Resurrection Sunday: The Frog Fables, 3 Fables Inspired by James Thurber's Fables for Our Time

I posted these stories in 2007 as three separate articles.  I've always wanted to put them together in one place, so here they are.

The Frog and the Kitten

There was once a lonely frog.  Unlike most of his species he had a strong desire for social interaction.  The other males either ignored him or were hostile, depending on the time of year.  His relationships with females were brief and devoid of the emotional intimacy that he craved.

One day he was sitting on the bank of his pond and came across a copy of "Cat Fancy."  Out of boredom he opened it and began reading.  He wasn't familiar with cats and had no idea that there were so many breeds.  One of the articles was about the emotional satisfaction humans got from kittens.  Frog vision being what it is, he didn't get a good idea of the scale from the pictures of humans with kittens and cats in their laps.

He decided that a kitten might be just the thing to fill the void in his life.  He also suspected that they were warm blooded and might be a good thing to have around in cooler weather when he became lethargic. In the back of the magazine there was a list of no-kill shelters. He found one near his pond.  He decided to get himself a kitten.

He spent a week studying books on cat care.  He learned all about litter boxes, feline vaccinations, grooming, and a host of other things necessary to make a kitten happy.

When he decided he was ready, he hopped down to the shelter and talked to the woman at the front desk.  She was a little uneasy about a frog becoming a kitten parent but he soon convinced her  that he had studied kittens very carefully and knew everything about taking care of one.  He also promised to make a sizeable donation toward the purchase of the new building they so desperately needed.  The woman relented and took him to see the kittens.

He found a grey tabby that seemed perfect.  She purred loudly when he petted her and happily sat in his lap.  Admittedly there was a bit of kitten overflow but the frog was able to breathe.  The warmth of the kitten was very invigorating.

He named the kitten Sascha.  It just sounded right to him.  He and Sascha had great times together.  He taught her to hunt bugs and minnows.  They would play hide and seek in the weeds near the pond.  Of course, Sascha grew.  After six months she towered over him and weighed nearly eight pounds.  He was a robust bullfrog but he was no longer a match for her in their wrestling matches.

One day they went to the weeds to play hide and seek.  He found a very clever hiding place under some broad leaves.  All of a sudden he felt a sharp blow.  Sascha had pounced on him.  He tried to tell her that she was being too rough.  It was too late.  His neck snapped and his body wriggled in a last involuntary spasm.  Sascha cast him aside.  She lost interest because he'd stopped moving.

Moral of the story:  Anyone who believes that  there are rewards in life or that it has a purpose is mistaken.

A Kitten and Its Frog

There once was a kitten that lived in an animal shelter.  She wasn't sure how she got there.  She knew that she'd had some memory lapses.  The humans treated her well enough.  She always had enough to eat and clean litter.  She didn't like the cage; it was too small.  Her cagemate, a black and white boy about her age was disgusting.  He called her names and tried to steal her food.  He sniffed her inappropriately.

One day one of the humans brought a frog into the room where the kitten's cage was.  She had never seen a frog .  Because she'd never seen one she wasn't surprised to see him talking with the human.  The frog hopped about the room and peered into the cages.  He looked carefully at all the kittens.  Some of the less well bred kittens made rude jokes at his expense.  He didn't seem to notice.  He looked into her cage several times.

The human reached into her cage and grabbed her.  The kitten was frightened.  In her brief experience being picked up by a human meant a shot or a bath.  She was surprised when the human put her on the floor next to the frog.  The frog petted her.  Even though his skin was damp, the petting felt good.  She tried to sit in his lap.  The frog petted her furiously.  She enjoyed the contact.  He seemed to know exactly where she liked to be petted.  He gave her a cat treat.  She was very happy.

That day she went home with the frog.  Although he lived in the water, he'd built her a little house near the bank of his pond.  There were bowls of food and water and a small fluffy blanket.  It was much better than the cage in the shelter with that rude little tuxedo.

The frog could talk to her and understand what she said.  Since she was an inexperienced kitten she didn't think that it was strange.  She was happy that the frog treated her much better than they had at the shelter.  He almost treated her in the manner she believed she deserved.

The next  few months were idyllic.  Every day she and the frog played and took naps together.  He taught her how to catch bugs and minnows.  She loved playing hide and seek in the weeds near the pond.  The frog would hide and she'd pounce on him.  Then they'd roll around on the ground laughing.

