I can't help it.
My eyes sweep around the conference room, taking in engineers, technicians, and secretaries who sit at their tables and sip coffee, pretending to pay attention to the speaker. The topic on "Image Quality Trends in the Printing Industry" is interesting-to me, at least-but my mind won't stay focused.
About fifty people are scattered in rows, facing forward toward the projection screen. Folks I've known and worked with for almost three decades.
I can't stop the tide of questions that buzz my brain like a swarm of angry mud hornets.
Which of us will be gone in two weeks? To whom will I have to say goodbye? Maybe all of them, if I'm affected. Will they stare at me with expressions of sympathy when I burst out of the boss's office with a big thick "involuntary termination" package?
How will I react if I'm cut?
Will I hold it in and smile and try to make my boss feel better? I know it has to be hell for him. He's the epitome of a good family man and great leader. This whole thing is killing him; you can see the pain in his eyes each time he speaks to us.
Or will I choke up and flee? God, I hope not. I pray I'm more of a man than that.
No matter what happens, it won't be easy. We've suffered nineteen layoffs in the past twenty-seven years. I've sat at my desk, waiting for the axe to drop, waiting to find out which friends won't be coming back, or if it will be me this time. Good friends. Real friends. Guys whose hands I've squeezed at their children's funerals. Men whose wives had died of cancer. Babies have been born whose lives I've followed. Kids. Grandkids. Friends who'd had heart attacks and with whom I'd become exercise buddies to keep them safe. I even played matchmaker for the first and only time in my life to connect two wonderful folks who'd lost their spouses. And it worked. And they're happy and together now. And then there are the pals who shared my love of writing. No more writing lunches with them, where we share our latest work or talk about writing skills or themes or characters.
Gone. Vanished. Poof.
I know they aren't really gone. We can still see each other outside of work. We email. We try to stay in touch. But it's hard. And often they need to move out of state for work.
I meet the eyes of someone across the room with the same thoughts dark in their eyes.
Will it be me this time?
I sip the last of my Tazo mint tea, hoping for one more swallow to ease the tightness in my throat. There's only a drop left.
Will I survive? Will we lose our home, the place we'd settled and raised our kids and grandsons for over 23 years? And what about our expensive prescriptions? How will we afford them? Maybe we'll end up moving in with my daughter. Squeezing all of our lives into one teensy tiny room.
I think about that for a while. It might not be so bad.
Spurts of nervous adrenaline course through me. I cast my eyes around the group again, counting by threes. Rumors of thirty percent cuts have been spreading, and the boss said he thought the rumors were pretty close. One two three. Cut. One two three. Cut. One two three. Me.
Discarded. Tossed to the wind, as if I hadn't killed myself for this job. This job I've really loved for twenty-seven long years. This job that's paid the bills, kept us warm, put a roof over our heads, and put my kids through college. When the grandkids needed extra winter boots and leggings, I could always squeeze just a little more out to provide for them. When my wife fell and broke numerous bones, I've been able to help her get healed. We could afford the health care, barely. Even though the cost was shared by my employer, but it was cheap compared to most plans.
Another thought lurches through me.
Health care. Oh, God. What if I don't find another job right away? There's no way we could afford it if I don't.
The newscasts are full of sad stories about people who can't find work. "There are no jobs," is repeated again and again in the hallways. The thoughts race through my mind, and I try to take a deep breath.
A voice inside me makes me take notice.
Stop it. Just stop it! You're doing what you tell everyone NOT to do. Focus on what you have and stop panicking about something you don't even know is going to happen, for God's sake!
I force myself to relax and start taking my own advice.
I have a wife and family I adore, who love me back.
I'm able to stand and walk. I can breathe. I can think, love, cook, write, stand in the sun in my garden.
I'm not undergoing cancer treatments.
And I've been told that God doesn't throw more at us than we can handle.
After the meeting, I counsel a friend who slumped even deeper than me. I repeat all that the voice inside told me. Always the positive guy. Always the helper. Always looking at the glass half full. That's me.
Right?
I speak softly to my friend. "When the Lord closes a door, he opens a window. There are untold possibilities out there, opportunities you've never imagined. Just waiting for you. It could be wonderful!"
Now I just have to start believing it. There is life after Kodak, so I'm told. Maybe I'm about to find out.
