Why do grandmas butt in?

It was Christmas Eve this year. My son (who will be 4 years old in a few weeks) was acting up and not sharing a toy with his cousin. I took him aside and explained to him that his behavior wasn't acceptable and was about to stick him timeout. Well, before I even finished my sentence, my mom yelled across the room at my son, got his attention away from me and started screaming at him. I quickly said "Do you mind? Don't interrupt me when I'm disciplining my son. It's not your place to discipline him, it's mine."

Of course, my mom was pissed off by that. She thought that was about the worst thing I could have said to her. In her opinion, any child in her field of vision who acts up should be prepared to face her wrath.

To me, it's disrespectful to me to interrupt me when I'm disciplining my child. She undermined my authority with my son. First of all, she took his focus away from me and onto her. He's the type of kid that needs to be taken aside and calmly explained to what he did wrong. He's NOT the type of kid that responds well to screaming and spanking (which is my mom's first and only choice for everything).

Now I know some people will say that grandmas have had more experience than moms and so they know better. Well, that's bull to me. In some cases, I think that's valid, but not in the case of discipline. Each and every child is DIFFERENT and what works for one child may not work for another. I am the one who spends 24 hours a day with my son, not grandma. I know him better, and I know what works and what doesn't.

What's your take on this? Have you ever had a relative or friend interrupt you when you were disciplining your child? What are your thoughts?

Comments: 30

Princess Spanky Pants ~ The Real, Original, Heather T Jan 2, 2009, 8:45pm UTC

I agree that it was disrespectful for her to try to insert herself into the disciplining, but I think your response could have been handled a bit more diplomatically, given that you were in a room full of people, and it was a holiday.

Jules who is loving life again Jan 2, 2009, 8:48pm UTC

Being a Grand and Great grand[call me gray}I think you are totaly one hundred percent right.I would never over rule my children way to handle things.

I raised two grand children [with my sis doing it also] till 7 and 8. Then my daughter was responsable to take them back.I moved to orlando also but in my own place.
after the year of them calling me to see if what mom said was right...
I found moving out of the state would quelsh the calls.It did and she was finally mom again.

B F. Jan 2, 2009, 8:49pm UTC

I do get aggravated when others butt in while I am disciplining one of the children. My parents are notorious for this-only they claim I am the one being too hard on the kids or that the offense of the child doesn't warrant any discipline... My mother has convinced the children that it is "too much work" for them to clean their own rooms...

Dorothy H. Jan 2, 2009, 8:52pm UTC

Gradma was out of line, and you handled that appropriately.

Lynn R. Jan 2, 2009, 8:52pm UTC

Yep, being a grandma (mamaw) I agree with what you did and how you handled it. I don't interfere with the disciplining of our granddaughter, no matter what I think about it at the time. She should have let you handle it like you were and left it at that. You may have stopped it from happening again. Maybe no one has ever called her on it. Good for you.

Larry H. Jan 2, 2009, 8:58pm UTC

NEVER HAD THAT PROBLEM HERE/

Krystal Harwell Jan 2, 2009, 9:02pm UTC

Havent had that problem yet... I live with my mom, lol. We've had our few differences, but she'll see my POV and smile :) as far as discipline, i'll do the same thing my mom did, time outs with explinations and a calm talk most of the time, but if it was life threatning then they need to be spanked, but not hard.

Michelle W. Jan 2, 2009, 9:08pm UTC

My mom used to do that when I corrected my girls. I personally stay out of it when my daughter is getting onto the grand kids. That is her job when she is around, not mine.

Rob Appell Jan 2, 2009, 9:08pm UTC

Not having a child, I haven't run into this situation, but I do have nephews, and since they aren't my children, I've had to bite my tongue many times when my sister or brother in law doesn't something I don't agree with. Mothers/grandmothers think they have the right to butt in because they have experience...even if it is wrong. I'd tell her to stay quiet because she didn't do all that great of a job with her methods the first time around. My child, my home...my rules. Nunya business.

Gretchen Lee Bourquin Jan 2, 2009, 9:12pm UTC

You did the right thing-- I admire your gumption for making a clear guideline where the discipline of your child is concerned. You presented 2 lessons-- that you are willing to calmly communicate with your child when he is less than perfect. Discipline via screaming just makes kids want to hide things rather than go to you for help. #2 That, when necessary, you can stand up to your own mother. There will come a day when your son will need to take a stance that you might not agree with, and that is healthy.

