Investment Tips for Surviving the Coming Econopolypse

If you’re enrolled in any type of retirement, 401k, or other investment plan, you’ll probably notice something different about your next earnings statement. Due to the economic downturn, most investment plan providers have decided against actually reporting your losses in dollar value. Instead when you open your next statement, rather than receiving a summary of your fund activities you’ll hear the sound effect from The Price is Right when someone guesses the wrong price for the Chex Mix and thus loses the pair of jetskis:

Doot-doo-doo-dooooo waahhhhhh!

After spending the past few months reviewing unemployment rates, GDP trends, consumer confidence index, and new home construction data, economists have reached the conclusion that the giant sucking we’ve been hearing for the past year is the economy. Yes, it’s bad out there, but for the savvy investor there’s still money to be made. Not much, but if you invest in some or all of the following categories, there’s a good chance you’ll have enough left to be the best dressed person in line for the soup kitchen.

Gas – Not fuel companies, actual fuel. Last summer gasoline prices across the country eclipsed four dollars a gallon with some places even reaching as high as five. In the true spirit of the “buy low, sell high” philosophy of market management, now is the perfect time to stockpile gas. Fill every vessel in your house with 87 octane: vases, bath tubs, old milk jugs, fish tanks, etc. By Memorial Day gas prices will start going back up, and when they do, sell baby sell! You’ll be dizzy from all the profits you make from this investment. It might just be from all the gas fumes, but one way or another you’ll be dizzy. Possibly even blind.

Harmonicas – As the stream of home foreclosures continues this spring, communities of McMansions will find their inhabitants leaving in droves and relocating to Hobo McCamps. Since no transient hobo camp is complete without at least one harmonica player, market analysts are predicting a booming year for harmonica sales. Harmonicas are obviously just a small part of the emerging hobo economy, so you might want to consider investing in a diversified Hobo Investment Portfolio, which includes sizable investments in the grocery cart, fingerless glove, and flaming trash barrel markets. Analysts would also recommend that you keep an eye on the emerging “flannel hat with earflaps” market.

Collections Agencies –Sure, it won’t stop them from taking your car when you miss too many payments, but as the repo man is towing your car away you’ll be making money off of it! It’s the “Paying Paul to rob Peter to pay Paul” investment plan.

Muscle Shirts – It’s a fact: as long as there is a male population living in the state of West Virginia, there will always be a market for muscle shirts.

Chuck E. Cheese Tokens – These tokens (aka “Chucks” on the currency exchange market) have been one of the most stable currencies over the past twenty-five years. Unlike the Euro or Japanese Yen, the Chuck has not exhibited any volatile fluctuations against the dollar as a result of the recent economic downturn and is still trading at the same favorable rate of 4 per dollar.

(Note: Chuck E. Cheese does have plans that tout more favorable exchange rates than standard market value. While these plans look promising, this investor strongly advises against them due to unnecessary contract obligations, such as the purchase of a pizza. While the Chuck still enjoys a favorable exchange rate, the pizza has recently been downgraded from “barely edible” to “less appetizing damp cardboard”. )

Besides the favorable exchange, another advantage in moving your savings to Chucks is bankruptcy protection. Specifically, when you file for bankruptcy the bank will probably raid your savings and possibly take your house and car to cover your outstanding debt, but they’ll probably overlook the large pile of tokens for a children’s restaurant. Of course converting the Chucks back to American currency can be time consuming, because it requires the use of a courier (usually a twelve year old) to take them to middle school playgrounds to convert them back to real currency.

As with all investments, there is some degree of risk associated with dumping your money in these categories. Judging by the latest dip of the Dow Jones Industrial Average, the biggest risk might be that by the time you’ve finished reading this column, you probably won’t have any money left to invest (probably should have warned you sooner; sorry about that). If that’s the case, you should instead focus your efforts on obtaining the necessary job skills to survive the coming econopolypse. Like learning to play harmonica.