While as a Nation there are several things we disagree upon like politics, religion and the cause of global warming. I think everyone can agree that we all feel love, we all want to be loved and we all need love. Now there are many kinds of love, there is love for God, there is the love we have for family; mother, father, siblings. There is love for our children and then there is love between two people, who have committed their lives to each other. Whether it is a married couple or two domestic partners, there is still a covenant made between the two who love each other which is considered to be sacred and binding. This is the love I would like to pose a question about.
I have noticed through out my years from several different observations, that some (not all) people who are "in love" or in a "relationship" or "married" betray that love and commitment by having an affair. They step out on their relationship with another person who is not their spouse, nor their significant other.
I know this is one of the oldest problems known to men and women. And I know in general people do not like to speak of such things, but I would like to know your thoughts. Why do men and women cheat? If you truly love some one why do you seek love outside of that relationship? I have my own thoughts on the subject but would like to know your thoughts.
I understand we are all human. I know temptation will always be there. I understand feeling alive and being in the moment. But I do not know of any affair that helped a relationship, it usually ruins the relationship and the trust. So why do something that is known to complicate life later and hurt people you love?
I am not here to judge or bash anyone. I know there are good people out there who have made a mistake and really love their spouse but fell to a moment of weakness. I know some people (personal acquaintances) who are guilty of infidelity and they are really good people. They love their families, they work hard to provide for their family but perhaps they just dealt with whatever was going on in their lives the wrong way.
I do not think having an affair is ever the answer to any problem, it is always going to complicate matters and hurt some one.
So are people cheating simply because they can? Simply because they want what they want? Is it possible to love (really love) more than one person at a time? Can you really love your spouse and your outside lover equally? I do not think that is right. I think that is a perversion of love and is only beneficial to the one who is cheating.
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Comments: 12
I don't care the excuse, at least in my circumstance I don't. I was faithful and I believed in being faithful. The second marriage when it happened, I lost all faith. Sad, but true.
I understand you question, yet I'm not sure there is an easy answer.
I think many women report cheating when they are no longer "in love" with their partner. But what does that mean? I've found it to mean that when the "newness" wears off some people look for that "excitement" again. And instead of looking to create that with their partner they look for some else.
Other people cheat due to having the opportunity and feeling they will not be caught.
Unfortunately, aspects of our society teach men that can not be satisfied with one woman for 40+ years.
I think that infidelity is somewhat common--though I don't think it's as unabashedly plentiful, as we are all led to believe.
It is somewhat common for, I think, the following reasons:
Risk-taking behavior is exciting; or
Sex, without commitment, can be more exciting--than sex with commitment; or
A partner or spouse has alienated (justified or not) the adulterer, prior to the adultery. This alienation is likely to have been going on for a long time; or
The couple's sex life has become stagnant, stale, or boring--and neither knows what to do about it; or
One of the partners has never, ever, been wired (psychologically, maybe even biologically) successfully, for monogamy; or
One of the partners has a low tolerance for some dissatisfaction or or has too high of a standard for fulfillment or expectation; or
One of the members has a physical issue or psychological issue that is interfering with his or her, sex life--and he, or she, believes that it can be ameliorated by seeking a lover; or
One, or the other spouse, or partner, will refuse to engage in honest, direct, and open emotional communication; or
Deep-rooted religious beliefs may discourage a vibrant sex life in marriage--but the partner, in full denial about this, seeks adultery to have it both ways (or else the other partner, whose chastity is involuntary, seeks the lover); or
Childhood experiences [I am not a psychiatrist] may very well play a role in whether a man or a woman can be faithful, within a long-term relationship that is supposed to be a committed relationship
and, finally, the one reason that no one ever wants to admit, concede, or talk about:
The adulterer no longer considers his, or her, partner sexually attractive. [Of course, that doesn't mean that everyone else, who is part of the human race, would agree, with the adulterer, on this point.]
Obvisouly there can be a combination of reasons and complex factors going on. NOT an easy issue. That goes without saying it, but I said it.....
You are funny, silly and I understand what you say. But why would you turn away? Don't you want to meet some one wonderful one day? Aren't you single? You will still go to heaven you know if you meet that perfect woman in the Kroger. :)
On another note, I know everyone has their own mechanism or system in dealing with such things. Thanks for reading and responding.
Wow! Thank you for your thoughtful and well written response! I do appreciate that. I bet you would make a wonderful Professional Counselor or Social Worker, if that is not already your profession. :)
You present many reasons and points to ponder. I think I really needed to hear that. Although I did not want to admit some of those points. I like how you said some people are just not "wired" to be monogamous. That would seem to be the case with some. I also believe that there has to be an emotional disconnect between the couple as you mentioned. There may be a combination of complex factors and reasons, that is true, good point Brett. But I do not want to believe, (even though it is true) that it is also purely about sex, excitement and attraction for some people. Haven't we evolved more than that? I mean we walked on the moon, we split the atom, are we still so carnal and superficial that it all boils down to sex, excitement and whether or not the person has put on a few pounds or is getting older? People risk love and marriage for sex and excitement, I guess it is true. That is unfortunate, people who do that should perhaps not marry if they are inclined to sleep with everyone who is sexier, younger and more exciting than their spouse. Marriage and relationships require work, dedication and some times sacrifice.
So in a nutshell, it is a problem that the adulterer has within themselves and the person who was cheated on should not feel it was entirely their fault.
Thank you Brett. You are awesome! :)
Usually, I think, it is no way near, as much the fault of the partner, scorned--but, unfortunately, it is that individual, who normally plays the "heavy": The rejected partner instinctively blames himself, or herself, more, sometimes, much more, than is warranted.
Of course, some of us, I think, are programmed to pick the wrong partner for our personal lives. Not all of us, of course, but some....
Feelings of rejection are not cliches; they're incredibly painful emotions.
The word "rejection" has such a stigma connected to it--that we are almost programmed to feel ashamed if we feel that emotion, as if we should be shunned, if we do feel it or experience it......
The late Floyd Paterson, the former heavyweight champion of the world, would wear a disguise after he would lose a nationally televised fight--in order to avoid humiliation (of course, in his defeat, he'd pick up some pretty good coin).
But, of course, though I am new to gather.com, it is my understanding that gather.com was originally conceived for writers and others in the Arts.
I'm one of those writers--and we writers and others in the Arts, certainly know what rejection is all about: It comes with the territory!
Funny thing is, sometimes we "artistes" think we have cornered the market on rejection.
The Truth is, if you're human, sooner or later, you've pretty much cornered the market on rejection--at least temporarily.
Oh, and by the way: Yes, since I am a member of the human race, and therefore, I've both rejected and have been rejected....
A writer, that would have been my third guess! I should have known.
Do not feel bad about the rejection. I do not think writers have cornered the market on rejection, we all have a share in that. I admire writers and wanted to be a writer once. I wish you luck on your endeavors. I am sure what you have written is very good. I am glad you are persevering. I submitted a few writings (poems only) to a few contests and literary journals but they were rejected. Every one has felt the pain of rejection either in work, love, writing or something. I have also been rejected and have rejected, such is life for every one I suppose.
Rejection is hard to deal with that is true, it is after all very personal. It is "our self" that the other person or employer or publishing company does not desire, so they must see something undesirable in us, that is very personal and it hurts.
But we must remind ourselves that no one adds to or takes away from our value!
thank you Brett!
Anna del C.
Author of "The Silent Warrior Trilogy"
http://www.annadelc.com
in any event thank you for commenting ! :)