by Chana M.
Member since:
June 6, 2008

On Depression

December 23, 2008 05:30 PM UTC (Updated: June 07, 2009 03:30 PM UTC)
views: 0 | comments: 44

On Depression

I am not writing this as a pity party, though it might seem like it. I just want to explain some things about chronic depression. Please make any comments pertinent to the article.

I guess I will officially come out of the closet (no not that closet, the other one). I suffer from chronic depression, for some of you that will not come as a surprise. I also suffer from stress/panic disorder and insomnia. That is why I sometimes disappear from Gather, one of the reasons I have a hard time keeping up and I think one of the reasons I have a hard time responding to things I read or images I look at. There is one poet in particular on Gather that I had a really hard time with and it took me a really long time to figure out it was because she touched a place deep down inside me. A place that I am not comfortable with. People like me feel very uncomfortable talking about these things. People like me worry that other people will think we are weird, strange, dangerous, scary (etc.) or maybe it is catching so we try not to talk about these things. There are two people who I like very much on Gather right now that are struggling as I am with depression. I can't talk about why they are struggling because it is for them to say. I can tell you why I am right now.

(1.) I went through the breakup of what I thought was a close relationship recently (this happened on a different site, but there are Gatherers on that site) and now I am being told by others that the other person is harassing people to take their side and calling people I care about foul names. I think I have come to terms with the fact that the relationship is over. I wish nothing but the best for this person and pray they find their happiness. So that is not what is bothering me. What bothers me is from what I hear that person is making up lies about me to get people to hate me, and her lies are hurting friends, people I care about. I cannot condone this type of behavior. Plus its true, I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and when someone I care for hurts then I hurt too.

(2.) I get the feeling some of my Gather friends that are/were on that site have cooled toward me because of all the mess in number one. I miss them. One of them in particular Autumnrose I really miss.

(3.) We don't have heating oil and it is freaking cold around here. The social services people say we make to much money to get energy assistance. We are both on Social Security so we are on a fixed income. We are doing the best we can with some space heaters and a kerosene (sp?) heater until January, but the way this place is wired we really can't run that many. It is also not tightly sealed. There is a program that starts in January and I am hoping we can get some heating oil through that program.

(4.) A lot of people may not think this is important, but it is to me. My cat Scarlett has disappeared. She hasn't been going out since she was attacked and lost most of her front teeth. She is a really sweet and loving cat toward us and all the others. I am worried about her and really miss her.

(5.) The anniversary of my father's death is on the twenty-sixth.

(6.) I am having problems with the doctor over my sleep medication.

For people who don't suffer from chronic depression I am sure these things would be hard to go through. For those of us who have chronic depression sometimes it can mean the difference between life and death. Not me, I made a solemn oath and I really hate to break promises. There are times when sufferers are depressed and don't even know why they are depressed. People ask what is wrong and you cannot explain it. That makes it worse. If you are physically ill you can normally explain what hurts, so why can't you explain what is hurting you at times when the depression sets in? A lot of people edge away from people who have these problems. I guess it could be fear. Fear that the person with the problem might be violent because they have a mental illness, or fear of something else. I am not sure. I have known many people who suffer from chronic depression that are not violent at all. I guess in that respect we are the same as anyone else, some of us are violent and some of us are not. I am actually a pacifist. I did snap at someone a couple of weeks ago who really hurt me, the first time in years that I have behaved (in any way, but this was in writing) in that manner. So on the whole we are very much like people who do not suffer from this disease, because it is a disease.

If treated with the correct medication most sufferers can lead a fairly normal life, they can have jobs etc. Some can't. The hard part is finding the correct medication to treat it for your body chemistry and then keeping an eye on it to make sure it continues to work. I had a problem with a medication I used to take. It stopped working. I told the doctor but I may as well have been talking to a wall. Eventually I went into the hospital, had a great doctor there who changed my medication, and so far it is working pretty good. It is the difference between getting up every morning and wanting to cease to exist and getting up every morning and knowing that you can find good things from that day. Which to me is a big difference.

