by Sue T.
Member since:
September 27, 2008

A Letter To My Keeper

January 10, 2009 07:06 PM EST
views: 118 | rating: 10/10 (18 votes) | comments: 37

A Letter To My Keeper

Dear Keeper and Monster Within

When I was a child I didn't know who you were ~ didn't know that you existed ~ and therefore you did not.  Not in my mind, the mind of a child with new thoughts and new dreams and no concept of 'I can't'.  I was invincible. How happy I was. 

Then, gradually it dawned on me that I might be wrong.  That perhaps there were no new thoughts and no new dreams.  And I heard myself say maybe 'I can't'.

Later, I thought of you as my grating shadow, pursuing me at every opportunity, standing tall when I felt small.  You silenced me when I wanted to sing and made me shout when I longed for peace.  I wanted to shake you from the bones of my life but I told myself 'I can't'.

Much later, I realized that you were not my shadow.  Unfortunately, you were alive in me, inside me, living in the darkest corners of my mind ~ feeding my soul with your poisonous energy, layer upon layer of licentious lies, fuelling me with feral fears.  I wanted to stand up to you but I assured myself I was not good enough ~ 'I can't' be good enough.

And later still, I let you ru(i)n my life with tyrannous aplomb.  Your constant threats of rejection, separation and abandonment kept me frozen to the core.  I watched you feed my weakness and in doing so starved my strength.  As 'I' shrank, 'you' grew.  I wanted to turn the tables but I knew it was not possible. 'I can't'.

I wrestled with you, monster within, for many years until one day, as I sat still and visited my estranged self, I noticed I was blissfully alone.  I heard your whinging words, your dogged demands, your callous condemnations ... but for a few delicious moments I noticed that they passed without meaning.  And I let them float by.  I saw that the words fell from your own fragile story, not mine.  And when I dropped that story, I watched the words shatter and merge with the nothingness from which they came.  In that instant of realization I saw that you do not exist in this moment and it is in this moment that I am.  'I can'.

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Comments: 37

JustMe ~I'm happy to be~ Jan 10, 2009, 7:08pm EST
Exactly! Isn't it amazing when we face the monster how empowered we become?!
Courtney C. Jan 10, 2009, 7:21pm EST
Very dark and then wonderfully bright :)
Sue T. Jan 10, 2009, 7:23pm EST
Thanks JustMe ~ the monster disappears when you look at it closely.
Thanks Dawn ~ I know you know the monster well.
Marianne ~ peace and empowerment keep knocking until we open the door ... I like that - even your comments are poetry, thank you!
Sue T. Jan 10, 2009, 7:24pm EST
Courtney, hello, and thank you.
Esther IS Flesh and Blood S. Jan 10, 2009, 7:25pm EST
Powerful and thought provoking.
Leah Christensen Jan 10, 2009, 7:30pm EST
Very well done!
Cheryl W. Jan 10, 2009, 7:30pm EST
Powerful prose, Sue! I know this monster all too well..
Sue T. Jan 10, 2009, 7:34pm EST
Thanks Esther and Leah.
Yes, Cheryl, you do ~ I see that! Maybe that's why I connect with your writing.
Sunaura *. Jan 10, 2009, 7:41pm EST
Nicely conveyed words of wisdom
Marge H. Jan 10, 2009, 7:42pm EST
Oh this is wonderful, uplifting, and insightful. I too have had to do battle with the negative self talk. Even though I know where all of the self doubt started, I still have to keep reminding myself that I am not as worthless as the inner voices keep telling me I am.
Wilhelmine Estabrook Jan 10, 2009, 7:45pm EST
That's the only way to handle monsters and bullies: Turn and face them. Look them in the eye until they disintegrate.
Grand writing, Sue.
Elsie Duggan Jan 10, 2009, 8:32pm EST
I love this Sue, I am so happy you finally found out that that nagging little voice was all it was, you know the old saying, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see, (well maybe you are not that old,) but believe in yourself, you are the only one you have to please.
lynn a. Jan 10, 2009, 10:32pm EST
Sue, this is fantastic and beautiful. What an extraordinary piece. I think we can all relate to this and you have managed to do considerable heating to anyone who reads this. I am so impressed.
sheila h. Jan 10, 2009, 10:54pm EST
Marvelous letter chronicling the empowerment of a tortured soul..
you've created an increasing complicated labyrinth of layered fear and insecurity;the reader feels the weight of this dark cloak comprised of anxiety ,self doubt and depression enveloping and increasing with every line..
the realization of self empowerment in the final paragraph ..the joy.. was liberating for this reader,too..
well done!
sheila h. Jan 10, 2009, 11:00pm EST
love this clever vehicle run/ruin..:
I let you ru(i)n my life with tyrannous aplomb.

