That's all from me until next year so have a great holiday whatever you call it and however you celebrate.
Here are a few things to raise a smile:
Do you ever think how strange our attitude to alcohol is? Drink too much, it makes your vision blurred and turns your legs to jelly. Then you wake up with a hangover. Long term it destroys brain cells, weakens the heart, hardens arteries, burns stomach lining and rots your liver. Yet, when we raise a glass we say GOOD HEALTH.
A thief who steals a thousand dollars is a small time crook.
A theif who steals a million dollars is a serious criminal.
A thief who steals a billion dollars is a Government or a Corporation.
Saddam Hussein said his trial was too Western. What's his problem, in Western courts the rich people always get off.
The British Government have made smoking in the workplace illegal, the only exception is for laboratory animals.
People say you can't fool an honest man. Actually the people who say this usually make large fortunes out of fooling honest men.
No wonder George Bush is a technophobe. Look what happened when he based his Middle East strategy on "artificial" intelligence.
IMMORTAL ERROR:
A British research document released last week claimed smokers have a 50% chance of dying.
Get smoking everybody, you have a one in two shot at immortality.
Love is an emotion that can make bad people good and good people better.
A truck loaded with tortoises crashed into a train loaded with terrapins. The headlines read
"It's a turtle disaster."
Computers are not intelligent, they just think they are.
What I love doing more than anything is trying to pack my whole body in a small suitcase. Sometimes I can hardly contain myself.
The Philosopher said "what if the universe is truly meaningless and life is just a joke."
The comedian answered, "then we should make it a good one."
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
When I shuffle off this mortal coil I want to go the way my Grandad did, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming in terror like the other people in his car.
Don't you just love British bureaucrats...
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
I'd been waiting for my girlfriend for half an hour when a guy came up and said "while you've been standing there 2000 acres of rainforest have been destroyed."
I said, "I'm sorry, I'll move somewhere else."
I learned Iran's president Ahmadinejad is a fan of sixties rock music. There is nothing he likes better when relaxing than to listen to The Stones.................
as they thud into the bodies of innocent women.
Someone reminded me that in 2003 Prime Minister Tony Blair said Iraq would become a beacon in the middle east. So I looked up the word "beacon."
The dictionary said "a large burning heap"
Last Halloween night a zombie walked into my local pub and said to the barman "give me a stiff drink."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were feeling cold. One said "we could light a fire to warm us up," but when they did the little boat sank, which proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
We all live forever. Look at it this way, when you're dead you don't know anything. If we knew we were dead we would not be dead, so we must live forever.
From Talking Heads by Alan Bennett
Living is by far the best way to fill the gap between birth and death.
A game show question came up this week, "who wrote The Great Gatsy?"
My wife said "F Scott Fitzgerald."
I said why, what's he done to you?"
In a new book for pet lovers out this week a woman claims her dog is immortal. Reviewers say you can't put it down.
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A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them."
And several from Emo Phillips:
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
I read somewhere that 77 percent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.
Merger of Christmas and Hanukkah
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we''re told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.
Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.
One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful."