Are YOU The Jealous Type?

Yes and no. Jealousy is another card I play from time to time. Sometimes its a real emotion and sometimes its just another tool I use in my ongoing fight with Boyfriend, the bastard.

I have to fight jealous "twinges", and i have caught myself saying things that made no sense, or were unfair a time or two, but as a general rule, I don't do it. I know what jealousy can do. There is one other category of people who are incredibly jealous, the cheaters. My first husband was always accusing me of things, and it turned out it was because he knew the lies he was telling and what he was doing. I know it is my time with twerp, and my own mothers jealousy(she would take us in the car, and go looking for dad to make sure he was where he was supposed to be, etc...) that makes me try to watch my own emotion. I try to figure out where it is coming from, and deal with it on that level. I grew up with one of the worlds most outrageous flirts (sorry Missy, you know it is true) and know how little she meant by it, so I have gotten better about not letting things like that get to me, and even learning to have fun with flirting too!

Harper ~ Oh so you mean that sometimes you are serious about being jealous and sometimes it is a ploy to have him think that you are jealous?

Very interesting. I would imagine that you have your reasons for doing so.

(I thought you weren't calling him a ba*t*rd anymore??)

Lisa ~ I completely understand how a family member or a parent can instill in us some sort of feelings of inemptness which in turns makes us feel insecure and develop low self esteem.

That type of person who goes out to look for their significant other is feeling what she/he is feeling because sometimes it can be described as intuition and sometimes it is just being jealous.

I know what it is like to have jealous men in my life. When I was 17, I had a boyfriend who when we were out anywhere, shopping, a movie, anywhere and some guy would look at me he would ask them what the heck were they looking at. He also punched me in the kidney one time when I waved at a man who drove by my Parents home who was my Mother's softball coach.

Now I have been with a man (who I am on the outs with) that I have been with for eight years. In the beginning the jealousy was cute but over the course of the last few years the jealousy and accusations have gotten so unbearable that I used to cry all of the time. Then I went through a phase of trying to fight with him for his accusations and now finally I am at the stage where I just blow him off when he makes the accusations about me doing this or that.

As I mentioned above, he has made so many accusations that I have seriously contemplated having an affair. The thing that keeps me from doing it is my upbringing and my not wanting to do something to someone that I would not want to have done to me.

I think that I will bide my time and make my escape as soon as I can as there is no life without trust.

have you thought about asking him to go to counseling Esther ?

J.W. ~ Yes, but he tells me that he doesn't need to see anyone. The thing is when he drinks he is unbearable but when he doesn't he and I get along like two peas in a pod. Much to my pleasure he has stopped this behaviour 75% of the time now and has only been having a beer with dinner or while watching football on television.

I can only pray for the best and be optimistic.

I have told my Kids and Grandkids to never think because somone shows Jealousy that it's a good thing.It does not mean someone loves you,It means they wish to control you.
It can and I have seen it with friends,become a very dangerous relationship.

No I am not the jealous type.

I'm not the jealous type. Plus, it's a deadly sin for a reason.

not really, just get those twinges when I see somone checking out "my guy" LOL :)

I used to be very very jealous.............
but as my significant other has pointed out to me many a time early in our relationship.....she pecked me, and that's that....no matter what...........

and I surely don't get healous because others have what I don't.......
with age comes maturity and wisdom, right ES ? ? ?

Not really but I suppose everyone at some time has felt a twinge when somebody else is getting more attention. There's no sign of it yet but I'll be surprised if 5 year old Oliver doesn't show some signs of jealousy from time to time over his newborn brother.

No, I'm not the jealous type. But I can say that now in all honesty after having learned painful lessons about trust. Yes, I've been burned. And yes, I've been jealous. Until I realized that:

~First and foremost you have to trust yourself. It's true, you must trust yourself, your instincts and your heart, before you can ever trust another.

~Second, if your partner gives you any reason whatsoever to be jealous or to question his/her honesty...run, don't walk. Of course, there is some common sense to be deferred to here. But once your partner gives you reason to be jealous, or not to trust, continuing to trust blindly only gives them another opportunity to abuse your trust. So, in reality, you are abusing yourself.