Priscilla (wishing I was in Costa Rica) ~. Jan 2, 2009, 9:14pm UTC

I would have been upset as well. My Mom usually didn't do anything like that, but would suggest a spanking when she thought our daughter needed one!

Sheli out of her jammies and enjoying the Sun *. Jan 2, 2009, 9:22pm UTC

I agree with you and I think you handled it great. My mom never says anything about what I do with my kids-in front of the kids! LOL!! She will pull me aside and tell me her take though and that is great, sometimes I actually use her advice, but she never puts my kids against me. Now the MIL on the other hand.....LOL!!

j - Frugal Mom - r. Jan 2, 2009, 9:22pm UTC

I never really had this problem with my parents or my husband's mom, but when I lived with my parents while helping out my mother, some of the other helpers butted in too much in how I was raising my son, and I know how annoyed I was.

I definitely understand why you are upset.

Connie C. Jan 2, 2009, 9:28pm UTC

You handled it well.

Rebecca P. Jan 2, 2009, 9:30pm UTC

I'd have been upset too in your situation. I'm not a parent, so I can't offer as good of advice as parents, but...when I've worked in preschools I've always found the best way to 'disipline' a child is to calmly take them to the side and talk to them. What you were doing was perfect, but her screaming was uncalled for. You shouldn't scream at a child for that and screaming period at a child that age is uncalled for. I don't know any children who handle getting yelled or screamed at well.

De (It takes a pillage to raze a village.) M. Jan 2, 2009, 9:33pm UTC

I agree with you that you should be the one disciplining your child, not his grandmother. How she ran her household, is not how you run YOUR household and she should respect that. She may not see it that way.

Anne Marie A. Jan 2, 2009, 9:56pm UTC

I agree with you.

Mary M. Jan 2, 2009, 10:39pm UTC

This is an age old problem. I often find my mil will belittle my housekeeping or discipline. So will my sil. There are no easy answers.

Alta B. Jan 2, 2009, 10:45pm UTC

I agree with you.

♥ Adair ♥ K. Jan 2, 2009, 11:21pm UTC

I agree that you did the right thing.

Shaunee C. Jan 3, 2009, 12:36am UTC

I agree with you. He is your son not her's and you know he handles being talked to. My father was the same way. Although I don't have any kids. I hope he doesn't yell at my niece or my nephew the way he use to yell at me or my sister.

Krissy spreading my wings hoping to soar W. Jan 3, 2009, 1:07am UTC

That's a touchy one for me. As you know, my mom and I are super close and she's an everyday part of my boys lives. I raise my children in the exact same manner that she raised me, therefore I have no problem with her disciplining my children because we have the same discipline styles.

That being said though, I would have a conipition fit were my daddy (who I'm equally crazy about) to discipline my children. Why? Simply because he isn't an every day active part of their lives. At best he sees them every three months for an hour. Yes, he loves them and would do anything for them, but I just don't feel that he takes enough interest in their day to day lives to have that right.

Krissy spreading my wings hoping to soar W. Jan 3, 2009, 1:45am UTC

This comment is to let you know that this content has reached at least five votes and over 8.0 average rating, and as such has been removed from Rating Resurrectionists! Congratulations!

Carla B. Jan 3, 2009, 4:28am UTC

I can see why you would be upset. I don't see my parents very often at all (we live 1100 miles away), but when I do, they tell me I need to spank Elliott for every small thing that he does wrong. He's usually very cranky and irritable for at least 2-3 days when we first get home, because he's scared, and in a new environment, with a lot more stimulation, and they don't seem to get that. They don't try to directly interfere when I'm disciplining, but they do say he needs to be spanked if I just tell him no (even over something like whining, when he's tired, hungry, etc).

Then other times, I tell Elliott to stop doing something, and my dad says "This is Grumpy's house, and Grumpy says he can." That drives me crazy. I tell my dad, "Well, that is against the rules no matter where we go, so Elliott can NOT do that." and my dad pouts. My in-laws think Elliott can do no wrong and chastise my husband and me for disciplining at their house, too.