by William Dotani
Member since:
October 27, 2006

Monologue

January 02, 2009 05:44 AM UTC
views: 0 | comments: 50

If anyone knows the British TV show Keeping Up Appearances, then you will know of Hyacinth's monologues on her exclusive streamlined white phone. Patricia Routledge plays the part of Hyacinth and is simply a fantastic actor. After watching her do several monolgues, I decided to try writing a monologue. My only character is somewhat of a nerd, sort of like Red Skelton's Clyde Kadidlehopper. (I'm sure I spelled it wrong).

 

Hey Toots: Monolgue 

'What's up toots? Yea, I'm talking to you. Do you see any other beauty queens in the vicinity? Yes, yes, I've heard it before, those are gangster lines used by shady characters in Cannonball and Dragnet.'

'Never saw either show, eh? How about F Troop? Buster Keaton in 1914? Why do you think it strange I mention Buster K? Well..., I'm just wondering ..., you know-like you could be reincarnated from that era. Do you dance the Shimmy?'

'What do you mean that sounds silly? I just want to know why you didn't say silly goose? It's nicer you know. Would you believe it if I told you I was a Buddhist monk on loan to a Catholic Monastery in southern France to fill-in for a monk who had taken a vow of silence, but wanted a vacation. I confess I spent too much time at the beach. Silently of course, but looking.

'Why would you think I've forgotten to take my psycho pills? I haven't had padded walls in my room for years. How many years? Sorry, I'm just not a math whiz. I mean who's counting the days? I'd rather sing Doris Day songs.

'I'm sorry, but I have to leave soon. What's that: 'The sooner the...' I'm sorry, your voice was like sweet music to my ears and I did not hear what you said. I'm waiting for a Pretty Woman moment. Not a chance, eh. You think I'm using pick up lines. Well, I cannot lie, but this is how I talk to all women.

'So, you want to go to dinner? Not in a blue moon, eh. I'll check my Farmer's Almanac on the way home to see when the next blue moon is, since you'll be available? I'm a real good cook you know with something fresh daily. Look at those dents on my truck bumper. Well, gotta go. Been nice talkin' to ya Baby. Here's my phone number.

Comments: 50

Leah Christensen Jan 2, 2009, 5:59am UTC
A 10 for you.
JOHN BECK Jan 2, 2009, 7:22am UTC
Oh, Bill, you're too much!
I agree Priscilla Routledge is very talented and her monologues are a hoot!
Red Skelton was in a class by himself. He and Victer Borge could pull the same routine time after time and you knew what was going to happen but rolled on the floor laughing anyway.
Thanks for brightening my Friday morning, Bill. Have a great weekend!
Donna S. Jan 2, 2009, 7:24am UTC
thanks for sharing!
Was the the phone number 666?
Renda B. Jan 2, 2009, 8:13am UTC
I can not believe this is your first monologue. Hilarious. You should do more of these. Try to be careful with that pick up truck, will ya? Hope you have a great weekend.
Nancy L. Jan 2, 2009, 8:28am UTC
I love Hyacinth Bucket ("that's pronounced Bouquet")!

Red Skeleton's character was "Clem Kadiddlehopper".

Check out Clem here: Clem Kadiddlehopper on YouTube

Too funny, William! You let us know what happens when that Blue Moon shows up!
Janet B. Jan 2, 2009, 9:32am UTC
Morning William.
Debra C. Jan 2, 2009, 10:12am UTC
I love the dialogues written for the Hyacinth Bucket character. They meander, like yours, through a web of subjects that would make me dizzy.
Linda T. Jan 2, 2009, 11:17am UTC
funny dialougue
Heather M. Jan 2, 2009, 12:04pm UTC
Great monologue, William. I can't believe that is the first one that you've done.

I am a fan of Keeping Up Appearances. I was shocked that my pastor actually referenced Hyacinth Bucket in one of his sermons; I think I am one of the few people in the congregation who actually was familiar with the show.
Kimberly Ripley Jan 2, 2009, 12:17pm UTC
Not familiar with the show, but loved your monologue!!
Alison H. Jan 2, 2009, 12:20pm UTC
Will have to check out the show. I rarely watch TV--but enjoyed your dialogue!
Elaine B. Jan 2, 2009, 1:14pm UTC
I never seen the show. However, this is a great post William.
Pretty good job there! Keep rolling with this idea. My daughter is an actress and has books of monologues. She often has to do one in auditions.