~Jealousy and envy are birds of two different feathers. Jealousy is negative any way you slice it, but envy can be experienced without the negative backlash of resentment.

~And jealousy without cause...well that indicates a much bigger problem inside yourself rather than inside the relationship.

Excellent article once again, Esther!

Elaine ~ That is a good thing to instill in your children the point about jealousy. Jealousy is a destructive thing along with being ugly. It can tear people apart. It can destroy one's self esteem, it can be violent, it can do so many negative things when one is insanely jealous like the two men that I have had in my life.

Glad to hear that you're not jealous.

I am reasonably jealous but nothing outrageous. Sometimes it is for fun and to see what his reaction will be.

Rebecca ~ Oh yes I do know that it is a deadly sin. I try to convey that to Rick but it has no effect on him whatsoever. The day my bags are packed and leaving will be the day that he realizes how he has destroyed a beautiful relationship. Sad but true.

Denise ~ Hon, instead of getting twinges when someone is checking out your guy, instead think about who he is with and who is going home with him. That in itself should be enough to put that twinge in check.

Good luck sweetie.

Randee ~ You've got it down hon. Of course that is the best way to look at it. She did pick you. That should be sufficient enough to cause you to back down and think about what you are feeling.

With age does come wisdom as you said Randee. Geez it's been a long ride to get the wisdom that I am beginning to get. ;)

Normally, "No" but it would depend on the subject in question. I would ask the same of the person I was in a relationship with too. Jealousy is a very ugly emotion!!! Poison!

John ~ There are so many types of jealousy and in this instance I was talking about jealousy that comes from a personal relationship with a significant other.

I am glad to hear that you are not the jealous type. You seem too confident to be that type of man which is something to be admired.

I would imagine that Oliver will be having a bit of jealousy and perhaps even acting out as a result of the baby getting more attention than he does. My Mom always has said that the little ones and not the infant should get more attention. The reason she says that is because the infant is asleep most of the time in the beginning and it gives the Mother and Parents the opportunity to form a clearer and stronger bond with the older sibling.

Makes sense to me.

I'm too old to get jealous. When I was younger I felt jealousy with one who couldn't be trusted, and I felt insecure. You live, you learn!

Good article, Esther! Very informative and accurate.

By nature, I'm not a jealous person. I know my worth. I know who I am inside. I have respect for myself and for others. I'm not a saint, so yes I have felt pangs of jealousy from time to time--everyone does, if they're honest. I've felt envious of others on occasion, too.

My philosophy is if the person you're with enjoys making you jealous as a way to 'prove' you care, they aren't worth having. I don't like manipulation. I've ended relationships romantic and otherwise, with manipulating people. Because if they're capable of using jealousy to manipulate, then they are using other forms of it as well.

I've also been in a few relationships where my partner seems obsessively jealous. It's wearing. Constantly reassuring someone is exhausting. I'm not anyone's property, no one owns me. I have business and personal friendships with males and females. While I won't go out of my way to make my partner jealous or doubt me, I won't give up friendships to reassure them. Curtail some activities, yes. Check with my partner so there is no conflict with 'us' things they have planned, sure--common courtesy.

As far as a partner goes, trust plays into that. If I trust them, their ability to love and be faithful and my ability to recognize that and accept it then fine. If they give me a reason to doubt their faithfulness, I have my boundaries, my bottom line. The ability to forgive a single transgression depends upon the circumstances surrounding that --boundaries are different for everyone. My thought has always been, if partner can't be faithful then I don't need them in my life. A partner wants to play the field, then go play, but the gate to my yard is closed.

