Dear T... 12/10/2008

Here is the first question that I received for my column.  I actually am doing this same column on another site and thought that I would use a question I received from that site...to give you an example of what questions you can submit.  Here is the reply I posted.  Though it may not be the same scenerio, many of you might be able to relate to it in some way.  Remember...  You can PM your questions to me, use a handle name and you confidentiality will remain safe.  I will pick one question everyday to answer.

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Dear T.,

Thanks for starting this advice column.  I think it's kind of a neat idea and a great way to get some advice without feeling embarrassed that someone else knows how we are feeling, even if it doesn't relate to anyone on this site.

I am a single mom and each week on Saturday afternoon's our church has a weekly local bible study for single mom's.  Our church offers free babysitting services during that time, to give us mom's a couple hours to bond with each other without having the kids under our feet.  For the most part, I really love being a part of this group.  I have developed a lot of close relationships.

We usually have a great time studying the bible and sometimes we will deviate from the schedule and have a luncheon or go do some shopping for a little fun.  During our last meeting right before Thanksgiving, we discussed our Christmas party.  We thought that for Christmas we would give gifts to everyone in the group, instead of drawing names and buying just one big gift, like we have in the past.  We decided to keep our gift prices to a minimum so everyone can participate.

Some of the ladies in our group mentioned last year, they wanted to buy something for the other ladies in our group and felt choosing just one name wasn't fun.  So this year we voted to forgo the one big nice gift and get everyone a little something and put a price limit on each gift.  Our group is small, so it did not come out to be too expensive.

To be honest, I was fine with the way we did it in the past, because all we had to worry about was just one person.  But some of the ladies, wanted to change it and so I went along with it, as did the other ladies.

Now here is the problem.  When we met last Saturday for our Christmas party, to my dismay and some of the others, only half of the group brought gifts for everyone.  It was a real let down for some of the ladies.  When we had the meeting before Thanksgiving, every one was so "gun-ho" and excited about the idea.  But unfortunately, not everyone kept their word and did as promised.  We thought by doing this before Thankgiving, it would give everyone enough time to shop in time for our Christmas party.

We got excuses from: I was too busy with the house, got distracted with the kids and time got away from me and so on.  Personally, I'm okay with not getting gifts from every lady in our group, even if they were less expensive.  But some of the ladies are furious and it's brought a lot of tension in our group and unkind feelings have developed between some of them.

I am just crushed over this whole matter and wished we had left things the way they were.  Why do people promise to get involved in something and then not follow through?  Don't they understand that they are letting the others in the group down when they do this?  It's a commitment they made to the rest of the group and many of the ladies went out their way to make everyone's Christmas meaningful.

Sadly, some of the ladies that didn't bring any gifts, got several from the ones that did.  And now the ones that purchased gifts for them, get nothing in return.  I know that Christmas is a season of giving and we shouldn't worry whether someone returns the favor or not.  But in our case, we committed to each other and now the whole thing is a mess.

My question to you is...  What can we do to mend fences?  Some of the ladies promised to go shopping and make it up to the ones they left out.  But unfortunately, a lot of feelings got hurt and you could feel the tension in the room, that you could cut it with a knife!  Needless to say, our last meeting did not go too well.  I am just simply hurt by the whole mess.

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Dear Simply Hurt,

Wow!  I can understand your frustration and feel your pain.  Unfortunately, when people don't follow through on their commitments to each other, it does bring about hurt to the ones they've let down and sometimes it can build a wall between those relationships, that only time can heal.

I agree with you.  Your group should have continued with the plans they had in the past.  My motto is:  If it's not broke...don't fix it.  People do for the most part, have good intensions and many times want to get involved with a project and/or group function and then realize later they committed beyond what they were capable of doing.

It could be that maybe some of the group members realized that their finances were too tight and were too embarrassed to tell anyone.  Sometimes, some folks have a weakness, which is that they tend to make promises too quickly and then let the everyday "busyness" of their lives be an excuse to keep from fulfulling them.

Most people and I am sure it holds true with your group, don't really mean to hurt those around them and as mentioned...do have good intensions when they make their commitments.  They get really enthusiastic about a project and/or event that is coming up and end up letting their emotions run away from them.  Regardless...not keeping their commitments is their responsiblity and you shouldn't let it burden you.  

Yes...  They should have followed through, because it was a group project.  But whether a commitment is made to a group or a single individual...all commitments should be followed through to the best of someone's ability.  Because it can deeply wound a relationship and sometimes even end friendships that have lasted for years.  And it was all due because of a commitment that was made based solely on emotions. 

That is why communication is the "main" key to healthy relationships.  Everyone of us makes mistakes, says things we didn't mean out of a momentary expression of anger and will blow it from time to time.  A simple "forgive me" and/or "I'm sorry" can go a long way and can bring much needed healing to a lot of broken hearts.  Yet...as simple as these words are to say...it is so hard for us to say them sometimes.  No one really understands all the reasons why some of us find it difficult to apologize...but we do.  It's like an old saying I heard a pastor mention in one of his sermons that stated..."Some people would rather be right...than reconciled."  Our stubborness can sometimes get in the way and cause a lot of damage in relationships.

My advice to you is...that in your next meeting, you should openingly talk about what happened and be careful not to pass blame so quickly.  Be opened minded and give people the benefit of the doubt until you hear all sides.  Get it out on the table and talk about the hurt feelings.  This will help in the healing process and make it easier to forgive those whom have hurt you.  It may take some time...but if this groups bond is as strong as I think it is and I believe that it is...you can and will get pass this issue and be able to move on and continue to enjoy your weekly meetings.

In the words of the late great Richard Carlson..."Life is too short to sweat the small stuff..."  And considering what has happened.  This is indeed small stuff, when it's measured up against your relationships with each other.  I hope this helps.