If anyone knows the British TV show Keeping Up Appearances, then you will know of Hyacinth's monologues on her exclusive streamlined white phone. Patricia Routledge plays the part of Hyacinth and is simply a fantastic actor. After watching her do several monolgues, I decided to try writing a monologue. My only character is somewhat of a nerd, sort of like Red Skelton's Clyde Kadidlehopper. (I'm sure I spelled it wrong).
Hey Toots: Monolgue
'What's up toots? Yea, I'm talking to you. Do you see any other beauty queens in the vicinity? Yes, yes, I've heard it before, those are gangster lines used by shady characters in Cannonball and Dragnet.'
'Never saw either show, eh? How about F Troop? Buster Keaton in 1914? Why do you think it strange I mention Buster K? Well..., I'm just wondering ..., you know-like you could be reincarnated from that era. Do you dance the Shimmy?'
'What do you mean that sounds silly? I just want to know why you didn't say silly goose? It's nicer you know. Would you believe it if I told you I was a Buddhist monk on loan to a Catholic Monastery in southern France to fill-in for a monk who had taken a vow of silence, but wanted a vacation. I confess I spent too much time at the beach. Silently of course, but looking.
'Why would you think I've forgotten to take my psycho pills? I haven't had padded walls in my room for years. How many years? Sorry, I'm just not a math whiz. I mean who's counting the days? I'd rather sing Doris Day songs.
'I'm sorry, but I have to leave soon. What's that: 'The sooner the...' I'm sorry, your voice was like sweet music to my ears and I did not hear what you said. I'm waiting for a Pretty Woman moment. Not a chance, eh. You think I'm using pick up lines. Well, I cannot lie, but this is how I talk to all women.
'So, you want to go to dinner? Not in a blue moon, eh. I'll check my Farmer's Almanac on the way home to see when the next blue moon is, since you'll be available? I'm a real good cook you know with something fresh daily. Look at those dents on my truck bumper. Well, gotta go. Been nice talkin' to ya Baby. Here's my phone number.