I'm not really the jealous type. I got over that early in adulthood. I figure what's going to happen is going to happen and there's nothing I can really do to prevent cheating if someone's going to do it. It's happened...and I got rid of their asses immediately. Scott has accused me of being jealous of him in the past. I got that misconception cleared up right away. I reminded him he's my best friend...we're not romantically involved. I have to reason to be jealous with him...unless I felt like someone else was trying to 'steal him away' as my best friend. I explained there's a big difference between jealousy and being envious. I wasn't jealous of him. I envied him and the things he had in his life; and I don't mean material possessions; many things I used to have in my life but no longer do. Since I've made him understand things, he doesn't accuse me of being jealous anymore. In some cases where people think others are being jealous, it may simply be a case of envy others are misconstruing.

I don't have even a trace of jealousy . I don't have it now , when i am in my 40is and i didn't have it in my 20is either. My philosophy is that if you have even and once of doubt vis a vis your partner , then something is off kilted and you should reconsider the parameters of the relationship . (That's not to say i did not deal with infidelity in my own previous relationships, but i made a Conscious decision to compromise , it was my decision and i was fully in control, i never wasted time or energy snooping around ...)

Selene's with Rob? Well, hell. Now I am jealous. ;)

I can be but normally I am not. Insecurity would not play well in my marriage as hubby is a long haul trucker and gone more than he is home. He isn't the jealous type either. On the other hand if a female were openly flirting with my man I absolutely would set her straight.

Another great post, Esther. I was never the jealous type and always gave the men in my life complete freedom (not to say I didn't get burned because I did but I believe you can't control someone). However, I was never given that same freedom. I ended a marriage and other relationships because of the jealous, controlling nature of the men I was involved with. Oddly enough, I'm with a great man now for over a decade (honest, loyal, all the stuff I wished I had for years) and I do have pangs of jealousy sometimes. It's so silly because I trust him totally and he's definitely earned that trust. It must be emotional baggage from days gone by but I never let it get in the way of our relationship - it's actually become a joke and when the green eyed monster rears it's ugly head, a gentle reminder from my hubby is enough to send the ugly beast away...

Funny you should bring this up Esther. I just had a talk with my granddaughter & her boyfriend a few weeks ago. I can't abide jealousy in any form. I divorced my ex after 16 years for different reasons but we wouldn't have lasted a month if I'd been jealous. He sang with his band and was a hair stylist. He always had someone calling him or giving him hugs. I took it as a compliment. We stayed together because we wanted too, not because we owned each other. If he had wanted someone else I would have missed him but he knew he could leave without a fight.
I sat my granddaughters boyfriend down and told him what an evil, self destructive emotion jealousy is. We had a long informative talk and I ended it by telling him to change his attitude or not come back. She is a beautiful, outgoing girl with lots of friends but she chose him.

When I was in a relationship I could become jealous, but mostly because of my own insecurity. I don't feel any sense of jealousy about what people have, mainly because I'm happy with my life as it is today. My needs are simple, my wants, minimal and I consider my life good.

Now, I'd like to thank you for commenting on my post

Let's Hear it for the Banana

I'm glad you liked it and I enjoyed your comment.

Blesings
Mary Mc

I am not a jealous person, and my boyfriend is lucky. He has a horrible habit of describing women using the words "she was cute" or "she wasn't cute". It really means nothing to him. I know that if I had any question in my mind I would not be ok with it. No matter how cute others are, I am always cuter (to him).

It is interesting to me that my husband does not call himself "jealous" but territorial........i am stilll learing the differences.........through and with a ton love for him........Vito is so awesome to me, even after the "huge" year mark........love and pinky ~j

My boyfriend is not jealous either. In fact he is by far the least jealous person I ever met. I work at a night club. He likes when guys look and hit on me, cause he knows my eyes are for him only. :)

Thanks for posting this. I think there are a lot of people that need help with this issue.

not that much...the older you get the less you care!!!!

I've always thought that jealousy tended to be strongest in those people with poor self esteem. Not all the time of course, but fairly often.

I think it means you care.

You can't have jealous feelings concerning people you don't care about.

When you care about someone you have ALL sorts of feelings, actually.

You get them ALL !!!

And as a women you need to be able to love yourself and be happy with who you are.