I think its probably hard at times to deal with those of us who suffer from chronic depression. If you know people who suffer from these diseases please don't cut them out of your life. Try to understand that most of them are trying, that they want to be happy people and lead happy lives. That is it generally a chemical imbalance that they were born with and that is not their fault. We wish people to understand and not be judgemental about this disease, but not be defined by it. We all have things about us that are different and I don't think any of us wish to be defined by that one thing. So if you suffer from chronic (or non-chronic) depression I do care. For the rest of you I hope by doing this I have helped your understanding of it.

I would like to add two songs one each for my two friends that are having problems with depression right now.

 

 

Don't Dream It's Over
Crowded House (Neil Finn)

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me

Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and release
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
You know that we won't let them win
Don't ever let them win 

I Will Survive

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll survive
I will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

 

I hope you get something from these songs. Don't dream its over because you will survive, and it can get better. There is light, love and happinesss in the world. Try to find one thing, at least one thing, everyday that makes your life rich and brings blessings to you and those that you love.

Oh, and I have decided to take the wise woman's advice and not loose my joi de vive. (I hope I spelled that correctly.)

Comments: 44

Peter Joseph Swanson Dec 23, 2008, 5:33pm UTC
You have a full plate.

I hope you wear a hat to bed to stay warm (heck, wear it all day, too).

I haven't heard anybody say anything mean about you. I hope I never do.

Keep at it with the inspirational tunes !!!
kelldogg ! Dec 23, 2008, 5:36pm UTC
awe hon! i've been there! i actually wrote an article not too long ago about my battle with depression . . . it's a hard thing to talk about but just know that you are not alone!
JustMe ~I'm happy to be~ Dec 23, 2008, 5:40pm UTC
Chana - You have a lot that you are going through and you don't have to feel that you are pitying yourself. When there is a lot going on, there is a lot going on. Simple as that. You seem to me to be a very strong woman that will find her way through this difficult period. Chronic depression is real and needs to be treated as a medical condition.

I offer this site that a fellow Gatherer told me about. The music is to help people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, especially involving personal assault, but the music is known to be very healing: http://www.pandys.org/survivingthememories/songs1.html

Shema Israel, Hashem Elohaynu, Hashem Echad. (I always say the Shema to myself when I need some extra strength).

xxxx
Sue T. Dec 23, 2008, 5:43pm UTC
I'm sorry you've been feeling depressed, Chana. This time of year is especially difficult since it's the time we remember people who we love or loved but who are not around anymore. Hopefully, this new medication will be the right one and you'll be back on track.

These are two great songs that you've posted. They're both very powerful and emotional.
Ashley B. Dec 23, 2008, 5:44pm UTC
Been there. I've never been formally diagnosed, but it's inevitable...runs int he family, and there are times when I've felt depressed for months on end. It must be cold for you. I got irked with my electric bill this month with electric heat---85 bucks! and I only heat it up to 50 degrees!
.* Sandi * Dec 23, 2008, 5:48pm UTC
hugs!!!
and more hugs
Lesli B. Dec 23, 2008, 5:50pm UTC
I am bipolar. I deal with chronic depression as well as the manic highs. I also suffer from panic disorder. I can't say I officially have insomnia, since I am bipolar not sleeping is extremely common. I can relate to what you say, and what you are going through. Several of the things you are going through would be enough to send me out of control. I am well medicated, but sometimes, keeping a hold of things is still difficult.

We will survive, and there is light and happiness, we just occasionally need a reminder. Thanks for giving me one today.

The wise woman gives good advice don't loose your joi de vivre!

Blessing to you!!!
Chana M. Dec 23, 2008, 5:56pm UTC
Peter, I thought you would rib me because of my commentb on disco a couple of months ago. This song is different and Gloria Gaynor really belts it out!

