Boldly where no man has gone before …

  Last week I was invited by the Endoscopy Center of Marin to attend a colonoscopy. Mine. Katie Couric made me do it even though I’m only 39 and have been for some years. 

Seriously, if you’re old enough to lie about your age, you’re old enough to have a colonoscopy. Katie’s self-exposé on national television was technically a sigmoidoscopy, which is to a colonoscopy what a 10K race is to a marathon; TV is always under time pressure and opted for the butt byte version.

Let me walk you through this topic: First of all, a colonoscopy is not an operation, it’s a procedure. There. Don’t you feel better already? In both cases they (the medical they) remove something from your body that wasn’t on the original Bill of Materials, something that might hurt you if left inside — as opposed to sponges and surgical instruments sometimes left by surgeons who’ve got home plate tix for the Giants, and which no one, except your lawyer, thinks do any real damage.

In an operation the doctor cuts a hole in you to access the offending object. In a procedure he uses an entrance you provide. This is an important difference. With a procedure the operating team has no incision to prove they actually entered your body, so they have to charge less, which is why ten out of ten doctors prefer operations.

Colonoscopies are performed by special doctors, known in the trade as “Star Trek” surgeons because they go boldly where no man has gone before … or would want to. If this procedure was performed in Utah, you and your doctor would be legally married.

Trust me, there’s more science and biology involved in your intestines than you care to know. I’ll explain it the way my doctor explained it — without the cartoon sketches which I don’t think we can print because they’re so clinical.

The digestion process starts in your mouth with teeth and enzymes that start converting food into fuel; the longer you chew the less work for your stomach. Doctors once recommended each bite be chewed 12,867 times, or until it resembles the stuff in a jar of Gerber’s baby food. The fast food industry got a court injunction to stop doctors from circulating their Chew Theory on the grounds it made fast food slow, and there was no scientific proof more chewing helped — except for Common Sense, which everyone knows is not SCIENCE.

You may have had a prior semi-spiritual experience with hydrochloric acid — the chemical agent your stomach uses for digestion’s heavy-lifting. Say, after you’ve chased down a large pizza with a six-pack and then had Rolaids for dessert: your stomach reminding you of the saying that ends with the words “… in a five pound bag”.

But your stomach is not the end of the line. Additional processing takes place in the small intestine which converts chyme (the stuff from your stomach) into nutrients and we-don’t-want-this. The former is absorbed into your body, the latter goes to the large intestine that is connected to the end of the line.

Intestines go through considerable abuse during your lifetime; sports bar snacks, spicy ethnic food, bachelor parties, and the Annual Woman’s Auxiliary Dinner Dance Fundraiser Chicken Surprise. Intestines accumulate toxins, get sores, and develop polyps that can eventually turn into cancer. It’s wise to check these little critters every five years over age fifty.

Polyps are like little people-heads that pop-up through your intestinal lining. My image is pop-ups start with smiley faces. When your doctor makes a colon call, with a long TV tube and some pinchers, he waves at the smiley faces and removes the scowly-faced pop-ups because they could turn against you.

The procedure takes about an hour; I won’t go into the details. Let’s just say if you were awake you’d know how a Muppet feels.

Back to the Endoscopy Center: “scopy” means take a look; “end” means what it says. You’ve heard of an end run; this is an end peek.

When the procedure was over, and I’d returned from LaLa Land, the doctor informed me I have a very long colon. Ever on the lookout for bragging rights, I asked if that were a macho thing. Apparently not, because he didn’t answer my question. However, he was laughing, which is always a good sign after surgery.

If Katie can do it on national TV, and I can do it at Colonoscopies R Us, so can you. After the procedure you might ask the doctor to write a note to your spouse stating that your head, in his professional opinion, is not up there.
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If you are interested in other encounters between me and the medical establishment, I direct your attention to:

 My almost YouTube moment …
Have Hernia, Will Travel ...(Part I)
I missed the fat lady singing ... (Hernia Part II)
Test lots and Live Long
Cataracts be gone
Testing the day away