Will Congress Bailout the Giant? (Humor)

A country knows it is in deep doodoo when one of its iconic institutions shows signs of terminal failure. When that institution is a corporation, the country knows the doodoo is economic in nature.

The latest flotsam to wash up on the shores of the 2007-? recession is Giant Inc., a century-old manufacturer of 3-foot action figures. Generations of Americans grew up playing with Giant toys that parents bought hoping to replace their children’s imaginary friends. As national icons go, Giant is as American as Mom, apple pie and MTV.

During WWII, Giant Inc. converted its factories to produce the 6-foot action figures that were planted across the Allies front lines in the European theater, a move intended to scare the Germans into thinking our forces were much larger than they actually were. Germans later said they weren’t scared but they sure wasted a lot of ammunition blowing up the action figures and, while their attention was diverted, enterprising GIs helped themselves to some of the finest wine cellars in la belle France.

There has long been a saying among serious economists (there are no playful economists): “As goes Giant, so goes the country.” If that old saw is true, then the country is going down the toilet on speed-flush.

Recently, the CEO of Giant Inc., Walter Ascot, or, as his employees are encouraged to call him, Sir Walter, appeared before the Senate select committee, What’s Happening Now?

SENATOR: Mr. Ascot, not to put too fine a point on it but according to our figures the Japanese have been eating your lunch ever since they launched the popular 3-inch action figure series 10 years ago. What do you have to say about that?

CEO ASCOT: I say “Big. And you can call me Sir.”

SENATOR: Big? That’s all?

CEO ASCOT: Big is all, Senator. Big is what America stands for: big country, big sky, big cars, big profits, bigwigs, big malls, Big Macs, big waists, big screen TVs and big wars. Big is an American tradition and the bigger the better. America wants big action figures and Giant Inc. is in the business of giving Americans what they want.

SENATOR: Maybe that was true when you and I were growing up, Mr. Ascot. But today, the buzzword is small. Small computers, small meals, small cars, and small action figures. A kid can carry a whole battalion of those Japanese toys in his pocket and reenact the entire Civil War if he carries a backpack.

CEO ASCOT: I beg to differ, Senator. Small is simply un-American. The toys you refer to are the product of a small nation of small people thinking, if I may say, small thoughts. I believe that small action figures are being imported into this country as part of a plot to undermine American self-esteem, starting with our children.

SENATOR: And what do you want from us.

CEO ASCOT: A few billion dollars should tide us over this “rough patch.” We want congress to continue the American tradition of bailing out Big Business when it has, uh, temporary setbacks. That and legislation to ban imports of small action figures.

SENATOR: And we should do this because?

CEO ASCOT: Do it to protect the American economy as well as American self-esteem. Besides the 500,000 employees of Giant Inc. who will be walking bread lines if you don’t help out, there are three times that many working for our suppliers who will also be pushed out of business. Do it for all the men who machine the automatic weapons for our soldier series, the thousands of women who sew GI Joe uniforms and the hordes of big teamsters who deliver our big packages. Do it, Senator, for the millions of children who will be disappointed if Santa doesn’t leave a Giant under their tree this year.

SENATOR: Sir, you are asking us to use our grandchildren’s money to save you when what they want are Japanese action figures, not massive debt.

CEO ASCOT: OK, then do it to save the millions of our dollars that flow into your campaign coffers.

SENATOR: ladies and gentlemen, this hearing will be continued in closed session. Sir Ascot, you may stay.
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