The impending switch from analog to digital television, made necessary by magnetic death rays emanating from the THX 1138 spiral galaxy, has caught many consumers by surprise. How can you be sure you won't miss a single episode of "Who Wants to Be a Grease-Trap Cleaner?" or the Weed-Wacker/Round-Up Bowl come January 1, 2009? Check out these "frequently asked questions" for guidance!
Q: What is digital TV?
A: "Digital" TV is a television you operate with your fingers, also known as "digits", as opposed to some complicated remote-control device.
Q: You mean I have to get up out of my chair . . .
A: Yes, you fat slob.
Q: Does that mean I have to throw away my old TV set?
A: Yes, according to Jason Stearns, a pimply adolescent sales clerk at Best Buy.
Q: Why is that?
A: So Jason can get a bonus and take the summer off to follow "Fall Out Boy" around on tour.
"Uh, Jason, we can't pay you anything, but you can have all the CD jewel boxes you can eat."
Q: Will reception be better on digital TV?
A: Yes, you will be able to see shows that went off the air fifty years ago!
Q: Like?
Gale Storm
A: Like the Loretta Young Show, and the Gale Storm Show.
Q: But I want to watch "Survivor: Muncie, Indiana"!
A: Tough luck. Television signals from the 50's are starting to reach the THX 1138 spiral galaxy, and the aliens were starting to complain.
Q: I've heard that the federal government will be giving people coupons good towards the purchase of a "converter" box for analog TV's.
A: This would be the same federal government that gave LSD to unsuspecting housewives in the 50's, right?
"All of a sudden I had a craving for something sweet."
Q: Well, yes . . .
A: 'Nuf said.
Q: When does all this take effect?
A: January 1, 2009, when the big ball lands in Times Square.
Giant TV-munching rabbit.
Q: Do America's landfills have room to hold all the TVs that will be thrown out?
A: Not unless enough giant TV-munching rabbits can be bred in time.
Q: Is there anything I can do to help?
A: Give your rabbit an unlimited supply of pellets.
Copyright 2008, Con Chapman
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Comments: 12
We can all rest easy now, that the channel signals will go down all the time...
And, by the way, you have to switch to digital cable, where the modem goes down fifty times a day.
And, your phone has to go too, the switch will painless and easy. But, don't expect to dial 911. And, by next year, we will all be dead.
Thanks so much government! You're really all Aces to me.
Te he!
There was a joke about Survivor a few years back... "Did you hear about the new season? The contestants have to pile into a station wagon in southern Arkansas and make it all the way to Little Rock with a bumper sticker on the back that says we're gay and we're coming to get your guns."
(I live here so I'm allowed to tell that joke.)