One day when she was six months old she suggested that they play hide and seek.  The frog agreed happily and hopped off to hide.  As soon as he disappeared she crept into the weeds.  She knew she'd have to catch the frog unawares to be able to pounce on him.  She moved slowly and strealthily. Finally she caught his scent.  He was hiding under a large leaf.   She pounced gleefully and landed right on the frog's back.  He made a funny noise, wriggled, and then was still.

She was confused.  He always croaked happily and then rolled on the ground with her after she pounced.  This time he just laid there.  In a situation like that there was only one thing to do.  She trotted off to a secluded sunny spot and took a nap.

Moral of the story:  Your caregiver will always disappoint you.

A Man and a Frog Go into a Bar

There was once a frog who grew up in an animal behavior research laboratory.  He wasn't sure why but the scientists picked him as a participant in a communication study.  He and the scientists were shocked to find out that in the areas of language and conceptual thinking he was a super frog.  Some of the other frogs in the study learned to respond to simple sound combinations and visual cues.  He began speaking in complete sentences in less than two months.  After six months he had mastered English, German, French, Mandarin, and Arabic.  In spite of not having lips his pronunciation was amazingly good in every human language he tried.

He was modest by nature.  He couldn't help thinking of himself as an ordinary frog.  The scientists treated him well but he worried that they were flattering him in order to pursue a goal that he didn't understand.  While he was more intelligent than the scientists he was not well versed in the subtlties of human culture.  He often wished he were back in the vivarium with the other frogs.

One night while he was asleep a custodian opened up his living quarters--more like an apartment than a cage.  Before the frog could say a word the custodian put him into a soundproof container.  When the custodian opened the container the frog saw that he was in a place he'd never been before.  The custodian offered him a plate of mealworms and hamburger.  He told the frog that he had rescued him from the lab.  The scientists were going to dissect him at the end of the week.

The frog was naive and trusted the custodian.  No human had ever lied to him before.  While he ate the mealworms and hamburger he thanked the custodian for saving his life.  He asked the custodian if there were anything he could do to repay him.  "Actually, I've been thinking of something that would benefit both of us." said the custodian.  "You can call me Herb.  Now, most humans don't believe that frogs can talk.  Let me explain what we can do."

The next evening the frog and Herb went into a bar.  Herb sat down on a barstool and put the frog next to him on the bar.  He said to the bartender "Miller for me and ginger ale for my friend here."  The bartender said "We don't serve no toads in this establishment."

Herb said "First of all my friend is a frog.  Second, he's very sensitive about being called a toad.  Third, he's considerably smarter than the average frog.  For example, he can talk."  The bartender said "That sounds like a load of horse shit to me."  He waved at four men sitting in a booth and said "Hey, this guy says he has a talking frog."  The men in the booth laughed heartily and came up to the bar.  One of them said "Aw, it looks like an ordinary frog to me."

Herb smiled in a way that the men in the bar didn't realize was patronizing.  "I know this frog can talk.  He and I have some great conversations."  Another of the men said "Sure you do." and laughed.  Herb said "I'll bet a hundred bucks the frog can talk.  What do you say."

The men had never heard the old saying "If a man in a bar bets you that he can make the queen of spades jump out of a deck of cards and squirt catsup in your eye, don't take the bet.  You'll lose the bet and get catsup in your eye."  The men got out their wallets and put a hundred dollars on the bar.

Herb said to the frog "All right, show these guys you can talk."  The frog cleared his throat and said "Certainly I can talk.  My friend would never have said I could talk if I couldn't."  One of the men pointed to Herb and said "He's throwing his voice."  Herb said "All right.  Tell you what I'll do.  Let's make it another hundred and I'll talk at the same time he does."

Another hundred dollars appeared on the bar.  Herb said "Ok, I'm going to start reciting the words to the national anthem.  When I get to "the rockets' red glare part, the frog will start talking."  One of the men said "No, you're going to sing it."  Herb smiled and said "Sure, it's your money."

He started singing the "Star Spangled Banner."  When he reached "the rockets' red glare," the frog began singing harmony with him.  The men were crestfallen.  The frog had a pleasant baritone and harmonized exquisitely with Herb's scratchy bass.  Herb picked up the money and said "To show you there's no hard feelings, I'll buy you all a drink.  The men ordered, Herb paid, and he and the frog left.

When they got home Herb said "OK, we've got $180 here.  That's a hundred for me because I set it up and eighty for you."  The frog said "That seems only fair.  I would gladly have sung for nothing."

