Re-Post: My New Year's Resolutions!

Here are my new year's resolutions, in no particular order:

• I'm going to phone all my ex-girlfriends and apologize for calling them so much.

• I'm going to stop attacking people who tell "You must be a redneck" jokes.

• I'm going to stop paying too much for my groceries and start stealing them instead.

• I'm going to cut down on the time I spend spying on my neighbors.

• I'm going to learn how to play guitar and start serenading my co-workers everyday

• I'm going to lessen the amount of time I spend watching the woman who works in the Chinese restaurant from 24/7 to 24/5.

• I'm going to try to remind myself why I needed a Master's degree.

• I'm going to readjust my attitude so that my boring and nowhere job is just boring or nowhere, not both.

• I'm going to visit the Mexican embassy and present my plan for illegal immigration.

• I'm going to find out once and for all who that guy is who sleeps on my patio.

• I'm going to stop phoning the White House and pretending to be Juan Valdez.

• I'm going to stop sending my supervisor at work packages with clocks in them.

• I'm going to visit Canada, just to say I did it.

• I'm going to move to L.A. and finally commit myself to stalking a particular celebrity. She knows who she is.

• I'm going to publish my first book with an idiot publisher who screws everything up causing people to not buy it. Oops, sorry, that was one of my 2007 resolutions.

• I'm going to start watching more MTV to get in touch with the kids.

• I'm going to launch my campaign for president, just so I can get federal matching funds.

• I'm going to relive my halcyon days of elementary school.

• I'm going to get a wireless phone with Internet access so I can stay on Gather all the time.

• I'm going to open an account on MySpace pretending to be a perky, blonde, sixteen-year-old girl who has decided she doesn't like boys.

• I'm going to sneak into presidential debates and constantly yell, "free bird!"

• I'm going to work on improving my relationship with Snoop Dog.

• I'm going to look up that kid I shot in ninth grade, just to let him know I'm thinking of him.

• I'm going to finally disown my relatives who live in the trailer park. Except for cousin Wilhelmina. I've always liked her.

• I'm going to get in touch with my feminine side then chase it away with a stick.

• I'm going to make a concerted effort to learn the names of all my friends.

• I'm going to return to my old high school to show the kids what an education from there will get them.

• I'm going to stop calling urban radio stations and requesting Hank Williams.

• I'm going to find out for sure if Elvis is still alive.

• I'm going to stop settling disputes by smashing people's car windows.

• I'm going to try to find an appreciation for ska. No, just kidding.

• I'm going to go to teen hangouts and claim that I'm eighteen but led a really hard life.

• I'm going to track down all my enemies and wreak vengence on them. Then I'll invite them back to the house for coffee.

• I'm going to open an auto detailing shop then when people bring me their cars, I'll sell them on the black market.

• I'm going to spend less time at Kroger wandering the aisles and asking people if they're my daddy.

• I'm going to finally send those photos I took during Spring break to a certain someone's wife, unless of course he pays me $10,000.

• I'm going to continue to live my life and stop worrying if my past will catch up to me.

• I'm going to send an anonymous note to the family whose house I blew up explaing everything.

• I'm going to become an Internet superstar named CoCo.

  And last but not least:

• I'm going to contact authorities and tell them what I did with all that money.

What are some of your resolutions?