Jules ~ I am going to answer you point per point as that would probably be easier on you and me.
No, I'm not the jealous type. But I can say that now in all honesty after having learned painful lessons about trust. Yes, I've been burned. And yes, I've been jealous. Until I realized that:

~First and foremost you have to trust yourself. It's true, you must trust yourself, your instincts and your heart, before you can ever trust another.
I would have to agree that trusting your intuition is very important but being able to release yourself to trust someone is the ultimate gift one can give.

~Second, if your partner gives you any reason whatsoever to be jealous or to question his/her honesty...run, don't walk. Of course, there is some common sense to be deferred to here. But once your partner gives you reason to be jealous, or not to trust, continuing to trust blindly only gives them another opportunity to abuse your trust. So, in reality, you are abusing yourself.
I think that things are not always what they seem but if it looks like a duck and walks like a duck it must be a duck! So yea, dump that person as they have no respect for you or for your trust in them. It is lack of respect for themselves that will have them sometimes act out in this manner plus in almost all cases will be a case of low self esteem. I have sometimes thought that someone was cheating on me when the person really wasn't and once doing a little investigating of my own realized that I was wrong. I think that if a person is overtly causing their partner to be jealous then again they have no respect for you and you should not waste your time with them as they are proving that they can not be loyal.

~Jealousy and envy are birds of two different feathers. Jealousy is negative any way you slice it, but envy can be experienced without the negative backlash of resentment.
Jealousy and envy are two totally different birds, absolutely right. Jealousy is ugly, devastating and painful in any way. To be envious or to be envied is something that one really shouldn't be hurt by but many, many are from those whom envy them and can cause resentment from either party involved.

~And jealousy without cause...well that indicates a much bigger problem inside yourself rather than inside the relationship.
To be jealous without cause is a true sign that one has problems, be it self esteem issues or trust issues there is a problem which can be devastating to both persons in the relationship.

Excellent article once again, Esther!
Jules(Lainie's Mistress HO, Doyle's niece, St. Joy's disciple & Mary-bee's identity!) , Dec 1, 2008, 7:54am EST

Thanks Jules for all of your awesome input!

Deb ~ Jealousy is ugly and not a pretty thing in any manner, shape or form. Just ask me and I will tell you what it feels like to live with someone with this form of insanity. I would much prefer to have someone physically abuse me than to verbally abuse me with their insecurities. It is painful and horrible to experience. I don't wish this upon my worst enemy.

Glad to hear that you don't suffer from the green eyed monster.

generally no i'm nog...but I do have pangs from time to time, but I think that's normal. I'm surprised i'm not jealous, given being cheated on so much. I just figure the right person gives me no need to feel it.

Esther I totally agree with you on this one.
words can change you and who you are.
I have been on both sides of the abuse. Physical and verbally. growing up that is all we had. physical abuse and verbal abuse. and you are right the verbal can do more damage to you that physical.
It took years for me to be able to see myself in the mirror and see what my awesome husband saw.
He is always lifting me up and encouraging me and now I can say thanks instead of "whatever your just saying that cuz you have to"
Thanks to my daddy all his dauhters had that problem.
But thanks to GOD I do not anymore. He has blessed me with a wonderful man and he is awesome with our daughter.
And my boys treat me and my daughter the way my husband treats us.
So who ever marries them will be lucky too.

I admit it, yes I am. If I am dating a woman, and start seeing her with other men, or hear her talking about other men, more than me, I do get that way. Not that they have to be on me 24/7.
I do though try and fight it, and do pretty well actually. Usually find out I was wrong to do so though....

Sometimes I get irrationally jealous over others' success.
Not so much on the relationship side but I've met a couple green-eyed monsters on here.

I can be especially when dating someone with a wondering eye. But thats all I ever seem to attract are the the men with half their heart in the relationship and the other half always looking for something better to come along.

Nope, I'm not the jealous type, relationship or otherwise!!! Been married to the same man for 34 yrs!!! What is there to be jealous about???

Debra ~

I'm too old to get jealous. When I was younger I felt jealousy with one who couldn't be trusted, and I felt insecure. You live, you learn!
I'm happy that you are secure enough in yourself and have gotten wiser about the repercussions of being the jealous type. There will be jealous people always of all ages and of both sexes. I just wish that I hadn't had the misfortune to be with one now. Ugh!

