Painful Silence (Revised)

This was originally written in 2006. I have revised it somewhat and am re-posting it for my new Gather friends who have not yet read it.

Close observations of each relationship...sad and painful.

Let's put it this way...

As my man will tell everyone on his sleeve nagging us about our relationship, "No relationship is peaches and cream."

When someone tries to pin point what we're doing wrong, he speaks up stating that no relationship is easy, just like no marriage is easy. It takes lots of effort and working on; any relationship, regardless.

Many relationships in America, I think the statistics is 80% by now, end up in divorce, and some state it is because of some relation to children, financials, and communication. Now mainly, if you go back to children and financials, you will realize that most of these situations can be resolved by better communication in a relationship. But, what do you do if your communication needs improvement and that is part of the problem?

Someone atleast has to budge. Of course, in many relationships, you will see many tend to blame "Well, if you didn't do this, I wouldn't have did this," but all in all, in reality, instead of blaming, individuals need to speak up and admit in an argument that "I may have did that, but I'm sorry." Its sorta like a negotiation, but instead, it smooths things over and sometimes, even the other partner will remember or admit they did the wrong and apologize.

It gets tricky at times. In some relationships, you have one partner which will give silent treatment. Not the kind you mentioned above where you cannot speak and are hurting from silence, but the silence treatment where you walk away from your partner, possibly hold a grudge and not speak to him/her for hours or sometimes days. Its not healthy for a relationship, but sometimes either partner does this because this was what they learned in many generations previously in their own families. Sometimes, but very rarely, the partner cares. Some partners see this as a coping mechanism in which calms them down, but in all reality, the communication barrier struggles during this time because the other partner is left hurt while the other is walking away, holding a grudge and not talking to them. It makes the other partner feel bad.

Previously, my man didn't want to go to counseling, when I always recommended it for our communication and needing improvement. When it came to realization that it came down to getting our child back, which we never thought in a million years our child would be yanked from our arms (due to lies and allegations that aren't true) that we would have to go to counseling to get her back, it becomes frustrating.

While he is now willing to go, I'm now "iffy" due to all the pregnancy hormones and an emotional rollercoaster of my child not being here, I feel like its a big tease because we previously went through a parenting assessment and passed with flying colors (mise well say). Easy questions such "How to change diapers" and basic common sense stuff. The psychologist asked our weaknesses in the relationship and we told them the same thing (keep in mind, we were in different rooms being questioned) and we both stated "Communication". So can you imagine, many relationships need improvement in this area?

Within our counseling appointments, I have learned that sometimes, there are personality glitches which you cannot help in a relationship. For example: I have learned his personality testing came back as a introverted (sp) person and in this, he is very reserved. He holds back feelings and won't tell you how he is feeling. If you initiate a hug, he will hurry up and give you a hug to "get it over with" and then want to be left alone. He is the type of person, he is happier to be alone. He doesn't have much need for affection and he is very limited on expressing himself (according to the parenting assessment papers).

Now, I think all of this boiled down from his childhood (I'm not sure how many relationships talk about childhood, but I consider it important in better communication). I have learned some scary things from him being adopted himself. He told me at a young age, he was in institutions and when he finally was adopted, he was an only child, and later six years later, his adoptive parents were able to have their own children. From that point, he was pretty much put on a shelf, forced to be hugged when he didn't like touch, and punished for their younger childrens' behavior. Now when I say punished, we're talking abuse here; beat with belts, anything you wanna call it. He didn't only get punishment from one parent, but when the other got home, he got what we call, double the trouble.

In a nutshell, I'm trying to say, a childhood impacts a person and how they interact in adult relationships.... remember his personality? Reserved. Introverted. Little need for affection? That probably goes back to blame his childhood and his parents.

I think personality can sometimes make the other partner feel like they don't care, but in reality, its just a personalty glitch which can be fixed with communication and better understanding of the other person. Sometimes counseling helps. Not always. But sometimes.

Oh and something I'd like to add; don't blame yourself. Never blame yourself. Things happen beyond your control. ((((Big hugs))))

I was in a relationship for 5 years previously before I got with the man I'm with and I thought the 5 year relationship was my "Everything" until I found out he wasn't as loyal to me as he should have been. In all reality, some relationships are better off not working on and sometimes won't work out. Its just the plain truth.

Thanks for posting this to Best Original Photos, Art and Writing for 2008

This is so sad. I feel like I am sitting at the table with you experiencing the whole thing first hand.

Thanks, Martin. This was actually written a few years ago. Things are better now, but I know there are other couples experiencing this very same thing...

Cheryl, this is excellent. Heart-rending, too close to home, but excellent.

There's absolutely nothing worse than having communication cut off. It's painful, hard and disheartening.

Thanks for sharing this.

wow, or should I say ow

Your writing style is so raw and real. I felt like an uninvited observer, feeling your pain, wanting to shake him and insist that he SEE you.

It is heart wrenching. I see way too many couples like that in restaurants.
What's the alternative? I'd suggest counseling but what if the other side says there is no problem even when you are sitting there crying, obviously in pain?
This is excellently written and so raw.

Somewhere I read marriage described as a "tough gig". That always stuck with me because even in a good marriage, it can be tough to keep the connection as people change over the years. It's a lot of work to keep any relationship fresh and stay in sync with each other.

This cuts to the bone, Cheryl. Excellently written. I'm glad you reposted

I know that feeling! Sometimes guys are so into what they're into, that they forget they're married and that relationships take work. We have to get in their faces sometimes.

This left me speechless...

I had to come back later and comment.

Truth stripped of all it's skin-deep beauty, leaving raw emotions and bare bones exposed for all the sightless...

a marvelous work, cheryl

..
U wishing you laughter

My husband once had the audacity to say, "why should we go out on date? he already knew everything about me, so it's not like we'd have anything to talk about." My response...

Really? You already know everything about me? How is that possible when I don't know everything about me yet?... over the next week he found himself saying... I didn't know that about you at least once a day LOL

clueless little bugger

thanks for the comments, everyone!

So sad... and, alas, so typical. Great work! ;-)

Blessings and best wishes - S.

Your poem is a universal theme, Cheryl, that you spoken of honestly here; therefore, making this poem unique for its simplicity.