DBDDBS is supposedly a mnemonic for remembering the fates of the six wives of King Henry VIII of England: divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived. This memorization trick is not that accurate; instead of divorcing his wives, Henry annulled his marriages, and I suppose you could say that in the cases of the wives he beheaded, he null and voided his spouses.
In any case, because making a living as a divorce lawyer hadn't been invented yet, Henry decided to make a new church. I don't especially believe in mixed marriages; my wife and I are both non-believers. However, that's probably not the reason we are still married after 43 years. As I often say to my wife: "We are both too weird for anybody else to put up with; we might as well stay together."
However, Henry invented a "mixed Church," the Church of England (also known as the "Anglican Church" and the "Episcopalian Church")
In the long run, Henry's new church was sort of part Catholic and part Protestant. As a result (simplifying by 1001%), the Anglican Church divided into High Church and Low Church. (If you are a Low Church person, you must be a better limbo dancer during church services.)
The non-church of Radical Agnosticism, the world's least popular non-religion, has its own schism into High Agnosticism, Middle Agnosticism, and Low Agnosticism. When a religion has only one member, it's difficult for it to divide into three irreconcilable divisions, but consider it a miracle. (That's as close as agnostics can come to performing miracles.)
I belong to the High Agnostic wing of the Church, but as the only member of the church I supervise it all and take all the donations.
High Agnostics are very close to atheists. I don't know how the universe began. That's the agnostic part. I don't believe in life after death. That's the atheist part. If there is a God, I imagine he is one of the Elder Gods conceived of by H. P. Lovecraft. (They were very evil. That's the mystical part.)
To become a high agnostic you have to tithe. It's a single payment: $5,000 buys you a lifetime membership.
Middle Agnostics are very skeptical. For example, they are not sure whether you will roast to death in global warming or freeze to death in a new Ice Age. They are fairly sure that someone will steal from you no matter whether you vote for conservatives or whether you vote for liberals. In the case of the former, large banks and corporations will fleece you; in the case of the latter, you will be taxed to death.
To become a Middle Agnostic you make a voluntary shareware payment. Send me whatever you think you can afford.
Low Agnostics are allowed to be religious believers. The main requirement is that they believe in using logic, evidence, and common sense in everyday life; they get a special dispensation allowing them to believe in God (whatever variation they prefer). The dispensation costs $5. You might as well send cash. (We don't believe in PayPal.)
Radical Agnostics are fanatical believers in separation of Church and State. We practice what we don't preach. We don't believe in exemptions from taxes for church membership. We pay taxes on the money you send us.
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Comments: 11
I tend to agree.
No tithe from me.
Good effort, though.
I found this piece to be of Random Humor category ....very fine in its sensibilities and very astute in its observation. I once belonged to the Pentecostal Church - Y believe that this church came into existance by the born agains of the six wives of King Henry VIII ';)) they love to rejoice and lay hands of people. It is also very common to get drunk in the spirit of the Holy Ghost!
I am wondering about the devotions of "devout atheists." Do they kneel? Do they kneel on people? Do the stand? Sit? Lie? Recline?
Him: Nah!
Me: Why not?
Him: No stove down there!
So my question is, am I a higher agnostic than he is? Or Not?
As for our devotions: we do sometimes kneel in reverence to the above-mentioned ball-bearing appendages. We also stand, but not for praying or proselytizing or other displays of religiosity which we find quite irritating. We often sit and recline, but we rarely lie, especially about balls.
Any more questions?
A cousin of mine once expressed dismay that I was an agnostic. I inquired what she believed. She told me the universe was filled with bubbles of intelligence. This struck me as so bizarre I wanted to learn more about her peculiar beliefs, but we never had a chance to continue the discussion, and as she lives in Spain and I in Puget Sound, we are not likely to, unless we bounce into each other as little bubbles of intelligence. If you believe that let me talk to you about a bridge in Brooklyn.
Unfortunately the banks have already fleeced me so I'll just have to watch from the sidelines... this does, however explain Ruth's comment about atesticular agnosticism on your 'Confused Disbelieving' article.