You're right, We live and we learn. I for one do not feel that overpowering feeling of insecurity that brings about that green-eyed monster. Glad about that one.

Good article, Esther! Very informative and accurate.
Thanks so much for your kind words and your support!
Debra W, Dec 1, 2008, 8:39am EST

I have been accused of being way too lax & not jealous enough.. Why? If someone I am with wants to continually flirt & fool around... They can hit the road.. I had an ex wife who loved attention. She was a beautiful girl who loved to go out, have a good time , dance & drink.
Over time, her act became old. If I'm dedicating myself to you & only you, I trust you. Yes. I've been hurt along the way, but jealous? No. I'm confident there's a person who will be just as dedicated as me..

ken there is.
i hope you find her soon
if you want to find her

Sia ~ I will respond to your comments point by point ok?

By nature, I'm not a jealous person. I know my worth. I know who I am inside. I have respect for myself and for others. I'm not a saint, so yes I have felt pangs of jealousy from time to time--everyone does, if they're honest. I've felt envious of others on occasion, too.
Sia, I'm really not a jealous person either nor am I possessive. I find it immature to do so. I believe that when having respect for yourself and others you don't have to feel insecure. You know who you are and like you said you know your worth. I won't say that I have never felt jealous or ever felt envy but nothing overwhelming because I am pretty self assured and find jealousy or envy to be debilitating and the emotion accomplishes nothing.

My philosophy is if the person you're with enjoys making you jealous as a way to 'prove' you care, they aren't worth having. I don't like manipulation. I've ended relationships romantic and otherwise, with manipulating people. Because if they're capable of using jealousy to manipulate, then they are using other forms of it as well.
I would have to agree with you with the person who plays games and revels in trying to make you jealous to try to get a rise out of you is not one you should want to have around for too long. I too hate manipulators and recently I think I met the master manipulator of them all. :(

I've also been in a few relationships where my partner seems obsessively jealous. It's wearing. Constantly reassuring someone is exhausting. I'm not anyone's property, no one owns me. I have business and personal friendships with males and females. While I won't go out of my way to make my partner jealous or doubt me, I won't give up friendships to reassure them. Curtail some activities, yes. Check with my partner so there is no conflict with 'us' things they have planned, sure--common courtesy.
I know the one who is obsessively jealous. As a matter of fact I am with one now that I have been with for eight years and he knows that we have been on the outs for a long time. At first the accusations are so insane that I used to cry. Then I felt anger and wanted to hurt him and now he has done it for so long that I feel almost immune to his words any longer. It's a good thing too as he knows that I have been on the verge of leaving but suddenly after five or more years of this abuse, he has changed his tune. I'm not saying that he doesn't still say his BS but not constantly day in and day out driving me mad with his words. As I have said before, I would probably prefer being hit than to have someone be so insanely jealous that they make constant accusations that are unfounded. It does leave one wondering about really having an affair as I wrote above as the person is constantly berating you and making false and unfounded accusations so I thought well since he's always accusing me, might as well do it and have him have something to really accuse me of. Needless to say I am not that type so I haven't done anything like that. A little flirting goes a long way up until this relationship is over and done with.

As far as a partner goes, trust plays into that. If I trust them, their ability to love and be faithful and my ability to recognize that and accept it then fine. If they give me a reason to doubt their faithfulness, I have my boundaries, my bottom line. The ability to forgive a single transgression depends upon the circumstances surrounding that --boundaries are different for everyone. My thought has always been, if partner can't be faithful then I don't need them in my life. A partner wants to play the field, then go play, but the gate to my yard is closed.
I know exactly how you feel about boundaries. Everyone should have them. Of course they are different for everyone as you have said. My thoughts on infidelity are that I would not be able to accept that type of transgression at any time or any how. It just wouldn't happen. There would be no turning back and no begging for forgiveness. No is no and infidelity is something that I will never accept. ~Sia McKye~ , Dec 1, 2008, 8:56am EST

I understand you fully on this issue as I know that you are a strong and forthright person with a high integrity level and high standards and rightfully so.

