Stretch Mark Stresses and Stipulations

How could they be best described? Perhaps like a cross between a chicken and a human being-that is the most accurate description of skin that has suffered the wrath of significant weight loss and gain, or childbearing. What once held up firm with elasticity has stretched beyond advisable proportions and now has the tightness of pantyhose on their seventh straight day of wear. Skin that was previously taut and gleaming is now wiggly flesh riddled with purplish scars-otherwise known as-stretch marks.

Old wives tales tell numerous stories of lathering cocoa butter, massaging margarine (yuck!), and smearing olive oil onto the skin to ward off the impervious marks. However, these are simply stories, and do very little in fact to prevent the unsightly scars.

Once stretch marks occur, there is almost nothing that can be done to remove them. They do, in time, fade from the typical dark purple to a far more mellow shade of pink, but alas this descriptive branding of time will never go away completely-unless of course one opts for the very expensive, often painful, and somewhat time-consuming concept of cosmetic surgery.

Not an option? Good. The next best thing to perfecting one's skin via cosmetic surgery, is to learn to live with your body as it is. The old philosophy about not judging a book by its cover applies here. Charity begins at home. Love yourself more than your neighbor-or something like that. As your own worst critic, you must develop a new strategy of looking at yourself, and imagine those stretch marks in an entirely new light.

Should you, in your years of planning your life's ambitions, have chosen to be a fighter pilot during the Korean War, or perhaps in the Persian Gulf, depending on your age, of course, you would have undoubtedly been placed in situations of grave danger. You would have been responsible for your own life, and possibly even the lives of other crew members. It is possible you'd have risked your life, and had you actually come away seriously wounded, you would have received a Purple Heart medal for bravery. This would have signified the fact that you were wounded while taking part in valiant efforts to protect your own country and those to whom you were called to aid.

In a like manner, you must learn to observe your body as a fighter-a worthy contender in the game of life. Women, many of you have endured the nine-month sentence of carrying a child, the excruciating pain of childbirth, and the subsequent years of raising said child. You undoubtedly endured a great deal of body transformation during that period of your life. In addition to the immediate physical changes were the results of the more subtle ones. For example, when did you ever get a decent night's sleep? And once the little darlings grew up to be teenagers, what little sleep you were finally able to achieve flew right out the window on the day they got their first drivers license!

And for the gentlemen sporting the purple marks, it is obvious that at least one time in your life you took responsibility for your own health, and you opted to forgo that daily twelve pack of Bud for a time span of three entire weeks. The weight loss was significant. It was absolutely amazing the strides your body made during that time frame. Sadly, as soon as you resumed your habit of consuming, the weight slowly crept back on. And those dastardly stretch marks stayed there just the same!

It's time to bestow the same honor on these stretch marks that one would naturally bestow upon the fighter pilot receiving the Purple Heart. These are your battle wounds! They are evidence of a life that was lived, and not merely one in which your body was a bystander. As a mother, a responsible adult, a dieter in the throes of chocolate withdrawal, you obviously survived the ordeal. And if you came out whole save for the purple wiggly flesh-well then, you didn't do so badly at all.

In fact you should display these stretch marks proudly. They are the symbol of bravery in the face of childbirth and dieting, surviving major illness, or simply enjoying far too much Ben and Jerry's Phish Food. They are a part of who you are, and only the elite and the financially endowed can fathom that visit to the cosmetic surgeon.

Naturally should you be among this privileged group, and choose to take part in this elective surgery, more power to you. But who in their right mind would voluntarily withstand that kind of pain and recuperation period simply to delete scars that nobody sees too much of anyway? Why not simply dress appropriately and hide the foolish things? Or perhaps there is a pot of make-up with the consistency of putty that helps to camouflage them. Why not at least give that a try?

There are, in fact, several particularly creative uses for stretch marks.

1.      Should you find yourself in a sheer state of boredom, you can borrow a matchbox car and pretend the marks are a road map.

2.      You could enjoy a nap while your child or spouse takes part in the same...using the cuddly flesh as a soft pillow.

3.      Depending on the fat content, enhance the lines of the stretch marks with bright colored magic markers, and perform psychodelic belly dances for old hippies from the seventies.

4.      Don't buy one of those squishy little stress balls. Instead muckle onto a hunk of stretch marked flesh and squeeeeeeeeeze!

5.      Concoct a wild tale about a jungle adventure and the time you contracted Purplepuckeritis and how you were oh, so lucky to survive.

6.      Devise a scenario whereby you were the major player in a rare scientific experiment to assist medical advancement. Obviously it failed.

The possibilities are limitless. The squiggly purple patches of skin can actually become some of your greatest assets. Although most states have permanently banned the performances of side shows at carnivals and fairs, you could in fact garner a decent income based on the above observations and a peek at the scars. Look out, Bearded Lady, the Stretch Mark Mamas are out to steal the show!