I've watched "Keeping Up Appearances" and I can remember Red Skelton's show as well.
Donna C. Jan 2, 2009, 1:43pm UTC
Very good William!
I grew up with Red Skelton and
I really get a kick out of
"Keeping Up Appearances"
Hyacinth is darling!!
Her husband is a saint to
put up with her. LOL
Marianne M. Jan 2, 2009, 2:06pm UTC
Loved your monologue, Bill! Very clever idea! My husband and I also enjoy "Keeping Up Appearances!" Hyacinth is hilarious ... she does those phone monologues a lot. "The Bouquet residence, this is the LADY of the house speaking ..." Her sisters and Onslow are too funny .. and of course, the long-suffering husband, Richard ...
Wilhelmine E. Jan 2, 2009, 3:50pm UTC
This is great. I must try it.
Deloris Wright Jan 2, 2009, 4:26pm UTC
Great article William.A good read.
Fran S. Jan 2, 2009, 5:23pm UTC
hysterical read!
Marge H. Jan 2, 2009, 5:25pm UTC
Very funny and very well written. I've never tried a monologue either. An interesting challenge.
Excellent William. Well done! Mrs Bucket (Bouquet) would be proud of you.
Peter Joseph Swanson Jan 2, 2009, 6:05pm UTC
Ha ha that's so funny. Ha ha !!!!!!!!

I adore Keeping Up Appearances. I hope I never turn into Hyacinth (I wonder why I would worry about THAT)
Kushal Poddar Jan 2, 2009, 10:41pm UTC
This is wit With W. Or is it your writing!
latest:
He sells
Svetlana Goryacheva Jan 3, 2009, 3:25am UTC
:-)))))) (A BIG, WARM Russian smile). I do like your sense of humor, dear William! ;-)

Blessings and best wishes in 2009 - S.
Elsie Duggan Jan 3, 2009, 4:09am UTC
Keeping up Appearances is one of my all time favorite shows. Bill and I would laugh at any of those BBC shows, Fawlty Towers too. You do a monoglogue very well William, I am laughing here, should be in bed, totally turned around it seems, I hope I straighten myself out soon, as the rest of the world calls me at 8 AM, only four hours to sleep if I start now, so goodnight William, I don't know how I didn't see this before, but here I am, I love it and you, Elsie
Virginia M. Jan 3, 2009, 4:24am UTC
Ha! Funny!:)
Lin B. Jan 3, 2009, 6:53am UTC
giggle thanks for sharing
penni d. Jan 3, 2009, 7:03am UTC
I don't have a TV, but I like British humor. I LOVE just about everything you write, William.
This was a hoot,lol...
Toni V. Jan 3, 2009, 9:23am UTC
LOL, William. Good job.
Lisa Frost Bailey Jan 3, 2009, 11:15am UTC
this is very funny William! I don't watch TV much, but I like the monologue!
Lisa Frost Bailey Jan 3, 2009, 11:16am UTC
Um, William, you might want to be careful where you go with the monologue theme...there are other types of monologues you would HAVE to flag...LOL
You and Hyacinth make quite a couple :) Maybe you should be the neighbor on the other side of her. They could expand their cast.
You two would be talking at each other and never hear what the other was saying.
Very funny :)
Donald M. Jan 3, 2009, 1:59pm UTC
I think you and her would be great friends. I love that show. The other one too. I think it is called "Going UP"
Debra C. Jan 3, 2009, 3:15pm UTC
Have you ever seen the "Victoria Wood As Seen On TV" series she did? They are delicious monologues.
t b. Jan 3, 2009, 8:50pm UTC
lol, Gee this showed your age William, almost mine too.
Pepsie J. Jan 3, 2009, 9:56pm UTC
Very funny William.

Thank you in your persistence (comments to me) in being a kind man.
Bridget Jean Jan 3, 2009, 10:37pm UTC
Great monologue
vijay kumar Jan 4, 2009, 2:41am UTC
I bow to your sense of humour. Interesting, funny, enjoyable read, William.
I haven't seen the show either, but this was a great monologue, William! I haven't seen Red Skelton in ages. I think we've got a DVD of him around here somewhere. Time to go find it!
ChrisJerri S. Jan 4, 2009, 6:26pm UTC
I haven't seen that show in awhile, but really like it. There is someone in my family that seriously remind my husband and me of the character she plays.

Love the not in a blue moon line.
Tracy Fabre Jan 4, 2009, 6:48pm UTC
Good stuff, toots.
debra g. Jan 4, 2009, 10:49pm UTC
Have a great gather day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Glitter Graphics

Animal Glitter
Curt L. Jan 4, 2009, 11:31pm UTC
LOL! Gotta be a 10! :-)
Pepsie J. Jan 5, 2009, 6:37am UTC
It's Mrs. Bookay to you!
Debra C. Jan 5, 2009, 10:41am UTC
Have you seen the half hour bio PBS does of her occasionally during pledge drives? It lists the breadth of her talents and has a fabulous solo (singing) appearance.
Sandi S. Jan 5, 2009, 10:50am UTC
Hyacinth is so funny!
Rose Hill Jan 6, 2009, 9:53am UTC
You and Hyacinth are both a riot:)
Wade A. Jan 7, 2009, 1:26pm UTC
Good stuff! I like "Last of the Summer Wine" too.
Dena Straughn Jan 8, 2009, 1:44am UTC
Road kill, and no date. Hmm.
Wilma M. Jan 16, 2009, 12:05am UTC
Great monologue.

I'm not familiar with that show as I rarely ever watch TV but my daughter loves British shows. I'm sure she and her husband are familiar with it.

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