I appreciate your candor in your comments Sia. Hopefully some people will feel empowered and learn from some of us who have had some of these experiences. That is my fondest desire in my posts such as this.

Rob ~ Your having grown out of the jealousy early on in life is something that most of us do but for reasons such as I stated above some have continued with the ugliness that is jealousy.

It is common to feel jealousy or feel envious if you feel that someone is trying to take your best friend or partner away but once it becomes obsessive that is when it turns into something else all together.

I completely understand the difference between the jealousy and the envy issue. It comes upon us all at one time or another. I have lost many friends becaus of their envy of me and I have never been able to understand why. I am generous in all aspects of my life and people have come and taken and yet are bitter with envy after the fact completely writing me off and for what I don't know. I never place more value on things than on people, EVER. But, it is a point of life and life goes on even for those who feel that way.

I think that with time Rob, you will be the envied and not the one who envy's what others have. You are super kind, self assured, self reliant and so many other positive things. You have only to continue the person that you are and the right person will cross your path one day to make you feel completely loved as you so desire. This is my wish for you Rob!

Atlantis ~ I am sorry that you had to deal with infidelity in your life. I don't think any of us are immune to having this happen to us.

You're right about the fact that something is off kilter in the relationship if you sense something is going on and feel jealous. Too many times people will go insane with jealousy and go traipsing about looking for clues on whether their partner really is or isn't fooling around on them behind their back. I did it once and it was a horrid feeling. I ended up not getting any satisfaction out of it and making a fool out of myself. Further to that it was a false alarm and just my imagination getting away from me.

I appreciate the fact that you too know who you are and your worth and know that jealousy isn't worth it. Thanks!

I've definitely experienced the feeling of jealousy and it is horrible. It is so destructive. You really need to have trust in yourself and others in order to develop and maintain healthy relationships. Jealously is such a waste of time and energy. Thanks for an interesting post, Esther.

Not anymore. I'm feeling pretty confident these days, and thankful. With age comes humility and a newfound appreciation of people and circumstances.

Selene ~ I can sincerely understand where you would become jaded after having experienced someone who was jealous. You're right, one can not control someone else's emotions or thoughts and trying to do so will only make one run in the opposite direction.

I hear you about getting out of a relationship before it even seeded. I am the type that once I go over the edge, there really is no turning back for me. I just let it go.

As for little johnny ~ um, uh, no comment. ;p

Jules ~ Selene's with Rob? Oh my! I thought Rob wasn't Selene's type???

If need be I can be.

Excellent article ad points Esther, really enjoyed this.

Once I had a boyfriend in the 80s who VERY matter-of-factly told me about somebody else he slept with while we were supposedly dating (I guess his definition of "dating" was different than mine) and I almost got upset. But instead of getting jealous - I just decided I'd never see him again. And I didn't. If I was jealous maybe it would have meant I cared for him (more than I was trying to). I guess I really didn't care much about him at all to let him go so easily.

Oh well.

THAT was an old memory ..

I hear the sleigh bells!!

I use to be jealous because of someone I dated. But the man I married I have no worries anymore. He is very loving.

No, not at all.

not at all as when your jealous it shows no trust

no i am not the jealous type

They don't call it the Green eyed MONSTER for nothing.

I think i have a normal level of jealousy. I am rational about it. I will tell my husband, "honey when you said this to so and so it made me feel this way because .... and my low self esteem that I am working on tells me you are flirting even though I know you love only me could you pamper me a bit till i feel better?" LOL I KNOW he loves me and is faithful. I still want all his attention LOL and I tell him that. I dont' get mad or irrational or accuse him of cheating or wanting to cheat. I will just outright tell him, hey i wanted that attention for me or on me! LOL

going thru your stuff to replay your kindness, even if i've seen it before!!

<3 Krystal

nope...never have been. i trust you, if you break that trust, then so long...never have been although i've been w/guys who were overly jealous