The Simply Amazing Dairy Queen Blizzard Weight Loss Program (with Monkees' discussion thrown in for good measure)!

Last week I published an article here on Gather.com about the joys of growing bald, and I happened to mention at the end of it that I would soon be serenading y'all with an article about how eating Dairy Queen Blizzards can lead to an effective weight loss program. Well, some of y'all might have laughed at that, some of y'all might have scoffed at that, but guess what? There really is a Dairy Queen Blizzard Weight Loss Program, and your humble correspondent here is going to humbly break it to all of y'all now.

First, everyone reading this should clear your heads about this huge misconception regarding the purpose of dieting, that we do it to lose weight. Hell, dieting isn't about that at all, it's about something far more important - the real reason people diet is to feel better, and when they feel better they act better, look better, do the horizontal mambo better, hell, bottom line is they do everything better. And that's what's great about my Dairy Queen Blizzard Diet Program, it will make y'all feel better! In fact, I promise y'all that following what I'm about to lay out here will make you feel better - guaranteed! So, without any further ado, let me give y'all the details about this miraculous plan, what y'all personally need to do in order to follow it, and then we'll enumerate even more benefits and wrap this article up. Sound like a plan? Good! Then here, for everyone's perusal, are the specific components of the Dairy Queen Blizzard Diet Plan:

1. Soon as you wake up in the morning, consume a large Dairy Queen Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard - one that you bought the day before and stored in your freezer for this very purpose. Be sure to eat all of it as slowly or as quickly as you like, preferably quickly so that you can enjoy it quicker - after all, feeling good is all about feeling gratified, and nothing is any more gratifying than eating a large DQ Blizzard just as fast as you want to. Admit it, you'll feel better, you'll feel more honest within yourself. Eat it just as fast as you want to, and then go straight to diet component #2:

2. If you find this first blizzard doesn't fill you up, then just tough it out until ten am and go over to your local DQ and buy another one. Consume it just as quickly as you like, you only live once, you know.

3. Around noon time, stop by your local DQ for yet another large Dairy Queen Blizzard. This time go all out, be exotic, and go for something like the banana split or the chocolate chip cookie dough ones. Eat it just as fast as you like, plus, if you're still hungry after this one, you're right there at the DQ and can purchase another one quicker than a rabbit opts for a large family.

4. In the evening, somewhere around dinner time, stop by the Dairy Queen yet again and buy another large Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Blizzard. Eat every last spoonful just as fast and completely as your stomach wall allows. Buy another if you're still hungry afterwards. And, as a given, be sure to pick up another one to put in the freezer so that you have it ready for breakfast the following morning.

That's our complete DQ Blizzard Diet Plan plan - the benefits?

1. You'll feel nice and happy, your tummy will smile broadly at you, and that's always a great feeling, the kind that really good diets produce.

2. You'll find at certain moments during the day that you'll have plenty of energy, in fact, you'll have so much energy that you'll be capable of doing things that you never thought possible before. Remember, pure food equals pure energy, and nothing is purer than the amount of sugar in a Dairy Queen Blizzard. Eat 'em often and rev up your engine!

3. Think of the economic good that you'll be doing for your local Dairy Queen franchise. Hell, your efforts and the efforts of others who also utilize this plan will cause even more Dairy Queens to be built in your immediate area, which is nothing but good news for the economy! Not only will you be dieting, you'll be doing your part to build a stronger, freer America! And how can anyone get their panties in a wad about that?

Okay, I'll admit that some of y'all out there, a small few, will say that this diet is insane, that all people will accomplish with it is to gain weight and thus end up feeling really, really bad. Well, y'all remember something, these are the same people who don't want guys to talk to pretty women or admit that they once loved the music of the Monkees. My advice is to look right past them and press onwards, after all, these personality types once said that Edison was crazy too!

Something else for y'all to ponder - how do these people really know that you won't lose weight using our program? Have they ever tried it before? Might not the fact that we're consuming no useful vitamins or nutrients whatsoever mean that our bodies go lacking? And what happens when anything goes lacking? Why, it means that whatever lacks starts shrinking, so if our stomachs go lacking for certain nutrients or vitamins it simply means that it'll start shrinking. And if your stomach shrinks you're losing weight, right? God, it just seems so obvious to me.

So there y'all have it - The New Amazing Dairy Queen Weight Loss Program! Now, now, please don't get overly emotional about this, I just consider this my personal bit to help my fellow man or woman. I'm that kinda guy, y'all know. So, go out, enjoy, and when the time and vibe is right I'll let y'all read my article about how watching lots of porno movies can lead to stronger, healthier eyes....