***
Aaron Paul Lazar writes to soothe his soul. The author of LeGarde Mysteries and Moore Mysteries enjoys the Genesee Valley countryside in upstate New York, where his characters embrace life, play with their dogs and grandkids, grow sumptuous gardens, and chase bad guys. Visit his websites at www.legardemysteries.com and www.mooremysteries.com and watch for his upcoming release, MAZURKA, coming in 2009.
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Comments: 61
No. I think this might just be exactly what we need to hear right now and for some time. It's hard to see the lay-offs and wonder (not if), but when you'll be next. When you'll have to either undersell your home or lose it (we've undersold two) and this is going back a ways, even more than the last 8 years.
It's hard to keep your head up when you're wondering if you'll be living in your car (that came really close too).
Health insurance? I've been without that for so long, I doubt I'd know what to do with it if I had it! Prescriptions? They're the second thing that comes out of my husband's monthly disability check, right after our rent for the two rooms we've been living in for about three years.
Is it hard? Of course! Is it doable? Yes. Will we all make it? I sure hope so.
I remember back when our son's previous company was calling people into the office and handing them lay-off slips one by one and they had to pass right by his desk. He ended up out in the parking garage, calling us and saying that he didn't think he could stand to watch it - that he just wished they'd do him next and get it over with (the company is now out of business), but what really bothered him the most, was that he's single and the ones that were getting laid off first, had families. It hurt, and probably still does.
It's OK to hurt.
Please write more on this.
Marilyn (thank-you)
It's difficult to face the fact that we are not always in charge. I'm betting that whatever happens, you and your family are going to be all right. I know bad things happen to good people, but I also know that good things happen to good people. Keep writing your thoughts down, not just for your audience, but for your own sake.
Best to you.
Marie Pinschmidt
Thanks, Marie. I'm grateful for your insight and encouragement. ;o)
Marie Pinschmidt
My best advice is to take a deep breath, let it out, and keep your focus on things you can control.
Writing is a good therapy for so many things- this included.
Nancy, I know you've been through this and I almost didn't want you to read it because it feels like whining, and that's against my grain. How dare I complain about a possibility when so many people have been through it and suffered deeply? But the feelings were from the heart, so I had to let them out. Thanks for your support, my friend.
I just want you to believe that no matter what happens, you will be okay, because you will.
I so hope that you are not among the cuts, Aaron. And I loved reading the teeter-totter thoughts of that amazing mind of yours as you try to find a balance in these scary times. All that you have against all that may be. Shine on, dear friend. may we all have your strength and balance of thought.
For the first time in a long time, for a larger portion of the population, getting a replacement job with basic benefits, is not a sure deal. Financial planning/rainy day funds are looking pretty dry.
We'll get through, but those stories from grand-, and great-grand parents about how they kept themselves and their families fed during the depression, or during the war, seem less like a distant and amusing tale and more like a tough reality.
Aaron, we look around and can't help but be concerned. It's natural. So is the panic that crawls through our veins, accelerating our heart, hitching our breath, and waking us up at night. If it happens, what can we do? Ifs can drive us nuts and make us sick. When something isn't in your hands to decide yay or nay, it's even worse.
While you have to take stock of what you have and what you can modify in case the worse happens, you have to also focus on what you do have. Not let the nebulous what ifs rob you of clear thinking and taking joy in what you do have. Your blessings. A determined person will find the way because they're looking for the solutions. Fact is, you have the skills to build and endure. You've already proven that. And we all do if we but look at it that way. What has been built can again be built. What we think we need, if we're realistic, we don't. Perspective.
I can so relate to what you're saying... I worked for a decade and a half for a large, hi-tech optics manufacturer (yes... we did lots of business with Kodak! Mostly fresnel lenses, color separation filters and hot/cold mirrors at that time). Worked my way up -- kicking and biting and going head-to-head with MIT grads and "good ole boy" male sales engineers who had been in hi-tech sales/marketing for DECADES (I didn't even have an "AA" at the time) in competition for promotions and raises. Rose up thru the ranks: Entry level secretary to senior secretary to administrative secretary to junior sales administrator to senior sales administrator.
Then came the "recession" of the early '80s and my job was eliminated... I had TONS of credit debt, my daughter in braces and NO JOB, NO health insurance -- NUTHIN'.
Since my former employer was so specialized (and the largest manufacturer of its products in the WORLD), it was impossible to find work in the same industry... Sure, sales and marketing skills I could transfer to another product line but there WERE no jobs where I lived and I had to stay there because I'm the only child (the only FAMILY at ALL) of my aged mother and SUMBUDDY had to take care of her! There WAS nobody else.