Kellgogg!, Me, Sue and Asley thank you. I have been dealing with this probably all my life. I am resigned to the fact that it will not go away like a cold. I think there are lots of people on Gather just like me. I wanted to do two things here (1.) reach out to others like me who suffer from chronic depression and let them know they are not alone and should not be embarrassed. I will be honest writing this was a bit scary. And (2.) letting those who do not suffer from it know we are pretty much like anyone else and there is nothing to fear from us, well nothing more than anyone else.
Brenda (square peg in a round hole) H. Dec 23, 2008, 5:59pm UTC
Sending a big hug your way Chana. I hope your cat comes back. I truely understand the heartache that can cause.
Dame Ruth, Chief Executive Elitist D. Dec 23, 2008, 6:01pm UTC
Thank you for posting to this group whose only purpose is to thank you for posting to this group.
Chana M. Dec 23, 2008, 6:05pm UTC
Lesli and Keith stay strong. You are never alone. I belong to another site and we have a group called Everyday Is A Gift where you can go and share something good in your life for that day. I think that one thing does help. It's not alot, but it can help you to hang on and give you joy for that day.
Patricia J. Dec 23, 2008, 6:12pm UTC
Chana, I too suffer from chronic depression brought on by my Fibromyalgia. I have a problem with anxiety/panic attacks as well. I spent a whole year not able to leave my house because of it. My depression has changed over the 27 years that I have had it to one that causes auditory and visual hallucinations so I have to take another medication for that problem. I have gone through 3 bouts of suicidal tendencies and finally am on medication that makes me feel human again. I even drove to New York to meet my online friend with no serious consequences. My friends know I have these problems and have stuck by me. I see no difference in you now that I know you have a problem with depression, in fact it answers a lot of questions I have had concerning some of the things you have said here. I guess it takes one to know one. I hope you continue to do well with your medication and that the time of year doesn't become too depressing for you. I can understand your problems and sympathize with you.
Chana M. Dec 23, 2008, 6:30pm UTC
Patricia, you just prove my point that we are like anyone else. I used to go to ACOA (also called ACA) meetings. It means Adult Children of Alcoholics but basically it is for people who grew up in disfunctional homes. Some of the people before the meetings started seemed so normal and then they would share and you would see that they were just like you were. It's hard for people, you feel so alone, like a misfit. To me you seem normal. But then again what is normal really?
Chana M. Dec 23, 2008, 6:32pm UTC
Oh, for anyone that is interested ACOA is still around. I websearched it and they do have a website where you can find out where they have meetings and get more information on that organiztion. I recommend it highly. It really helps.
Howard b. Dec 23, 2008, 6:46pm UTC
Hey there Chana. This is a very bad time for depression. I know. I just bought my wife socks and underware for her christmas present. Yahoo. That is depresssing. I have 4 dollars left. Merry christmas. It is a bad time to end a relationship. Even if you think the other person is better off.Why stay in a relationship that doesn.t work.I'm sorry you are having trouble with your friends because of it. But these problems will work their way out.
Thats a promise. They always do. I hope that you might get into another relationship.
One that works for you.I don't know you . But you don't seem to scare me . at least
not yet. I find that I am getting mad a lot lately. I don't mean too. But I do. short tempered.
so to speak. I hope all works out for you. I too know what it is yo do with out.
It has been a very bad year for us as well as a lot of people. My wife as been in the hospital 10 times this year. She went blind for a month and a half. I had to quit my job to care for her.I can't get unemployment for that. Oh ,It's pending. But I know what the final word will be. North Carolina needs get up to date on a lot of things. I do hope your life gets better. What I'm saying is there are a lot of people that get depressed. more than you know.You are not the only one in this boat. Try and have a merry Christmas.
Chana M. Dec 23, 2008, 7:24pm UTC
Here are some suggestions for people who are in the same (or similar) situation Howard is in. Have you applied for Social Security? If not do it. It takes some time to process it and they generally deny you the first time you apply (just re-apply), but it might come through. For disability it depends on her work quarters, for SSI it does not.