and this is a great descriptive line :
... but for a few delicious moments I noticed that they passed without meaning. And I let them float by...
I love the comparison to water flowing away and taking with it whatever is trapped in the stream..taking that problem,now insignificant.. away..
washing clean..
maybe I read into this but it has a redeeming 'cleansing' property..
sheila h. Jan 10, 2009, 11:01pm EST
Courtney hit the nail on the head..excactly what I was wanting to say..:)
David W. Jan 10, 2009, 11:15pm EST
kicking the "Inside Moster," habit is the hardet job of all. great post.

I once heard, and I have quoted this before, "Some poeple don't like themselves and then they have to take that person they don't like, everywhere they go."
Stacey *Mamasaid* D. Jan 10, 2009, 11:21pm EST
Excellent description of facing off the monster within
Teresa T. Jan 10, 2009, 11:55pm EST

glitter-graphics.com
JOHN BECK Jan 11, 2009, 12:36am EST
Certainly you can, Sue!
Sue T. Jan 11, 2009, 2:06am EST
I appreciate all of your thoughtful comments ~ thank you everyone.
Wade A. Jan 11, 2009, 12:28pm EST
Self doubt, fear, and hesitation can prevent us from accomplishing most anything if we let them take control. A worthy parable for all.
Marge H. Jan 15, 2009, 8:39pm EST
Came back to catch up on the great comments and to reread this.
Dan R. Jan 15, 2009, 9:10pm EST
We can be our own worst enemy or our own best friend. And facing our fears is always the first step into making us our own best friend.

Very well spoken!
Svetlana Goryacheva Jan 16, 2009, 7:13am EST
A superb writing - an excellent and much-needed lesson on letting go and reclaiming inner freedom.

Hugs and blessings - S.
Tammy N. Jan 16, 2009, 7:33am EST
Great write! Thanks for sharing!
William Dotani Jan 17, 2009, 4:12pm EST
Masterful introspective writing looking from the outside in with an impressive literary device of a timeline as a thread to stitch moments of your life together. I think many can identify with your inner torments, which draws the reader in to share the dark paths you have traveled and stumbled.
Sue T. Jan 17, 2009, 9:24pm EST
Thank you all.
Heather ~of the Whippets~ M. Jan 22, 2009, 7:01pm EST
It is so easy for that monster to invade our lives. It starts early on, but it is just a tiny thing. If it has the right conditions, though, it will thrive and grow until it consumes one's self confidence.
Boris G. Jan 29, 2009, 3:48am EST
Sue, I can so relate to the thoughts and feelings conveyed in this piece, it has been an issue for me for quite a while too and I myself have investigated this exact situation from both a philosophical angle in THE INNER MORALITY and from a poetic angle in THE PIMPLE AND I
Exquisite and strong~self doubt is the monster that eats us up from inside~to bite back and throw it on its back is the ultimate in self reclamation~your tale is rich with descriptive emotives and alive with those razor edged emotions~but cathartic pulses beat throughout~hope is just a metaphorical hug awa =)
Daniel Irwin Tucker Feb 11, 2009, 2:54pm EST
Like so many of the above, I can attest to this often life-long battle. You described it well, my dear Sue. Even after we become empowered by a life-changing epiphany, this monster or monsters drop by for a visit now and again, and since they've known us so well, they come at our most vulnerable moments. So it's good to be vigilant. "...you do not exist in this moment and it is in this moment that I am." Sometimes we can't just take one day at a time; it's often moment by moment. (at least for me it is.)
Bard Constantine Mar 4, 2009, 10:57pm EST
It's only when we face our demons that we realize how weak they truly are. Well said.

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