After a while, I couldn't make any of the payments I'd been making on my bills, couldn't afford the rent of the house we were living in, had my phone cut off, was sued by all my creditors... It was a NIGHTMARE that I thought I'd never live through.
But I did.
In desperation, I finally went to work for MINIMUM WAGE doing nursery work (hard, grueling, physical work), was sued by all my creditors (still can't get credit anywhere), went without things like car insurance, health care, dental care for years until Hubby finally got VA & SSD payments coming in regularly.
But I SURVIVED. And, if it happens to you, you will, too, Aaron. You'll learn how to "deal" and survive because that's all you CAN do.
There are many going through this "test of nerves and willpower" right now. That is a bond that has it's blessings. Not too many are alone. While it is not the best of situations to share, it is one that if people keep connected, can help one another in an entirely different way than most are used to. Be you Aaron, and everything will be fine.
Don't just WRITE the WIND, you do that so well, BE THE WIND for awhile.... imagine what you can wrap yourself around, and the new adventures you will have. I hope to feel you pass through my state as you journey. Then I want to read it... Ellen B
In the late 80's I was downsized along with about 1/3 of the company's employees. These layoffs have nothing to do with job performance. They're about cutting costs. My entire department's work was relocated to California.
The hidden blessing in this layoff was that I was six months pregnant and was able to rest more at home. I was able to be home with my baby and we worked out a budget to keep it that way. We've never regretted it. Those dark clouds really do have silver linings.
I've worked at the same job for eight years. And, it does worry me sometimes when the economy goes bad.
But, then I think about what happened today when I wished to go on break. No one wanted to do my job. They were arguing about who could handle it. It's just making omelets and eggs for crying out loud.
But, there they were, a manager and server trying to figure it out.
It made me laugh just watching them.
I rather think that my job is rather secure for the time being.
But, it still could happen, you never know.
Just hope for today and let tomorrow work itself out.
That's my motto. Now, at least.
I hope it works out for you and everybody living under the stress of having a job you might lose.
Over here in the UK, most businesses are having to cut staff and some companies are dropping like flies; places like Woolworths (like your own Walmart) going back years and whose beginnings were a simple shop selling everything for an old sixpence, that era has changed.
But when we pull back from our own complacancies of the past, our almost taking for granted that these places will be there forever, we step back to reality. Yes, it's going to get harder, but the real challenge is not to get into the mental swamp of depression, to maintain some sort of hope, to accept change, to embrace it as a challenge. I heard a phrase some time back, that no matter what obstacles we meet, we are equipped to deal with them.
Great to see you're still tapping the keys, still producing the stream of good words as encouragement to all, yeah, even this one above. Writing is the only awful addiction which is not bad for your health!
Over here, we're recently lost writer, John Mortimer, who felt that a day without writing something was a wasted day. A great writer of many things as well as the Rumpole series.
Good luck for 2009!
Peace
Jeni - Thanks for taking the time to comment. Your point is well taken. And I smiled at your request to co-author a book. How sweet of you to ask! Unfortunately, my darned brain won't stop long enough to take on another project, I have so many books screaming to get out I just can't stop...But let us know about your current WIP and literary dreams! I love hearing from authors.
Kimberly, you are a sweetheart. Thanks for your confidence. And you're right - the biggest fear is for my wife's wellbeing and meds. It would take about six months to get her on SSI, but after that she'd be covered, at least. I think my daughter can get coverage through her college, so we might be able to swing that if she can stay in school. And then there's the future writing projects... I'm looking into doing online writing classes. Think anyone would sign up for them?
JR, you are so sweet. Thanks for your comments. I do hope there will be some way to use writing to survive - but the sad fact is that even moderately successful writers actually make pretty paltry incomes compared to most jobs. Did you know that we only make a buck or two on each book sale? That means you need to sell tens of thousands to bring in enough to live on, and there's no guarantee about timing, either. But all will be well. I'm thinking about doing writing classes or workshops. We shall see! Thank you!
Jerome! So nice to hear from you, and thanks for your words of wisdom. So sad about Woolworth's - I remember that store from my childhood. The best five and dime around!
Well your piece is so uplifting than to cut your sorry limits !!
I still get the glimpse of that hope sustains a perfect
writer like you over the wearing years !!!
Thanks, Dano
Only advice I can give right now is best effective way to have more readers/viewers is when you send out a mailing about your piece, please have a clickable link. It makes things easier. Sorry, just trying to be helpful. :o)