Also try going to your local social services/welfare (whatever they call it there) office. You might be able to find help there. Most states will give you food stamps and depending on the family income/assets a cash allowence.

I also wrote an article about a couple of programs that might help with your utlities http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?articleId=281474977526442 You might also want to check out an organization called Angel Food Ministries. You don't have to be religious or even Christian to use it and it gives you a good value for food. Here is one link http://www.gather.com/viewArticle.jsp?memberId=498334&articleId=281474977190477 and there are other articles listed in the upper right hand of the page that might give you more information. I know people who have used their program and they were very happy with it. There are programs out there to help people the problem is finding them.
DIANE D. Dec 23, 2008, 8:17pm UTC
Chana, Itruely know what you are going through~First, my best freind killed herself, 6 months later, 3 of 4 of my stepchildren and their mother died in a fire, then, my Mother died, father followed her. This was all within a time of 18 months. To top it off, I was dealing with a extreaming abusive husband, and stayed with him , feeling sorry for him,~then I woke up. There are alot of anti-depressants out there, some may work, they made me feel worse. I will be dealing with the anxiety the rest of my life.I will be taking Zanax the rest of my life. Hand it over to your higher power~He never gives you more than you can handle, HUGS~
DIANE D. Dec 23, 2008, 8:17pm UTC
Oh, Happy Hannika~
Nancy L. Dec 23, 2008, 8:33pm UTC
Chana-

I'm sure it was not fun for you to write this post. You really put yourself out there with this and you were very brave to do so. I can't imagine why people on another site would try to stir up trouble, but they must have miserable lives if that's what they choose to do with their time. I know it's easy for me to say, but consider the source and try to let it go. You can't control what others choose to do and anyone who knows you will not be swayed by their lies.

I am not chronically or clinically depressed, but that doesn't mean I have never felt depressed and I know people who are on medication for depression. As a general rule, I would never walk away from someone because they were depressed, but I did have to once. A co-worker and friend who was depressed and abused her medication was monopolizing my life for months on end. She expected me to hang out with her exclusively, paged me 7-8 times a day (including weekends) and sometimes as soon as I left work (before I even got to my car), showed up at work to "keep me company" on the weekends when I went in to get work done because she prevented me from completing work during the week by calling and threatening to kill herself repeatedly... I ended up going to the company therapist, in tears, after I went to my boss and he suggested moving her desk close to mine "so I could keep an eye on her". I could not handle the stress of the situation and the responsibility for her that my boss was unfairly dumping on me, and she could not see how her behavior was impacting my health, even after I told her so.

I'd rather know if someone I'm dealing with has this kind of illness so I can consider that when things happen, but it's hard to know if the other person realizes that sometimes it truly is overwhelming for a friend or co-worker.
Chana M. Dec 23, 2008, 8:56pm UTC
Sharon, Thanks for the additional information. It can be so hard to find out about these programs, and when you need it you need it. I know people feel uncomfortable about asking for help but they should try not to. That is what they are there for.

