I wonder when it will be on ESPN?

Also vampires have a thing for cute, but bland, boring virgins. (Twilight)

In case we forgot the summer lesson, this winter we again learned, Tom Cruise can act. (Valkyrie)

Most guys won’t admit this in polite company, but they have all visited a strip club. Now we know something vital. There is no difference between real strippers and zombie strippers. (Zombie Strippers) They are both unemotional practitioners of the bump and grind.

Poop jokes still define the modern, illiterate comedy. (Space Chimps, Zack & Miri, ad nausem)

We also learned that despite our modern sensibilities, physical deformities can ruin a perfectly good date. (Penelope, Teeth)

It looks like females are the dominant sex. This year we found that distaff robots are more powerful than trash compactors. (Wall-E)

Hollywood learned a lesson and went green this year. Producers decided it is not nice to fool with Mother Nature. (Wall-E, Day the Earth Stood Still, The Happening) She bites back.

As Hollywood’s stars are aging and having families, they have discovered the need to make films they can take their children to. Unfortunately, they may be good actors, but not so good filmmakers. That can only be the explanation for such dogs as Bedtime Stories & City of Ember.

There are probably more lessons or insights to be learned from last year’s films, but the main one is simple. Hollywood makes a lot of dogs. (Marley & Me, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Bolt)

Next week, read an interview with Darren Aronovsky on his latest award winning movie, The Wrestler.

Garen Daly has been sitting in the dark for more years than he cares to admit. He has been a film exhibitor, booking consultant and reviewer. You have seen him on NE Cable or some other Boston station.  More likely you heard him pontificating about films on FrugalYankee.com, BostonSci-Fi.com, NPR, New Hampshire Public Radio, WTKK, WRKO or any number of other stations he's been on, but one thing is certain, he loves, and knows, film.