Hair Removal...NOT!

THIS IS HYSTERICAL...!

(I don't have a clue as to who wrote

this, but....WHAT A HOOT...!

Damn but I am so glad that I am

guy!!!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

"My night began as any other normal

weeknight. Come home, fix

dinner, play with the kids. I then had

the thought that would ring painfully in

my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out

of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise:

the bathroom. It was one of those

'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of

hot wax, you just rub the strips

together in your hand, they get warm

and you peel them apart and press

them to your leg (or wherever else) and

you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am

mechanically inclined enough to figure

this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its

two strips facing each other stuck

together. Instead of rubbing them

together, my genius kicks in so I get

out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000

degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay

the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin

around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it

wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair

removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward

body hair and maker of smooth skin

extraordinaire!

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak

back into the bathroom, for the

ultimate hair fighting championship. I

drop my panties and place one foot on

the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the

wax strip across the right side of my

bikini line, covering the right half of my

hoo-ha and stretching down to the

inside of my butt cheek (it was a long

strip) I inhale deeply and brace

myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH

MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only

managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!

Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay

conscious...must stay conscious. Do I

hear crashing drums??? Breathe,

breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax

covered strip, the one that has caused

me so much pain, with my hairy pelt

sticking to it. I want to revel in the

glory that is my triumph over body

hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it...!

Where is the hair...??? WHERE IS

THE DAMNED WAX...???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still

perched on the toilet. I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the

strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching

wax.

I run my fingers over the most

sensitive part of my body, which is now

covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG

mistake...remember my foot is still

propped upon the toilet? I know I need

to do something. So I put my foot

down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut.

Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom

trying to figure out what to do and

think to myself 'Please don't let me

get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do

to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll

run the hottest water I can stand, into

the bathtub, get in, immerse the

wax-covered bits and the wax should

melt and I can gently wipe it off,

right???

*WRONG.........!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly

hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize

surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having

your nether regions glued together, is

having them glued together and then

glued to the bottom of the tub....in

scalding hot water.  Which, by the way,

doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of

the tub as though I had cemented

myself to the porcelain!! God bless the

man who had convinced me a few

months ago to have a phone put in the

bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of

how to get me undone. It's a very good

conversation starter. 'So, my butt and

hoo-ha are glued together to the

bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't

know any secret tricks for removal but

she does try to hide her laughter from

me.

She wants to know exactly where the

wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks

or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can

hear her. I give her the rundown and

she suggests I call the number on the

side of the box.

YEAH...!!!!! Right...!!! I really want to be

the joke of someone else's night!

While we go through various solutions.

I resort to trying to scrape the wax

off with a razor .. Nothing feels better

than to have your girlie goodies

covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck

to the tub in super hot water and then

dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now

the brain is not working, dignity has

taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure

I'm going to need post-Traumatic

Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I

finally see my saving grace....! The

lotion they give you to remove the

excess wax...!

What do I really have to lose at this

point? I rub some on and OH MY

GOD....DAMN that HURTS.....!!!!!!! The

scream probably woke the kids and

scared the dickens out of my friend.

It's sooooooo painful, but I really

don't care.  'IT WORKS....!!

It works !!' I get a hearty

congratulation from my friend and she

hangs up. I successfully remove the

remainder of the wax and then notice

to my grief and despair....THE HAIR

IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF

IT...! So I recklessly shave it off.

Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at

this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair

color......