Nancy, I know what you are saying. and I don't blame you one bit. When it comes down to issues like personal safety or your personal sanity you have to do what is best for you. This person obviously had very serious issues that you could not handle and it was effecting your psychological (and probably physical) health trying to deal with them. If I feel I am in a crises mode there are people I can call to help me, that is their job. I can also talk to Hubby because he has been there done that, so he understands. I have been in relationships that were all about the other person. I knew someone for five years and I finally had to tell her that I just needed her to leave me alone. She had a very negative pattern and I just got to the point where I just could not deal with it anymore. I felt bad about it, but psychologically I was better off. I didn't hate her for her negative behaviors (I don't think I have the hate gene) I just could not deal with it anymore. I think in almost any relationship you have there are times when you need to set boundries and stick to them.
Angela A. Dec 23, 2008, 9:03pm UTC
I know exactly what you are going through.
I've been depressed since high school. I haven't taken any medication for it though.
I've never had enough money to do so. I've dealt with all my problems on my own. It can get very stressful doing so. But, sometimes you have no choice.
When you have very little people to talk to, and no real support. You have to lift yourself up.
My hubby doesn't understand, and never will. He's sick with Ulcerative Colitis or bleeding ulcers in his colon. He does feel pain, he does feel sick.. But, all in all, he still has a smile on his face, even when he's in the hospital.
I take one look at him, and want to fall apart. I keep asking, "why me?"
Why do I keep having bad stuff happen to me?
Every time, I feel the least bit happy, bad things always come. And, I can't seem to handle it...
It's a struggle every day just for me to get up out of bed.
But, I do so, and I eat, I get dressed, I face another day.
So, I feel for you Chana.
And, wish that for Christmas, you will have a sense of peace.
Bless you, dear.
And, Happy holidays!
Jean R B. Dec 23, 2008, 9:24pm UTC
Merry Christmas HO! HO! HO!
Thanks for posting to Happy People
http://happypeople.gather.com/
Donna S. Dec 23, 2008, 9:32pm UTC
**** BIG HUGS*****
Ariel Storm Dec 23, 2008, 9:58pm UTC
Chana, you have so many things going on right now. Its frustrating to be on a limited income and barely scrape by yet make too much to be eligible for various assistance programs. Hopefully one of the resources Sharon listed will be able to help you. Its like a constant drain on you. I've never heard a bad word said about you. Scarlett must know the love you have for her and will do her best to return to you. I know how easy it is despite the proper meds slip into the familiar black hole of depression. And how bad it can be when the drug cocktail suddenly stops working for you. I will take my cue from Gloria Gaynor and will survive :)
Tracy Fabre Dec 23, 2008, 11:40pm UTC
Education about depression is so important -- there are still too many people who think "you can just snap out of it". I have several employees who suffer from depression and I have actually learned to "diagnose" them myself, and adjust my behavior as a supervisor, which I HOPE helps both of us.

"Better living through chemistry" is sometimes an essential for normal life -- though like you said, "what's normal"?

Keep educating, Chana -- the more people who understand, the better.
Lisa Frost Bailey Dec 24, 2008, 12:19am UTC
Hugs Chana. All we can do is try to help people understand the things we are trying to recover from. I posted an article this evening on Social Anxiety because I saw somebody say they doubted it really existed. I guess if you havent experienced something it is harder to feel in some cases.
Chana M. Dec 24, 2008, 12:32am UTC
Angela, I tried to answer you earlier but my computer was starting to have fits. There are so many programs to help people out there. Maybe there is a mental health clinic close by. If you need help trying to figure it out I am (not to part my own back) a pretty good researched and would be more than happy to help you try to find someplace that can help you. Sharon and I have also listed in the comments some programs that can help. I am sorry for the sad situation you and your family are in. I pray that both you and your husband can find a way to get better.
Chana M. Dec 24, 2008, 12:33am UTC
Connie, I am glad you have found comfort in your religion. There is alot of comfort to be found in religion if one can find the right people to connect to. When I talk to people who complain of being lonely and/or depressed I often recommend if they are Christian to find a good church to join. The feeling of communion with others can lift your spirit so.
Chana M. Dec 24, 2008, 12:35am UTC
Ariel, you are a dear. Thank you for coming by and commenting. We understand each other which comforts me and I hope comforts you. And you are right it is so hard to find the right drugs to work. And then sometimes they stop working and you have to start again. Those between times can be horrible,
Chana M. Dec 24, 2008, 12:35am UTC
Oh my yes it exists Lisa. There is no doubt in my mind that it exists. Hopefully with more information people will get a better understanding of all of these problems and then see the person and not the problem.
Yvonne R. Dec 24, 2008, 3:06am UTC
Thanks, Chana for the article and the songs. I wish I was as talented as you in being able to get these songs in your article. They were a very helpful touch. I suffer from situational depression off and on. I've been without a job for a little over a year and a half now. It's Christmas time and I miss my mother that died three years ago on December 13th. So, you guessed right. I'm in the middle of I don't want to get up in the morning. And, as you can see from the time I'm writing this, can't get to sleep at night. I have a bachelor degree in psychology, a master's in ministry with an emphasis in pastoral care and counseling and am working on a doctoral degree in biblical counseling. This started out as trying to figure some of my family out as many of them have manic depression and became a try to figure myself out, as well as trying to help others. Love, Peace.
Sandi S. Dec 24, 2008, 6:48am UTC
Hugs to you, Chana...

