The Eyeglass Paradox: Analysis of Real World Implications [Humor]

The Eyeglass Paradox: A predominantly human condition wherein the process and ability to find one's eyeglasses is severely hindered due to the lack of availability of the eyeglasses for which you are searching.

My eyeglasses were missing.  I don't wear them all that often, because I'm more of a "contact lens guy."  You know, the sort of guy you see at "the club" with a sweater over his shoulders and tied around his neck... looking for all the world like he is posing for a photo shoot even though he just played 2 hours of tennis.  Yeah, that's the guy.  Mind you, I don't have his perfectly tousled hair (I don't have much in the way of hair these days.)  And I don't play tennis (people keep hitting the ball away from me!  What's up with that?)  Also, I generally won't wrap sweater over my shoulders because it tends accentuate my manboobs when the sleeves drape down in the vicinity of my "man cleavage."  Just sayin'...)  Actually, I guess I'm not really a "contact lens guy" except for the fact that I usually wear contact lenses rather than glasses.  (I guess the marketing guys got it wrong?)

I was searching high and low for my eyeglasses, because I had just placed my contacts into a cleaning solution and they needed four hours or so to do the job properly.   If you don't need corrective lenses, you probably can't appreciate the challenge presented by the search process.   In my case, at least, I'm fully able to make out reasonably sized objects with my unaided eye.  This includes things like the following:  trees, cars, buildings, walls, sofas, recliners, large animals, etc.

What I cannot do is differentiate objects that are too small to make this list from the background blur.  A reasonably sized cat could spend an entire lifetime on my sofa and I probably wouldn't know it if not for my corrective lenses.  (I don't own any cats, so this would be quite a surprise indeed!)  Similarly, items such as car keys, wallets, nosehair trimmers, etc. tend to mysteriously disappear when I remove my contact lenses.  Of course, eyeglasses are perfectly suited to this phenomenon, because they are relatively small, they are often irregular in shape (as in not square or circular or rectangular) and they are not "solid" like a box.  The even have lenses in them the cause the lightwaves around them to curve!  Einstein figured out the notion of a "gravitational lens" one day when he was trying to find his eyeglasses.  (Okay, I don't know this for a fact but it just makes sense, doesn't it?)

My point is this:  eyeglasses are a pain in the keister to find.  So, I gave up searching for them.  I was running out of time and about to go on a walk with a friend. So, I figured I would wing it.  (I wouldn't be driving, after all.)

A few minutes later, I met my friend out in front of the apartment building, and we began walking and chatting. Since it was early evening, the light was starting to fade as the sun lowered below the horizon.  We had walked for ten minutes or so, and dusk was upon us.  A block or so down the way, I interrupted our chat and said "Hi!" to a small figure sitting near the end of a driveway on the other side of the street.  My friend looked at me quizzically because obviously I wasn't addressing her.   I smiled and nodded in the direction of the small child sitting on the curb across the street, the one who had been watching us the entire time as we approached on the street.   I was surprised that she hadn't seen the child as well, and rather amused that she could have missed something so obvious.  (Maybe my eyes were better than I give myself credit for!)

My friend began laughing hysterically, which surprised me.  After all, a small child might think they were being laughed at!  My friend is normally a very thoughtful and considerate sort, so this was really quite odd and out of character.  Only then--with my friend's guidance--did I realize that I had just greeted a garbage bag (a very well-behaved one at that!) and done so with true Minnesota Nice enthusiasm.

I learned a lesson that day, something that I carry with me even now... no matter how busy we are in the hustle and bustle of our daily lives, we can always take a moment to stop and greet the garbage.  I hope you'll be inspired to spread the word...

My work here is done.