Relationships Over the Years: Doomed or Salvageable?

Relationships are complex and can be so unforgiving.  So many outside factors affect the way we feel about our self: aging, health, finances, career, friendships, family, loss, our physical appearance, whether we are living our dreams, or if there is some unrequited love or unfulfilled dreams and goals.  Then there is the fear of aging and of dying.  For many men, the loss of income, lessened sexual capability, retirement, and the sense of no longer being productive can weigh heavily upon them. 

Lately, I have been discovering a problem, especially for men, when they reach their mid-50's, 60's and older.  Many men have habitually avoided facing their emotional problems by spending money, having sex with their current partner or wife, having affairs, drinking alcohol, taking drugs, gambling, or even escaping through work, sports or male friendships.  The media portrays sexy, scantily clad young beautiful women - everywhere.  Many men feel that they are being deprived if they don't have access to such women.
And many men do have access to at visually and verbally through internet pornography sites and phone call chats.

When men get older and they no longer have the sexual prowess or financial means to escape their problems -- and -- if they stopped drinking and stopped taking drugs and they no longer have their habitual escapes --- they have to face their emotional problems that they have always avoided, stemming from early childhood.  Many men are not willing to do that because it might invalidate the way they have lived their life for so many years.  Even if they go for therapy, they may not fully let themselves reveal their inner truth.

So what happens in a relationship?  One person, usually the man, has not faced some underlying problem: fear, insecurity, shame, self-doubt, loss of self-esteem, inadequacy --but he has always had a way to mask his fear by escaping into some habitual pattern or activity.  And then that previous escape is not availalbe.  So -- he blames his partner or his wife.  She seems to be the cause of everything.  Instead of showing her the appreciation and tenderness she craves, he becomes increasingly distant and insensitive.

Many women have tolerated lot of stuff over the years.  But they had many escapes -- children, friendships, careers, shopping, decorating, interests, physical activities.  In the younger years, the partner or husband may have been very sexually attracted to her, so he showed his love with sexual attention.  If he earned good money, he also showed his love with money and maybe gifts and vacations.

But then, as they get older, he feels less sexual, he feels less attracted to her, she feels less sexual, she feels less attraction and less tolerance for him.  And then the finances are tighter and maybe he has retired and he's home more.

As we get older, we realize that our lives are finite.  Both men and women may be reevaluating their lives, thinking about what could have been and how they want the rest of their lives to be. 

An existential dilemma often occurs.  And not everyone even realizes this is happening.  They may just feel depressed, neglected, misunderstood, deprived, lonely, anxious, confused or sad. 

Life is a precious gift.  Relationships are also precious.  Each of us has a huge effect upon our partner, even if they don't appear to be affected by us.  This is where relationship counseling and life coaching can really make a difference.  Self-renewal, self-acceptance, self-acknowledgement and compassion for our self and our partner can bring two distant, non-communicating people back together again.