I like that Gloria Gaynor song! If I am not mistaken, she also battled (battles) depression. Her story is probably online somewhere. But she is pretty amazing (and so are you!)
Bruce K. Dec 24, 2008, 8:00am UTC
Best wishes. I appreciate your honest article and talking about your experiences.
Mary Bee Dec 24, 2008, 1:44pm UTC
Peter is right, your plate if full Chana...giving you a cyber hug seems a little inadequate ...
*LORA* M. Dec 24, 2008, 1:55pm UTC
I have been depressed for weeks now . Just got bad the last 3 weeks
Tracy A. Dec 24, 2008, 1:58pm UTC
I completely understand. I, myself suffered from depression for many years. With a good therapist and drugs, I eventually pulled through. I am no longer on the drugs and am only seeing my therapist once a month now. Be strong and know that it will get better.
Maurice K. Dec 24, 2008, 2:59pm UTC
I have suffered and continue to suffer from major depression and take more medications than I care to mention here to achieve a stable level. It isn't easy, and you really do have a full plate to deal with. You are not alone, and you have many people who care about you here on Gather. It is good that you find comfort in the songs you have mentioned; I also find music very comforting. And let me also wish you a chag Chanukah sameach!
Karen G. Dec 24, 2008, 3:33pm UTC
I have problems with depression too. I'm having a bout right now.
Kat W. Dec 24, 2008, 8:38pm UTC
Chana, I suffer from depression also so I understand the peaks, valleys and sleepless nights. I hope that your cat returns soon, I don't know what I would do without my dogs.
Christine K. Dec 24, 2008, 8:47pm UTC
Depression is very cunning. Before you know it you are there. It's seems that once you're in a state of depression then everything heaps up on you. I battle depression also. It's now fun. No matter what I say, I won't make it better. I do hope your kitty shows up and is ok. Animals are good therapy when you are depressed.
Austin Cushing Dec 24, 2008, 9:46pm UTC
This comment is to let you know that this content has reached at least ten comments, and as such has been removed from Comment Speedway! Congratulations, and Merry Christmas ... if that's okay!
kimberly g. Dec 26, 2008, 10:25am UTC
I have been where you are and have been. I always try to say to myself "Life can be worse or it can be better"
One Day at a Time.
May you find yourself and like yourself, forget others who have hurt you and look forward to those who are there for you.
Chana M. Dec 26, 2008, 1:27pm UTC
The generosity of spirit that can be found on Gather overwhelms me at times. Yes we can be less than generous at times, but we also come together as a real community, as a community should, and we do support each other. I think that is a magical thing. I am thinking of my friends who also suffer from depression and hoping that they are feeling better today. Thank you all for your words of wisdom and inspiration.
Josephine Osborn Mar 9, 2012, 5:14pm UTC
More insights are needed to better understand depression. People should need to be aware and considerate more on the perspective of depression patients. Otherwise, issues like lawsuits against Paxil may mean nothing to them. Depression is a serious disorder and the WHO pronounced that it is one of the leading causes of disability in the US.

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