After six months of going from town to town, Herb and the frog each had quite a bit of money although Herb had the lion's share.  The frog had learned a lot about humans.  He began to realize that Herb was taking advantage of him.  Not only did Herb continue with the five to four split on the bets,  he made the frog pay him for food, lodging and transportation.  Even though deceit was a foreign concept to him he realized that he needed to figure out a way of getting even.

In a medium sized town in Oklahoma the frog hit on a plan.  While Herb took his afternoon nap the frog hopped down to the bar they had targeted for the evening.  He managed to get up on the bar and get the bartender's attention.  Before the bartender could hit him with the six cell flashlight he kept under the bar, the frog said "I have a proposition of mutual benefit."  The bartender did a double take.   "What do you mean?" he asked the frog.

The frog said "I've been traveling with this guy named Herb.  We go into bars and Herb gets people to bet that I can't talk.  We win the bets and move on.  I know Herb has been cheating me.  Here's what I'd like you to do."   He and the bartender talked for a long time.

The frog got back to the motel room before Herb woke from his nap.  When Herb got up everything looked normal.  The frog was in the bathtub sitting on a kickboard floating in six inches of water.  Herb said "You ready for tonight?  I know the place we're going to hit s going to mean big bucks.  It's payday and a lot of them cash their checks there."  They both laughed.

Around 11:00 they walked into the bar.  The same bartender the frog had spoken to was behind the stick.  There were at least fifty men there.  Herb made his usual talking frog pitch and soon there was nearly five thousand dollars on the bar.   Herb said "Ok, froggie, do your stuff."  The frog looked around, opened and closed his mouth, and croaked.  A heavily built man standing next to Herb said,  "Talking frog, huh?"  Herb said "This frog can talk.  I don't know what's the matter with him."  The man said "Double or nothing?"

Herb was confident.  He thought that the frog had discovered a way to increase the take.  Herb said "I hate to take your money but you're on."  The pile of money on the bar doubled in size.  Herb said to the frog "This is it, big boy.  Show 'em what you can do."  The frog hopped a few inches and croaked softly.  Herb said "You little bastard, why are you doing this to me?"

The burly man said "I'm feeling charitable.  What do you say, guys.  Should we give him another try?"  The men in the bar murmered agreement.  Herb was sweating and his hands wanted to shake.  He said to the frog "I'm going to make frog's legs tonight if you don't talk."  The frog edged toward the bartender and croaked."  Herb cried out and reached for the frog.  Before he could pull his arm back, the six cell flashlight came down hard on the back of his hand.  Herb groaned.   The bartender said "I don't stand for cruelty to animals in my bar.  If the frog don't talk, he don't talk.  If I were you, I'd pay up and leave quietly."

Herb was in severe pain but he didn't want to lose the money he'd put up.  Placing his hand in the pocket where he kept a small revolver he said "I'm not giving you bastards a cent."  He hardly got it out before a fist connected with the side of his head.  Unfortunately for him, it didn't knock him unconscious.  He was able to feel several kicks and punches.  The heel of a cowboy boot crushed his other hand.  By the time Herb lost consciousness, the frog and the bartender had divided the money.  Each man in the group got an equal share of the money Herb had put up.  Two of the customers dragged Herb to an alley half way down the block and sat him on the pavement propped up against dumpster.

The frog left by the back door and hopped back to the motel.  He knew where Herb kept his stash.  He had a bit of trouble getting the suitcase open but managed to pull out the bag of money.  There was over a hundred thousand dollars there.  The frog realized that besides the five to four split, Herb had been skimming. The frog added his money to the bag and called a cab.  An hour later he was at the airport hopping along towing his little suitcase on wheels.

The frog settled in San Francisco.  He invested his money and within a year he was worth more than $20,000,00.  He decided it was time to retire.  One of the scientists had told him that he was likely to live as long as a human.  He looked forward to a long retirement.  He bought a small farm with a large pond and built a data center where he could keep track of his investments.  He spent most of his time at the pond eating a normal frog diet and basking in the sun.

When Herb recovered from the beating he was a changed man.  He had suffered brain damage and lost most of the use of his hands.  His speech was slurred and he walked with a limp.  He was lucky.  He got a job in the bar where he'd been beaten.  He was paid room and board. He sat on a specially made barstool designed to keep him from falling out and patrons paid by the minute to heckle him.  It worked out well for him and the bar.  He couldn't tell he was being insulted and the bar had a new source of income.

Moral:  A fool and his money are soon parted.