I’m Mad As Hell And I’m Leaving Gather!

Gotcha to look, didn't I?

I also hope I pulled y'all in enough to induce you to read a bit further. Actually, what I really wanted to talk about was a message that I received a few days ago from a friend of mine here on Gather. Her email went something like this:

Ed, I don't know what to do. I try to write good articles, and no one ever reads them. I then look about and see trivial things that no one should interested in that everyone seems to be interested in. You seem to do okay on Gather, do you have any suggestions as to how I can get more people interested in my writings?

Well, what's a noble Southern guy to do? You have to try and answer a plea like that! Anyway, I guess I'd start by saying that in my relatively brief period of time here on Gather that I've noticed a phenomenon, and that's that there are certain strategies that seem to lend themselves to increased amounts of attention for people and their pages. I'll damn near guarantee y'all that if you'll follow one of the five strategies listed below that the interest in your page will soon pick up and you'll then be watched by tons of people! You'll end up becoming a regular Gather Elvis! So, with no further ado and in no particular order, here be our five proven Gather attention-grabbing strategies:

1. Get naked, or, at the very least, show a picture of your freshly spanked ass here on Gather!

Some of y'all might remember a few weeks ago that some guy actually set up a Gather account that utilized a picture of himself bent over and displaying his freshly spanked ass - his naked and reddish freshly spanked ass! As soon as he did, his profile views went through the roof and his page was covered with comments! Unfortunately for him, in just a day or so his profile was taken down. Go figure.

Y'all might ask, Ed, what does this all mean to me? Well, bottom line, it means that if you're willing to get kicked off Gather while grabbing a lot of attention in the process then all you have to do is just display some of your private parts au nude-o. They don't even have to be good lookin' private parts, hell, this guy had an awful lookin' ass, but just put up a pink trouser sausage, a nippled boob, or even worse up as your avatar and people will look! I guarantee it! You'll be Gather famous!

2. Tell everyone you're going to leave!

A while back I got a bit fed up one day here because I discovered a Freddy Krueger-like longevity troll was yet again on my tail, and I figured that I didn't need the aggravation. So, I put up something about leaving and thanked everyone here who'd been nice to me. Damned if right after that my profile didn't shoot right up to the number one most viewed one on all of Gather and actually stayed up there for a couple of days. In the end, I decided not to let such a minor 'tard make me leave, but just saying I was leaving damn sure spiked up my profile views. So, consider this a really good strategy for gaining attention, but my guess is that if you employ it often on about the fourth or fifth attempt people are going to start suspecting your intentions. When that happens, it might not keep working for you quite as well...

3. Get on a popular person's page and make a lot of noise! Better yet, really kiss their heinies, get your lips up in there really good!

I'm lucky enough to be Gather friends with some of the more popular people here, and you can bank on this like clockwork - periodically someone will show up on one of their pages and either fawn all over them or try to pick a public fight with them. And, being the good people most of my buddies are, they'll try to reason with the person instead of just kicking their asses off their page (which is my preferred method of dealing with dicks). Sooner or later in the process you realize what's truly goin' on - the unknown person is making a name for themselves at the expense of the popular person, much like mistletoe sucks the life out of an oak tree.

What can be said here? Well, simply put, if you're willing to slip your nose all the way up to someone's throat, or, if you're willing to be about as popular as Stalin, you'll get lots of attention! Just be sure to buy, dependent on what tact you use, some Vaseline or a flack jacket. You'll need it.

4. Show cleavage.

Since being here at Gather, more than one time have I noticed a lady changing her avatar from one to another that more prominently displays her, uh, attributes. Whenever she does, watch what happens re her profile views, they'll start shooting up like....well, I won't say. And look, I'm not putting this strategy down, hell, I'll go and look at a nice rack faster than a rabbit will give up his virginity! At least two times, in fact. I'll go even further with this and state, for the record, that any Gather lady who lets me know that she's about to change her avatar to something more mammary pronounced will be assured of a visit from me - I like supporting creative new double endeavors!

5. Be a victim!

Oh man, talk about something I've seen here at Gather about four zillion times already, and that's someone getting on their page and wailing about some imaginary or real-life wrong that's been perpetrated against them. Soon as it happens, everyone rushes in to offer their condolences and rail against the alleged perpetrator. Sometimes it's really funny, sometimes it's almost mob-like, and it's almost always true that the other person's side in the dispute is never truly heard. But, whatever the case or circumstance is, it draws. Sometimes it draws like crazy!

How do you kick this one off? Just start complaining on your page about someone not understanding you, someone owing you money, or someone engaging in sexual escapades with someone close to you that they shouldn't be. In about two days your page will be hotter than a South Carolina firecracker, and then you'll get condolences and advice from all over the world. My only advice would be to keep moving the scenario along to new pastures periodically, maybe focus on drunk relatives one week, a bad break-up the next, less boredom begins to creep in and you lose your audience - there's a reason soap operas have lots of writers!

Fellow Gatherers, I'll end by sending out this guarantee to my friend who sent me the email and to anyone else who happens to be reading this - if you're willing to do one of the five items listed above I'll guarantee you that you'll quickly gain more attention! Why, if you don't believe that these schemes can work, just check out how long Jerry Springer has been on TV, then ask yourself just what do Jerry's shows typically feature? Mostly stuff that you can tie right into one of the five items we've discussed above! And I'd talk even more with y'all about this, as it's such a fascinating subject, but I have someone here who's about to take a picture of my heiny - I've painted two eyes on one of its cheeks, and I'm going to lay sideways so that it looks like this mega funny face! Then, I'll use it as my avatar and......